I’m currently a senior in high school and I’m looking into a college that is 2 hours from home. I really wanna go to it, but my parents would prefer for me to go to the state college that’s in my city. My parents don’t see college as a step into adulthood. My 2 sisters went to the college in our city and didn’t get to move out until recently (they’re in their mid twenties). During college, it was pretty much like they were still in high school (living at home, asking for permission, etc).
Basically I really really don’t want to deal with this. I want a chance to be able to grow as a student/person. I guess what I’m asking is how I should explain this to my parents? I’ve brought it up, and they just don’t understand because they think it’s uneccessary for me to move 2 hours away when there’s a college in the city.
I’m a responsible student. I’ve worked very hard to get good grades in high school and because of that I even got an $8000 scholarship per year at the college I want to go to. I don’t want to move away to go crazy and party, I just want the chance to be on my own. I love my parents but they can be very overbearing. Any advice on how to convince them to let me move away?
I don’t have any advice,but I totally agree with you. My case is a little different from yours but similar somehow. My parents want me to go to a state college, which is one 1 hour from home so I can commute(riding the bus). It really frustrates me because I want to go explore the college life. I want to know how it feels like to be independent, manage my money, and etc. Basically, I want to grow up as a person so I will know how to live without them when they are done. However, they just seem to never understand me. As a traditional person, my parents want me to stay home so I can help them with all the responsibilities because my cultures does a lot of family gathering and stuff, which can be quite exhausting. In high school now, there are many occasions where I have to stay up until 2am to do my homework because of the gatherings that I had to attend. If I don’t attend, then it is considered “Rude.” I just think that these gatherings are not going to work in college, so it is another reason why I want to move out. I’m so sorry for not giving you any advice but just venting.
I completely understand! I honestly feel the exact same way. Because of the culture I grew up in, my parents expect me to stay home until I can move out with my own money. However, just like you, I just wish they would support me and help me get an experience that’ll teach me how to be independent.
Is it they want you to stay home or that they don’t want to or can’t afford to pay room and board? R&B can be $12,000 at some schools. What is the cost differential between the 2 schools when you include your scholarship? Can you qualify for full-ride at any school?
this is a common situation! but if your parents are the ones paying the $$$…they pretty much have final say even if you are an adult.
I have a different perspective. I met my husband and my closest friends and learned to think critically and write at a college two hours away from home and feel like my daughter should have the same opportunity. Our discussion is whether she should be a train ride or plane ride away. (We would prefer a train ride and she would prefer a plane ride.) But as someone said, if your parents are paying for it, they do have a say.
I understand your desire to spread your wings. My D is looking at schools within 1/2 hour of our home, all the way to 5 hours from our home.Either/or is fine with me. She feels the same way about the schools close to home as you do, but believe me, no matter how close she is, she will have her space (no parental pop-ins or drive-by’s). I know some parents who want to keep their kids close for a variety of reasons. A lot of times it’s cultural (my family is Italian - and we can’t have Sunday dinner if everyone is all over the place 
That said, I went to a school 2 hours away and my Italian parents adjusted. I told my daughter, depending where she’s accepted, the decision is based on a number of factors, #1 being money, but after that, she gets 51% of the vote. I don’t know your situation, but it sounds like a heart to heart would help. Empathize with their need to keep you close, and if cost is an issue, have an open discussion about that - but let them know how much your college choice means to you. What worked well for your sisters may not work the best for you. I think all parents with multiple children know that they’re all different in their own way. Show how you’re different and make the case why going 2 hours away will ultimately benefit you and your family. Good luck.
Every family situation has its unique quirks and personalities. The financial reality may trump your desires, but if it can be worked out comparably, or at least in a way you can all agree that you can manage it, I generally agree with you that 2 hours is a terrific distance to be away. You can get “home” if you need to, but the independence is a valuable life lesson.
Does your HS guidance counselor have any suggestions?
What part of the country are you looking at? In parts of New England, 2 hours will get you 3 states away, but in many other parts of the country 2 hours means you are in the same state.
The best way to present this to your parents is to start out by thanking them for always having your interests at heart. Thank them for teaching you that the best way to make decisions is to do so by having the most relevant information needed, and compare them with the values they have helped teach you. List them out, perhaps do a pros and cons and show them that you are definitely considering their input and the stay-at-home option. Ask them to help you come up with some pros for being 2 hours away, as well as the cons of staying closer to home.
It is much easier as a parent to accept a child’s decisions, when they aren’t what we would have chosen ourselves, if we know that they made them with considerable thought.
Be sure to thank them for raising you in a situation where you value education, and for helping instill in you the desire to do your best which means working hard. Tell them you realize that it is because of them that you consider yourself to be very blessed to even have such an option. Too many kids face a situation where a residential college is not even an option, because of family dynamics, finances, etc. Helping them to appreciate this perspective may go a long way toward them recognizing your maturity, and make it easier for them to accept that this should be your choice.
As the others have said, best of luck to you, and please let us know how this works out.
Can you afford your preferred college if they pay nothing? That’s the first question. If they aren’t willing to pay and if you don’t have the funds, there is not much you can do other than to try to convince them.
I assume you’ve already applied, if you’ve gotten a scholarship commitment? Have your parents filled out the FAFSA?
That was me. 2 hours is close enough to come home for lunch, or for your parents to be at events on campus, without smothering each other. My only suggestion is to sit down with them, as an adult, and talk about it. Ask them why they seem resistant, and what could you do to make them feel better? Promise to visit once a month? Make a lunch date on campus one weekend a month? Pay for some of your expenses? Emphasize this is about your personal growth, not about trying to get away. Be kind – this is hard on parents, too.
I tried and tried to convince mine to go farther away, as I agree with you on every point. But, if you were to end up where your parents want, there are ways to be be busy on campus that will put some distance between you and them. In general, the lament of “I want to be treated as an adult” is most efficiently solved by acting like one: good decision-making, sensible financial planning, ability to articulate your reasoning without getting defensive…(some humans never actually become adults…)
My daughter is 2 hours away, because that is the closest school with her program and she got a scholarship which makes our net cost less than the school that she could commute to.
If she had not gotten the scholarship she would not have been able to go there.
So if you want to go to this school you need to show your parents a way that you can go there for the same cost or less than the local school.
You said you got a $8,000 scholarship. How much does room and board cost? Are you willing to work summers and contribute your earnings to the costs? Did your sisters use a car to commute to their schools? If you leave your car at home it might save on car insurance. But expect to only come home for breaks and maybe the occasional long weekend if someone has to drive 4 hrs to pick you up and take you back.
Basically I would look at costs:
Local school versus away school. What is the cost difference if any and can you pay that with summer earnings, workstudy or campus job, student loan?
If your sisters had no loans and you will end up with $20k in loans for example do you think it is worth it?
Also make sure you find out as much as you can about both schools. Don’t just go to the one because it’s away, because you might end up miserable there. But if the finances work out maybe your parents will let you try it out.
A lot of kids want to go away. It’s not always possible but sometimes it’s necessary. Most do just fine but others flounder because of too much freedom. Some are really homesick.
My D was very independent in high school, got herself up for school, did all her work without prompting. So I figured she would be ok. Of course the social aspect plays into it as well. But she gets along well with her roommate and made some friends on her floor and does not seem too homesick.
If they pay nothing I would not be able to afford it, and I definitely don’t want to take out loans. I agree with the other people that have commented, they 100% have a say because it is their money. We are pretty well off, and my parents have the money to pay for the extra costs of moving away. I know I shouldn’t take this for granted and recognize that I am extremely lucky to be in this situation; one where I can go to a college without worrying about money. The thing is- they just don’t see the reason to spend extra money when I could just go to college in my city. I just need to find a way to convince them that in the end, it will be worth it.
It really makes me angry when parents believe that their money gives them the right to control their young adult children as if they’re property. OP, I feel for you. My own D is looking at colleges across the country and I will miss her terribly, but she has goals in life that would not be served by staying in her hometown forever, and her dad and I respect that.
What she is doing to make that affordable (because she COULD choose any one of several local colleges and live at home), is to use her high stats to apply to colleges that give generous merit awards so that she can go to college either free or close to it. You mention you’re an excellent student, so I suggest that you look at the wonderful list compiled by a long-time CC poster. Just do a search for it on this site. There are dozens of schools that might work for you. They might be even more than 2 hours away, though.
Unfortunately, with college costing what it does these days, unless you do get very generous $$ from a college, you may HAVE to stay at home to go local. If that’s the case, make the most of it by looking for good internships and jobs to build a resume that will make you employable right after college-preferably in at least the next town over so you can live your own life. I do believe one is stunted by not leaving home until they are well into adulthood.
You may think they can afford it, but they may feel it isn’t worth the extra costs. That is a tough one to overcome, unless “you” can make up the difference.
As a parent, I wouldn’t pay it, but we aren’t well off, but I still couldn’t imagine wanting to do it even if we were.
@sseamom I am not sure one can make the leap to the fact that parents are using $$ to control their dd. A child’s perception of being well off may not be completely different from parents facing future retirement, increasing health costs, worry over elderly parents, etc.
We give our children a college budget which is a fraction of what others would probably consider appropriate or fair based on our income. They don’t walk in our shoes. If our kids can’t get enough scholarship $$ to cover the bulk of their costs, commuting to the local university is their reality. No controlling going on…it is simply fiscal reality.
And I would also like to add: I’m willing to work for it. I’m planning on getting a job this summer to earn money for the school year. and I’m also constantly searching for scholarships to apply to.
It sounds a little bit like they really don’t want to be “empty nesters” and are afraid of missing you if you move away. I wonder if you could convince them by agreeing to come home every other weekend to spend with them, and come home on holiday and summer breaks. They might find that more tolerable.
Would your parents allow you to live on campus at the local city university? (If that is an option…)
That may be a good compromise.
Would the 8k in merit aid bring the cost of your desired school to the same price as the local school and commuting?
This has come up many times on CC, and (according to my observations) the majority of these situations involve cultural issues, usually involving immigrant groups. If this is the case, I think the only way that parents are likely to be convinced is to demonstrate that you will obtain a measurably superior education by going to the more distant college. If it’s just couched in terms of “spreading your wings”–well, that’s not persuasive to people from a culture that doesn’t value wing-spreading.
Of course, it could be about the cost. If you can determine that it is about the cost, you might feel more comfortable about staying home as a matter of necessity.
First what is the difference between the two schools in terms of cost, programs and ranking? Secondly at the school two hours from home could uou survive without an automobile? How do your parents plan for you to get to your city school, via car? If so, do they already have an extra automobile? What is the weather like where you live? Massive rain storms or snow? You will get stuck driving in the dark undoubtably in bad road conditions which is argument that can be used to live on campus as well as the savings from an additional auto and parking fees. What is traffic like where you live? Will you have to leave two hours before class to get there on time? How long dies it take to park? All these things waste studying time and are not a productive use of your time.