<p>If you’re not a ■■■■■, get used to life without your daughter because you will alienate her forever with your oppressive “rules” which will cripple her socially. She may even have trouble getting hired when companies realize how naive and sheltered she is and the lack of people skills that go hand in hand with limited socialization compared to her peer competition’s experiences. If this is a cultural thing, please know that success in American coleges and American companies is dependent on cultural assimilation; run your views by the guidance counsellors at your daughter’s school. As for not working, you do realize that many financial aid packages include work study, right? If you and your wife are college-educated, I re-emphasize a few points from previous posters and can assure you that not only have things changed since then, your daughter may not even get admitted to a college within commuting distance. Are you going to move your entire family so you can maintain your vise-like grip?</p>
<p>This pings my ■■■■■ radar as well, but I’ve been wrong before. If the OP is for real, I’m not sure he’ll find what he’s looking for for his daughter anywhere, and of course we don’t know what the daughter wants. At what point will her life belong to her?
People who don’t have to struggle as young adults are at a profound disadvantage later in life.</p>
<p>ADad nailed it back in post #6.</p>
<p>I feel for parents who are so insecure about the influence they have had over decades with their children that they still feel the need to limit things when they are adults.</p>
<p>It really will be ok, if she has learned how to make decisions that reflect her values.</p>
<p>Okay, maybe he’s a ■■■■■ and we all agree that we would never do this to our own kids for many of the reasons given here - but if we assume he’s serious, and he hasn’t asked for advice on how to raise his daughter - what would we suggest?</p>
<p>My own thoughts: What are the parents of her friends doing? Are their daughters also living at home and going to school? Where? I have to assume the OP is part of a community of shared values and there must be some ‘norms’ that this community ascribes to with reference to higher education. It might also be possible for some of these young women to room together if they attend the same schools.</p>
<p>Other thoughts: If OP is sincerely concerned for his daughter’s safety and well-being and her education, perhaps there are conservative, all-girls schools with residential facilities where she can be both safe and supervised to his satisfaction without having to live at home. Even this small amount of freedom could be life-changing for her. I’m not familiar with these schools but do others know of any?</p>
<p>If money is a serious concern, then living at home, and going to community college for two years would be a wonderful option. In two years, OP may find that his daughter is demonstrating the kind of maturity that makes him feel comfortable with her living away from home.</p>
<p>On CC it is always hard to remember that other people get to raise their own kids as they see fit and the definition of when childhood ends varies significantly by culture. We need to recognize that we are random strangers who can only offer advice but can’t know the full circumstances of any OPs life, so it’s better to withhold judgement.</p>
<p>well said M’sMom! whether the OP is a ■■■■■ or not :)</p>
<p>“By our family rules, she is not allowed to date until she’s 18, use Youtube or Facebook (or any other form of social networking), nor is she allowed to wear makeup among other things.”</p>
<p>Time’s running out RobDeg … 18 is right around the corner.</p>
<p>I have a tale of two families. Family #1 told informed their oldest D that she wasn’t going to college, that instead she was needed to work in the family’s retail outlet. Being a good D, she reluctantly agreed … she lived at home, worked in the store, and watched all her friends head off to college and independent lives. After two years she got into her car one morning and drove across the country to attend a college she’d secretly applied to.</p>
<p>In the other family, Mom pulled her kids from the local evangelical christian school “because it was too liberal.” She homeschooled all of them, and sent them to one of those colleges with ‘Pentacostal’ in the name. I see them at family functions. Can’t have a conversation with any of them.</p>
<p>The OP and his daughter seem to live in a major metropolitan area – and in such places, there may be quite a lot of young people who do commute to college. </p>
<p>But what disturbs me is that the daughter is not yet a confident driver. A person who commutes to college needs to be free to come and go at a variety of different times on different days in order to fully participate in both the academic and extracurricular parts of college life. Having someone drop you off and pick you up at predetermined times doesn’t work well. So she would really need to drive. However, driving in a city environment can be a formidable experience for a new driver.</p>
<p>Unless there are excellent public transportation options available, I think the OP should consider that his daughter would be physically safer living on campus because she would not have to drive.</p>
<p>WOW! Don’t you trust your daughter? Maybe getting a little freedom would be a good thing for her. If you have raised her to be a moral, thoughtful, self sufficient person then she should have no problem driving to a nearby school or living in a dorm. Just know when she is 18 she may BOLT away from your seemingly over controlling home and there will be nothing that you can do to stop it.</p>
<p>UCLA is in Westwood, CA, metropolitan LA. I have been there many times either on business or pleasure. If OP is local to UCLA, he should have known the surroundings and its traffic conditions well. LA metro is very crowded and it is not for an intimidated driver to commute. So I think for the first year or two, the daughter should stay in the dorm until she is ready. Living on campus is a different experience by itself, a way to grow up fast as well. </p>
<p>And even though the daughter is forbid to have boyfriends in HS, but her exposure at highschool should have educated her about the opposit sex already. To cage a young adult lady from opposit sex is difficult in the LA metro area, it might be easier in a rural community. The higher pressure parents asserts, the higher resistance it bounces back, at one point or the other you have to let it go. Entering the college is a good point of entry for the daughter to grow into an adulthood.</p>
<p>Lastly, your D is a good student, there are tons of schools in LA alone will take her. In addition to UCLA, there are UCSB, UCI and UCR nearby and many good CSU’s to choose from and they are less expensive. Even Cal Poly SLO for example, is only one to two hours away. Attending schools nearby will give you more confidence as you can visit her often and it will cost less than OOS publics. In addition, she might try USC and perhaps they will give her some scholarships to make the cost equal to the publics.</p>
<p>She very well maybe able to get 3 day a week schedule depending on her major. It can be done because I did it in college at very big state university. Besides she can get a lot of driving experience this year and you can make college contingent on her driving. Driving is a life skill. </p>
<p>My dd was not allowed to date until she was 17. She is 18 and still has not found someone she wants to date so I don’t see the problem. My dd doesn’t wear make-up much but so it was never a problem for me. That is one area I would not force the issue because you might find she doesn’t want to wear make-up anyway. Unless she is a hot mess with it and usually is a none issue. </p>
<p>Why not save $40,000 plus by having her live at home. I really wanted my dd to stay home to save money but she really wanted to live on campus and we liked the college she is attending more than the ones she could commute and stay home, so we allowed her to live on campus. Lucky for us, the college saw her as a studious and good student and she got a dorm to match. The kids in her dorm are the good quiet ones and so she is surrounded by like students. Many colleges have special types of housing and you can request certain types of dorms. </p>
<p>I do think you may have to just learn to go with the flow and see what happens. Our dd only applied to 4 colleges. Got into all of them but none of them were a reach. It costs to apply to colleges. Between the application fees, transcript fees, and SAT/ACT test fees it does add up very quickly. Tell her how many you are willing to pay for and let her pay for the rest out of her money. </p>
<p>I do think kids can work in college. Once again depending on the major. I think they can work anywhere from 5 to 20 hours a week. DD is a chemistry major so she is working less than 10 hours but she also plays a club sport at college that takes up her time. </p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>Even if you can save money by living at home, if she is then needing a driver to college- wouldn’t the savings be reduced?
Can’t imagine anyone wanting to * increase* their driving time in the L.A. area.</p>
<p>We may not agree with OP, whether this is a true story or not, but this is not uncommon.</p>
<p>We are Christian and our kids would say we were strict. We didn’t allow one-on-one dating until 16 and we didn’t have a computer or TV in their bedrooms where we couldn’t monitor activity. But we did realize that the closer they got to 18, the more we had to start letting go. </p>
<p>We may have not liked the choices, and we could provide our input, but ultimately they were the ones to be responsible for them as they became older. My S is now a freshmen and we just pray that everything he was taught will guide him. But we know that he has a strong independent streak (like me!) and will test all of his limits. Nothing we can do but help guide and be there if he needs us.</p>
<p>Now, the real issue is the driving. What is the reason for not getting a license? The longer she waits, the harder it will be emotionally. I had a friend in high school that didn’t get her license until she was in her 40s! Seems that in CA you can hardly exist without a car, unless you live near where she can take public transit.</p>
<p>It’s great that she can live at home and it works for all of you. (Frankly, I was ready for my S to leave and so was he. My D, we will see.) I know many people that live at home. I had a student intern that has lived at home her entire 4 years and will be applying to med school this year, so she is very accomplished and motivated. </p>
<p>Hopefully all of this helps! Good luck in finding the right school!</p>
<p>Many years ago, I lived at home throughout my undergrad years. It wasn’t a big deal to me, because I had grown up in that college town, was very familiar with the campus, and had no desire to live in a hot, cramped dorm with someone I didn’t know (which my parents would have paid for if I had wanted it). I usually took the city bus to campus because parking on campus was impossible. I had plenty of freedom at home, though–pretty much came and went as I pleased. I also had part-time jobs throughout college, which I enjoyed and which did not interfere at all with my studies. Eventually, I got involved with a couple of campus organizations, but it took a couple of years. My parents did pay for me to have an apartment on my own once I was in graduate school–I really loved that. Looking back, I now realize that my college experience was very different from most. I can’t say that I made many friends in college, although I did meet my husband there. I’m sure that my experience would have been different if I had lived on campus, but I never even considered it at the time.</p>
<p>I’m not really sure why people assume this is a “■■■■■” post (not even sure what that means). </p>
<p>I am very familiar with the area surrounding UCLA as I used to work within close vicinity. However, I would actually worry more if she were to stay on campus there because the immediate area isn’t so great. If she can come to a safe home everynight then I don’t really see the point of her dorming. (Plus, it saves a lot of money).</p>
<p>My daughter can be quiet in unfamiliar situation; however, she is quite social and a very well-developed young woman. So of you probably assume that she lacks social skills and independence, but she is actually the more strong-willed of our daughters and is very self-sufficient.</p>
<p>But, even though she is capable of taking care of herself, I don’t think it’s time for her to do so yet. She is now allowed to use Youtube due to some of the content that is on there (my wife and I both use the website so we’re not clueless as to what’s on it). I’ve read too many stories about teenagers and Facebook that I just do not see that it’s appropriate for her to use at this age. It’s also very distracting and seems unnecessary. This is also part of the reason why she is not allowed to text. It costs extra, kids are addicted to it, and the radiation is harmful to the body. Lastly, why should she even wear makeup? I prefer my wife to not wear makeup (and she does not) and I do not believe that my daughters need to wear makeup either. They don’t have anything to hide and there is no point in enhancing their looks because I think it will just draw too much attention to their physical aspects, definitely not what I want for my daughters.</p>
<p>One thing I know for sure with my daughter is that she’s a worry-er. Small things scare her, even everyday things such as driving. It’s difficult for both her and I to be comfortable during our driving lessons that she never makes any progress. I don’t want to force her into driving if she’s uncomfortable with doing so. Any suggestions for this?</p>
<p>Thank you to those who are not assuming that I’m a “■■■■■”. I’m just another father who’s trying to do what’s best for my girls.</p>
<p>If you can afford it, it could be well worth the expense to find a GOOD driving instructor for your daughter to help her with driving. Especially in LA, driving is NOT for the faint-hearted. There is another thread about driving with our young adults if you search parent cafe.</p>
<p>I wear no makeup and my D applies it only sparingly, as she prefers. It is very subtle and just enhances her natural beauty. It’s not what I’ve chosen but what she has chosen. I certainly respect that you choose not to wear makeup yourself and that your wife has decided to go with your preference. Am wondering at what point you plan on allowing your children to make choices that THEY want to make? Just curious for you to figure it out for yourself (no need to post for me or others).</p>
<p>We felt it was best and safest for our kids to get increased freedom as they showed great responsibility and made wise choices while living with us in HS. They have repaid our trust by continuing to make great choices in college and beyond. I really feel I learned a great deal by living in the dorms & later apartments and wanted that option for my kids. They also feel they have learned a great deal by living in the dorms & apartments. That is one of the benefits of attending a school that has housing available or nearby. There are many commuter schools for those who prefer or need such options for various reasons as well. A community college might be a good option, with the opportunity to transfer after completing basic course requirements.</p>
<p>As far as driving, I assume she is taking private lessons as well? Although, since she is over 16, they may not be required for the CA driver license.</p>
<p>What about another trusted adult to help with the driving lessons? I know that I was quite skitterish when I was learning to drive because my mother was absolutely scared to death with me learning to drive! I’m sure that had a huge impact on me. I actually didn’t get my license until I was 17. Since I am the oldest, by the time they got to my youngest sister, it was a breeze, and she got her license the day she turned 16. </p>
<p>I realize we are completely different than animals, but as Cesar Milan says about dogs, about 90% of how they react to us is because of our attitute: whether we are fearful, angry, etc. I know that my fears are very easily transferred to my children. And, believe me, I completely know that we are always much more concerned about our oldest.</p>
<p>Hmm… Can anyone say Altruistic Surrender!? Baha, or Slippery Slope!? (the logical fallacy) Just poking fun, but hmm, I’d say to let her apply where she wants (within budget and stats) and then help her choose after, that way she’ll be happy, but you also have a say.</p>
<p>Right now I am thinking of my a girl from my honors politics class freshman year of college…
She, too, had a strict family and lived at home, commuting to campus. She was pregnant before the end of the first semester … she had met a boy on campus, and there was nothing stopping her from going to his dorm when her parents were told she was at the library between classes.</p>
<p>I always thought she got pregnant on purpose just to get away from her family.</p>
<p>
A ‘■■■■■’ post refers to someone who posted something untrue primarily to irritate the serious posters. Some people with pre-adolescent minds think this is fun.</p>
<p>Your posts on here come off as so extreme in your restrictions on your D and your controlling of her that you come off as a ■■■■■ since it appears you’re just trying to tweak the posters here.</p>
<p>I don’t know whether you’re a ■■■■■ or not but like a number of other posters here I’ve had my suspicions of it as well.</p>
<p>Now, assuming you actually aren’t a ■■■■■, hopefully you read and thought about my earlier post.</p>
<p>
You’re either not really familiar with that area or you have a warped sense of perception. UCLA is bordered on the north by Bel-Air, east by Beverly Hills, west by Brentwood, and south by Westwood - all upscale areas. The Westwood area is swarming with many UCLA students and it’s quite safe. The dorms, however, are actually on campus, not right in the city streets, and are very safe. My D managed to live there both on and off campus just fine for 4 years as do thousands of other students every year. </p>
<p>The individual students themselves are the ones who decide if they’ll drink, engage in activities with someone else you wouldn’t approve of, spend all their time on facebook, play video games all day long, study or not, apply themselves or not. If your D was raised (not controlled - but raised) to not want to do these activities then she doesn’t need to do them. She can do all of these negative activities whether she lives at home or stays in a dorm. When she’s in school, whether living there or commuting, she has access to computers that she can use for whatever she wants. She has access to all those thousands of students who you might think are bad influences. In short, you really don’t have the control you think you do.</p>
<p>What do you think she’s likely to major in? Have you thought about my earlier post regarding being in a lab until the middle of the night? I was much happier as a dad to have my Ds be only a short distance from their dorm rather than have to drive through a city at night with the potential of having a flat tire or something in the wrong place at the wrong time.</p>
<p>One good reason not to dorm is lack of funds to be able to pay for it. It’s expensive to live on-campus in the dorms so if someone wants to or needs to save money then commuting can do that. It’ll affect the student’s college experience as well as the other attributes of gaining independence, maturing, etc. but if it’s a financial necessity then it’s a viable option.</p>
<p>Don’t count on her being admitted to UCLA though since she might not be. It’s not a matter of choosing the college, paying them money, then attending. It’s also not like a community college that accepts anyone who applies. UCLA is a very selective college that only accepts students with very high stats and actually turns aways students with high stats all the time. The same can be said for USC. She needs to consider other colleges as well including the so-called safety ones (where her stats aren’t in the lower segments). These might be further away than would be a reasonable distance to commute.</p>