Going from living on campus to being a commuter...

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hello parents,</p>

<p>This is something I've been seriously considering for a couple months now and would really appreciate some feedback from parents. </p>

<p>I'm a freshman and go to an urban university about 20 minutes away from my suburban home. I think my school is a good fit for me so far academically, however I really miss having the space that I had at home -- ie, my own bathroom, queen size bed, etc etc. I also really miss having a car and having that personal time each morning/afternoon. Additionally, I'm not really into the weekend social scene on campus either and am fine with meeting up with friends during the week -- commuting wouldn't really change any of this. </p>

<p>I'm a little hesitant to bring this up to my parents though. While they never said anything outright, I got the feeling that they were ready to start a different/new life with just the two of them. I guess I don't want to intrude on this, as they've been through a lot over the past few years and I think they may need their space.... on the other hand, I can hardly sleep on my small bed here and the bathrooms are disgusting.</p>

<p>So parents... were you thankful that your children had finally left for school? How would you feel if they wanted to commute instead, had they been going to school locally? Also... how should I bring up this topic? I don't want to come across as unhappy or anything (though it wouldn't be wrong to say that I'm not...litotes anyone?), as they're footing the bill and I really am thankful of that. Anyway... I'd appreciate any thoughts on the subject :)</p>

<p>additional info -- housing is $2500 per semester, so with gas prices for a ~20 minute freeway drive considered I guess it would be saving them money as well.</p>

2

<p>If your parents are willing to pay for their privacy, why not look into an off-campus apt?</p>

<p>If that’s too expensive for them, then ask them if you can live at home and commute.</p>

3

<p>I think if you present your request to live at home and commute as a young independent adult, rather than a needy teenager, your parents will be fine with it. Figure out how you can contribute to the household – taking over some maintenance chores like the lawn mowing and snow shoveling, planning to keep your room neat and tidy, offering assistance with grocery shopping and meal prep and other t hings. You’d be around if they want to travel, so they won’t need a house/pet sitter – things like that.</p>

<p>As parents, we’re relieved to be out of the day-to-day child rearing treadmill – if I thought my young adult was going to be a help and not a burden, I would be happy to have them home.</p>

<p>And as many parents have stated on other threads … it’s their home, and their rules. Curfews (for the peace of mind), courtesy with loud music, telephones, guests overnight and otherwise, are just some of the potential areas of conflict.</p>

4

<p>I know that I would always welcome one of our children home, if they had good reasons for coming home, and if I felt it was not going to affect their development as people. Many of their high school classmates live at home and commute to state schools, and the situation is a happy one (but these schools have many commuting students).</p>

<p>It is an adjustment for everyone, including the student, when a son or daughter who has been more “on their own” (as in college) comes back home. Think about whether you want to lose the autonomy you have gained so far. Or perhaps your parents are good at being hands-off and this is not an issue.</p>

<p>My main thought here, though, is that your reason for wanting to do this is not really a good one. Holding on to the thought of a queen bed, car and private bathroom is understandable. Comfort is nice. But in moving back to commute, you will lose a feeling of being part of the college community, in certain ways. It can also be hard between classes, or between classes and extracurriculars: you will have to wait around without a dorm room to go to. Or drive home, then back.</p>

<p>Money would be a good reason to do this. Many students are forced to live at home and commute, to save money. Health would be another good reason: I know kids who need to live at home while attending school, due to health problems. </p>

<p>Are you homesick? Do you feel lonely on campus? Is there something else going on here?</p>

<p>Students on substantial financial aid generally stay in dorms, because room and board are covered. They have to accept the small bed, shared room and lack of car, but it is also probable that home life has the same features, that they have always shared a room and bathroom and don’t have a car.</p>

<p>Sometimes, growing up “without” is a good preparation for college life. Growing up with one’s own bedroom, nice bed, etc. can actually make the transition harder. Or so we have been told.</p>

5

<p>May I make a suggestion?</p>

<p>I think it might be worthwhile for you to stick it out on campus for the second semester and then become a commuter or move off-campus as a sophomore.</p>

<p>The reason: It is much easier to meet people and make friends in the dorms than it is if you are commuting or living off-campus. Having a full freshman year in the dorms is an advantage in terms of social contacts that you will continue to take advantage of during the rest of your years at college. </p>

<p>One of my kids attended a college close enough that commuting would have been possible (though unpleasant – it would have involved the Washington Beltway). In fact, one of his high school friends, who lived about two miles from us, did commute to the same university. But I was glad that my son chose to live in the dorms because it gave him more of an opportunity to become involved in college life. If he had wanted to move out of the dorms and commute, I would not have said no, but I would have had some concerns about him becoming isolated from campus life. </p>

<p>Both of my kids moved off-campus as juniors, and both seemed to become more isolated – socializing primarily with friends they already knew. That was OK for the last two years of college, but it might have been a problem if it had happened earlier. </p>

<p>Another, more practical concern about a college student living at home is noise. College students tend to live on rather late schedules. Working people and younger siblings (especially those in high school) tend to live on early schedules. Most houses are far from soundproof. I would have been concerned about people making noise during the time when other people are sleeping.</p>

6

<p>I agree with Marian. My son is currently a senior at an urban college. He moved into a studio apartment this fall. While he loves being alone (sometimes) and having his space he has found it socially a bit isolating and he has been on campus and has lots of friends.
Live in the dorm for the first year and establish those friendships. Some of the experiences of communal living are good ones, some are bad but you will learn a lot about other people and yourself. Plus you will establish friends that you can connect with the next year.</p>

7

<p>Could you have it both ways? I know you said you would have a car at home. Is the car available to take to school? We have a friend who has dorm room at school but only lives about 20 minutes away. Sometimes he comes home and sometimes he stays on campus. It works out great for them. My understanding is that he just sends his mom a message saying “I’ll be on campus” so she doesn’t worry. His time is broken up about 50/50. He does have a full scholarship that pays the room and board so that part isn’t an issue.</p>

<p>And as to your question - I would have no problem with my son living at home while attending school.</p>

8

<p>DD left the dorms for her sophomore year for a number of reasons around not really enjoying dorm living. Now she shares an apartment with 2 other girls and has her own room, shares bath with one other. She is not in commuting distance but I would still support this option over living at home if money is not an issue. There is more to learning than just the course work. It is a unique time to spread wings, learn to take care of yourself and still have a pretty good safety net. </p>

<p>However, if you decide to commute next year, you could take advantage of any commuting student lounges, clubs, etc so you have a connection with others who are doing the same things you are. A lot depends on how prevalent commuting is. You do not want to become a high school student going to college. So work out an agreement with parents on responsibilities and social issues such as staying out late/over night, meal expectations, etc.</p>

9

<p>I also think you should stick it out for the remainder of your freshman year. Perhaps part way through the next semester you could ‘try out’ commuting. Have a talk with your parents about it, tell them that you might want to commute the following year and save them some money. Work out the expectations with them.</p>

<p>Then try commuting for a few weeks or so and see if it works out the way you imagine it might. You can still go back and live in the dorms if you decide that commuting isn’t the experience you thought it would be.</p>

10

<p>Also, does your school have some “better dorms” with en suite bathrooms that you could keep clean? If so, try to move to one of them. In the meantime, shower as much as you can in the rec center’s showers…they’re usually spotless. LOL</p>

11

<p>I suggest that you also post on the College Life board. I’ve seen a lot of threads there from unhappy college students who say that commuting has caused it to be difficult for them to make friends and to become involved in ECs.</p>

12

<p>Another issue- you may not be able to get out of your housing contract for second semester. </p>

<p>Son’s visits home change life around here, so glad he spent the summer away. Do you plan to clean up after yourself IMMEDIATELY after coming home, using kitchen, doing laundry, using any place but your room and bathroom? Will you ALWAYS clean your bathroom, do your laundry, do your own grocery shopping and cooking? Will your presence make any additional work for your parents? This includes extra time and money shopping as well as keeping track of disappearing food, toilet paper etc. Will you be expecting your mother to be cooking the same meals when you were home? </p>

<p>You should stick it out in the dorm this school year. Next year you can consider an apartment. Your wish for better amenities sounds like you are spoiled- especially if your parents are willing to take you back and do all that they did for you when you were a HS child. Commuters miss out on a lot. Are you prepared to bring your lunch or otherwise eat in the available places on/near campus? Will bad weather affect your commute? Do you ever do anything during the evening hours on campus?</p>

<p>There is a lot of learning to be done outside of the academics. Leaving home for the entire freshman year is desired.</p>

13

<p>Thanks a lot for your responses everyone, there were some really good points and suggestions in there. After reading this it definitely makes sense to at least finish my freshman year in the dorms.</p>

<p>I checked my university’s information on on-campus apartments – a single would be an additional $1100 or so a year, and doubles aren’t too much less… but it’s something to consider. </p>

<p>I’ve always been extremely independent and originally thought I’d enjoy living on my own more than with my parents, and while it has its perks, I guess I didn’t realize how comfortable I was at home. I never thought I’d been in the position of considering moving back… as far as getting in my parents way… I don’t see that as too much of an issue as I usually cook my own meals and my parents and I never have any conflicts. But all of that considered… I think I can see now that I have to really embrace what’s unfamiliar if I want to grow. Thanks again for the advice!</p>