Going separate ways from high school friends too early

Parents Forum
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<p>My senior D feels like a stanger in her high school. This distancing began last year and I posted once about it, but D seems to be finding it harder to deal with now. She feels lonely and left out. As background, she has always been well-liked and social, though probably not truly "popular" in the high school sense. Still, D never had trouble making or keeping friends in the past, though she has tended to have friends in many different cliques without being in core of any one particular group. When she attended a 2-week academic program this summer, the director told me how impressed he was with her and how popular she was among the kids there.</p>

<p>So, I think it's a combination of factors: 1) she's a top athlete who takes AP classes, so she doesn't have a lot of time for socializing. 2) the girls on her team she used to be close with freshman and sophomore years are not serious students. They have tons of spare time to hang out with one another, whereas D doesn't. So she's out of the loop, no longer knows the private jokes, etc. Also, there has been some degree pf jealousy on their part over her success in sports. 3) some of these girls have gotten into partying/drinking, which D is not interested in. 4) D used to have friends from the band, but had too many conflicts with sports and had to drop her music involvement. Consequently, she no longer sees them much. 5) the kids in her advanced classes mostly belong to an ethnic group D doesn't belong to. They tend to be nice in class, but definitely self-segregate for social gatherings. 6) I think D is more mature and focused on her future than those around her. She's been busy with college search and visits, then recruiting, and now applications. The friends have barely given a thought to college yet.</p>

<p>We've discussed more than once the need for her to try to find a new group of friends--particularly those in more academic circles. But D feels like it's too late, cliques are long set in stone, and what time does she have anyway to make new friends? I see her point, but envision a sad and lonely senior year.</p>

<p>I guess I'm not really asking for suggestions so much as comfort, though I'll take suggestions too. Is this normal? Has anyone else's child gone through this? I guess it's still a shock for me to hear her say she has no friends. I never would have imagined this. She was the kid I expected to have the time of her life senior year.</p>

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<p>Is she unhappy, or are you just worried that she will become so?</p>

<p>If she’s not actively unhappy, I wouldn’t worry too much. In a year, she’ll be in a new place, hopefully among people who are more compatible with her, making new friends, and will have had to leave the old ones that she had behind anyway.</p>

<p>She knows the people around her now better than you do, and it sounds like she doesn’t want join a new circle. I wouldn’t try to force the issue of seeking out a new group of friends. Friends should be people you <em>want</em> to spend time with, not simply people that you surround yourself with for the sake of being surrounded by people.</p>

<p>Though there were different reasons involved, my social life was similar to the way it sounds like hers is shaping up to be. I had a responsibilities-and-family-focused senior year, and then went off to college, where despite the much higher workload and tougher classes, I had more opportunity to make friends and have a social life than I had ever had in my life.</p>

3

<p>Instead of trying to fit into a crowd, she could identify one or two individuals she feels compatible with, and approach them for out of school hang out time. Even one friend is far preferable to none. Also, does she have people to eat lunch with? That is crucial to feel socially comfortable at school.</p>

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<p>Yeah, my D did to a degree in Sr year. D is a go with the flow type, had a group of friends, one was a CONSTANT down in the mouth type of kid,and this kid was the ringleader of all their socializing. D really was fed up of the constant complaining by the start of senior year,most of this kids complaining was about the other kids at school. D joined some clubs outside of her social circle, met some really fun kids that she really got to know well, they said to her why did she hang with the complainer all the time, and they included my daughter in some of their out of school activities(movies what not)D said she could have kicked herself for not branching out and away from her comfort zone much sooner. The more she distanced herself from her group the happier more confident she bacame. Getting a part-time job was a big help also, not many hours at all, but that also expanded her opportunities for socializing. </p>

<p>Not to worry, if she is happy and not brooding over it, she will find her people she enjoys.</p>

5

<p>This may sound mushy, but I think it’s true: It’s harder to find friends when you’re one-of-a-kind. A nice person who is also a serious student and a great athlete? That’s pretty uncommon, so how much is she going to have in common with the majority of the people she meets? Not much. Tim Tebow comes to mind; I’m willing to bet that he gets along with everyone but has few close friends. How could he? When would he have time? But obviously he’s doing stuff that makes him fulfilled, or he wouldn’t pursue it all with such passion. I imagine your daughter is a bit like that.</p>

<p>I’ll bet it bothers you a lot more than it bothers her. If she’s keeping busy with sports and studies, she must find it rewarding. If being with the in-group was so important to her, I would expect her to be studying less or dropping sports to be with them, but she’s not doing that.</p>

<p>Bottom line: In a year she’ll be somewhere else where there are more people like her, and she’ll be fine. I hope you find this comforting.</p>

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<p>The six reasons you listed – is she aware of them and knows, at least intellectually, that it’s probably more circumstances rather than her?</p>

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<p>Both my D’s went through this sort of experience in high school, although a little different that your D.</p>

<p>Older D was the val of her hs class, class president all four years, chaired a city-wide food drive for several years (which caused her to get accolades city-wide), was the #1 singles tennis player, national debate/forensics qualifier all four years, etc. The problem with this D is that in our mediocre, rural h.s. (only 65% go to college and only 25% of those actually graduate from college), I can honestly say she had no actual peers. There were 4 girls who were the top 1% of the class - the other 3 were known as “preps”, a group known for partying, drinking, etc. D was friendly with them, just not friends and definitely not invited into their social circle. I think what helped get this D through h.s. school was she had an agenda of her own and just focused on that. Also, as much as I hated it at the time, she had a boyfriend for the last 3 years of high school and I really do think he helped get her through h.s. without being terribly lonely.</p>

<p>Younger D was also val, the only NMF in her class, ACT/SAT in the 99%, #1 singles tennis player and a state medalist in tennis, concertmistress of the hs orchestra and made state orchestra all three years (doesn’t happen very often at our school and she was state orch 3rd chair her senior year), etc. She played a team sport her freshman year, a sport she had played since she was a small child. Kids she had known for years were suddenly mixed in with soph, jr, and senior players and becoming very different people than the ones she had known. She said at rest time during practice, etc. girls would bring out photos they had taken of each other when they were drunk and actually argued about who was the most “wasted”. There were also very lewd sexual discussions on who had done what with whom on the weekend (whew! I wasn’t sure how to say that!). She sort of self-exiled herself from the group and thus was not (and didn’t want to be) any part of their socializing at practice or otherwise. She quit the team after her freshman year, and ended up really excelling at a different sport. This D was lucky in that she did have a sort of eclectic group of friends from orchestra, etc. who were pretty good students and they enjoyed getting together. If someone called, she would go out and do something with the group on the weekends. If they didn’t call, she was just as happy to stay home and study.</p>

<p>I think if your D could find just one or two friends to fill what little time she might have for socializing, it could make all the difference in the world. Maybe if she looked “outside the box” - a girl at h.s. she really hasn’t gotten to know, reconnect with someone from band she liked, someone from church who attends another school, someone from another school who plays the same sport, etc. We always said both of our girls were 45 at birth - they just had a maturity others in h.s. didn’t have. This maturity was very helpful in some ways, but put them at odds with classmates in others. It is very painful for parents to watch when their child isn’t included and is lonely.</p>

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<p>Does your daughter have the opportunity/interest in re-connecting with any of the kids from her summer program? My daughter is a senior in college who is sometimes frustrated by the lack of peer interest in issues that she is passionate about. She is the first to admit that some of those interests are so eclectic that her peer disinterest is understandable; however, she does have a group of friends from her summer job who “get it.” When she’s feeling particularly alone, she reaches out to them. This has helped to preserve her otherwise strong friendships at school and keeps her connected with her summer friends, so ultimately, it’s a win-win for my daughter.</p>

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<p>I don’t know folks. Sometimes I think it’s our kids. At least mine. She “checked out” of high school , and high school “issues” , early. Like junior year. She was just done with high school. She hit the ground running in college and hasn’t looked back. Now, as a senior, I see a much milder version of the same thing happening again. </p>

<p>Not saying that’s happening to your kids. Just saying that’s what happened to mine. ;)</p>

10

<p>I agree Curmudg.
My daughter did same thing senior year. She knew what was up, was ready to leave, her friends were not, she was sick of the same old same old.
She actually ended up graduating early, begging me to let her. She is now loving her college experience, much happier w/like minded students (into their academics). Not that she is a brain or anything, she just craved kids who took their studies seriously. Now she has it and is VERY happy!</p>

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<p>Cur- you might be right. It happened to my daughter soph year at a very intense (socially and academically) girls’ prep school. She wasn’t an athlete, but had a musical talent that set her apart, and she wasn’t always diplomatic in her lack of appreciation for others who didn’t take things as seriously as she did. She was so miserable (much self-induced) that we had to take her out and she spent two blissful years at a boarding arts academy. Some kids just don’t blend the way others do.</p>

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<p>Our D1 definitely felt out of it 9th and 10th grade. She was unhappy about it, so she actually did something about it. Her EC was outside of school. She used to leave early to get to her dance classes. When most of her friends were hanging out at the malls or at each other’s house, she was busy. After a while they just stopped inviting her because they just assumed she was busy. End of sophmore year she started to make a point of making plans with people and let them know when she was available. Senior year she had a core of 4 good friends, who also had very similar commitments as she. They got together when they could, often it would only be a few hours on a Fri or Sat night because they all had sports, ECs or schoolwook to do.</p>

<p>D1 was unhappy about the situation when she felt she was out of loop. We have D2 also in a similar situation (EC outside of school), but she is not as much bother by not getting invited to everything. She is more content to stay at home and do her own thing.</p>

13

<p>Had an interesting discussion related to this just the other night. </p>

<p>My D has a remarkable group of about 15 peers. (We’re a small town.) They’re the kids who take all the AP classes, get the best grades and test scores, etc. They’ve been together as a group of friends since 7th grade. The remarkable thing is they’re competitive as all heck but not at the expense of each other. They hang out together, don’t get invited to the cool parties, don’t drink or smoke, etc. Why do I bring this up? I heard from one parent that she overheard a kid from outside of this group tell one who’s part of it that (paraphrasing) “You’re so lucky. You have friends you can rely on. Those of us not part of your group don’t really know that we can rely on our friends to be there.” </p>

<p>So your D may feel she’s loosing her group but my just find she’s left with a few friends that she can rely on – and that’s much more important.</p>

14

<p>My D also checked out of HS early. She’s a December birthday so was one of the older kids in her class, as well as being a little quirky and marching to the beat of a different drummer. Got along with everyone but never ran with a group. Hated the party scene which framed most of the social activity at her school. By senior year, she just could not wait to “get out of Dodge”.</p>

<p>She hasn’t had any difficulty making friends at college (now a soph), and finds it much easier than in HS to have a variety of diverse friends but not so much as a group. It suits her temperament much better.</p>

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<p>mathson was the only computer science geek in his class. He had a tiny group of friends (3), and belonged to a couple of clubs, never liked going to parties or movies. At Carnegie Mellon he’s found dozens of kids with similar interests. He’s found people to connect with, he even was part a D&D group made up of CMU interns in the Bay area this summer. </p>

<p>I’ve had this happen to me a couple of times where various circumstances led me to have to more or less start all over with friends. In college I had a senior boyfriend my freshman year and didn’t make nearly enough friends within my cohort. I felt like I was playing catch-up most of my sophomore year. In grad school I just fell victim to a really clique-y class. My last year I searched for friends in a new program while nurturing the one or two friends I had in my own class. </p>

<p>As an adult I’ve learned that friendships evolve. Joining new organizations has led to most of my friendships.</p>

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<p>The OPs D saw her future, she went to a program and had a great time, met new people and sees a bit of what her college life may hold. So she is bored and tired of the same old people.</p>

<p>My D stuck with her friends through the end of highschool, but it was more out of habit than real connections. One of her friends I didn’t much like, but said nothing. One day we talked about and D said, there isn’t much I can do. She is around in my life, and its hard to find new circles.</p>

<p>Its good that the d had that great experience with the three week program. She sees its not “her”, but a set of circumstances, ie HS, and such, that is setting up the “not a lot of kids to hang with” issue.</p>

<p>She will be fine. My D doesn’t miss her HS friends much, it just shows me that after a certain point, the friendships were habit and not much depth, for many. For a few, it was real, but for most, not so much</p>

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<p>This is a great thread, fits my D too. She has 2 close friends, gets along with others, but is serious about school and about acting, and doesn’t fit into the big social scene at all. (She seems like a freak to the kids at school, but is happy and involved at her theater where most are in their 20’s.) If the OP’s D has some close friends, I think that’s plenty for senior year. If not, can she find just one or two-- to eat lunch with, as an earlier poster suggested? I do think that’s all you need-- and for a lot of serious, mature kids, all they’re likely to find.</p>

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<p>To answer your questions, no, I don’t think D is isolated or lacks kids to talk to in the cafeteria, hallways, or lockerroom. Nor do I think most people would consider her weird or undesirable as a friend. It’s more that she’s not “one of them” because she hasn’t been a part of most of their group activities/hanging out sessions. And then, as another poster mentioned, eventually it’s assumed she won’t be available and so they no longer invite. And the truth is, they’re right–she probably wouldn’t have been available anyway. Not that she never has time to spare, but if a kid calls at 10 AM on a summer day and says “Do you want to go to the beach today?” and D’s at her internship by 9 AM, well she has to say no. (None of her friends worked this summer, by the way.) But if they had planned even a day in advance, then she likely could have worked it out. But teenagers are spontaneous, especially teenagers who aren’t busy. Therefore, D lacks the shared experiences that they draw upon to interact with each other. Her responsibility in this is that she’s not making much of an effort with the old group anymore, which is OK actually. It probably wouldn’t change anything anyway, especially since the group’s “social coordinator” is a girl who has been quite jealous of D. What does worry me is that when we’ve talked about making new friends, she acts like she doesn’t have the energy or confidence to want to bother. I do think the suggestion to focus on individuals, not groups is an excellent one. D does seem overly focused on certain groups, and that will be a losing battle. </p>

<p>Is she unhappy about her social life? Yes, definitely. But I think Mantori hit the nail on the head. She’s probably not unhappy enough about it to adjust her current lifestyle. She just wishes she had friends like her who were serious about their involvements and whose schedule fit hers. In addition, I think her angst is that she’s realizing you can’t have it all. It seems to her that it should be possible and that others have achieved that mystical state, but somehow she has failed. </p>

<p>For my part as a parent, I feel some guilt in this. I wonder if by encouraging achievement in academics and EC’s we may have created a monster in the realm of relationships.</p>

<p>I also think mature kids get sucked into a lifestyle by their own success. If you’re a star athlete, do you really quit the team when you’re about to get recruited to top schools–just so you can hang out more? Or if you’ve made it through 3 years with good grades, do you suddenly blow it senior year if you want to go to a good college? No, probably not if you’re practical and serious-minded. </p>

<p>Yes, that summer program was a godsend for her. I do hope she has seen her future. She did get together twice since then with some of the kids she met there. They would be fabulous friends for her. Unfortunately, they come from all over the state, so it’s not very practical. They do talk, though. Mabye that will ease the loneliness?</p>

<p>Thanks for all the comments. Keep them coming!</p>

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<p>Your D needs to just find one or two friends, thats all she needs. Most of us can count our good friends on one hand. THe rest are aquaintences, which is just fine, but your D needs to see that she has just matured past those high school relationships. Its hard, sure, but would she rather go backwards?</p>

<p>She neeeds to let go of the expecations of friendships staying the same.</p>

<p>My daughter also interned all summer. She saw her friends maybe one a month the summer before senior year. Before she went to college saw them maybe twice all summer. </p>

<p>Ask her to look at those girls that she was int he group with. There was probably only one or two she really connected with. My suggestion is to contact that one or two of them and see if they are available to shop, a movie, a street fair, or whatever. I will almost guarantee that your D will know which girl will be glad to break away from the pack. And at this stage of the game, if they are afraid togo solo with D, afraid of the queen b getting miffed, then they really aren’t anyone D needs to deal with anyway.</p>

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<p>A long time ago…I cried every day my senior year. The only real friend I had was closer friends with someone else whom I didn’t get along with. Fast forward to college and I was in Seventh Heaven. </p>

<p>My kid was heavily involved in an academic EC in high school. Kid really hasn’t kept any friends from own high school, but is in more touch with kids who did the same EC who went to other schools. So do encourage your D’s friendships with the kids she met this summer. If they share academic/sports interests, it’s actually more likely that they’ll keep popping up later on in her life than the hs classmates she has zilch in common with.</p>