<p>Back again. Blue Book #6. Minor mistakes can be found (Ex. "engulp" when it should be "engulf") Stupak, please take a look!</p>
<p>"Is the world changing for the better?"</p>
<p>The world has come a long way since its birth. From the emergence of homo sapiens to the development of stem cell research, humans have truly revolutionalized this planet and increased its value to palatial magnitude. However, the the utopian change of the world has already marked its peak. The world is past the stage of growth and is declining in contrast to optimistic beliefs of its citizens. This statement is evident from the state of the world's current status.</p>
<p>Global warming threatens to halt further human advancement. Since the beginning of the Industrial Revolution in seventeenth century, the world has constantly developed various forms of industrial technology. Gas-fueled transportation like airplanes and creation of urbanized metropolis have resulted in luxurious lifestyle, but they've come at a terrible price. Many types of energy consumption like nuclear power release immense amount of carbon dioxide, devouring docile layer of ozone in Earth's atmosphere. Without the aegis of ozone layer, Earth suffers from too much sunlight. The result is the melting of glacial ice and its direct effect on the rise of sea level. Because we were focused so much on convenience of our lifestyles, we neglected to observe the destruction of mother nature. Now that we've changed our world for selfish improvement, it is unleashing its wrath to us for severe punishment; the rising sea will engulp our accomplishment and cause the fall of human civilization. </p>
<p>Similarly, population increase has also contributed to the world's decline. Advanced medicine, better agriculture, and globalization of world trade have all increased the human life span. Expansion of human population has always benefited huamsn, but the limited capacity of available land will block that movement. Valuable resources like food supply and natural oil will eventually fail people's insatiable greed, resulting in global famine and extinction; this, by any means, is not a sign of the world's prosperity.</p>
<p>As we continue our journey toward the glorious advancement of human race, we must recognize its limitation. The world is not changing for the better, and global warming and population increase are two of many examples that solidify its accuracy. In order to at least postpone the death of this world, we must live with conscious effort to preserve the nature that we've taken for granted.</p>
<p>I'm not stupid...I know to write 2 pages. I always have, and always will. I'd give this essay a max of 9. Though it depends on length, it depends on the number of ideas also. You can't just write to write; it has to contribute to something.</p>
<p>Out of all the students that write pathetic 1-1.5 pg essays with basic vocabs, your essay will stand out - it has 1 or 2 examples that are extremely complicated and boring and formal with extensive use of fancy vocabs, extended to 2 full pages.. voila an automatic 10!</p>
<p>Have a stronger and clearer thesis. Do not convolute your introduction with parts of your argument, and you can probably score a 12.</p>
<p>This is how I think the scores are graded by:
12- Strong thesis; Collegiate Vocabulary; Fills the whole space
11- Collegiate Vocabulary; Fills the whole space
10- Fills the whole space; Some Advanced Vocabulary
09- Fills most of the space; Little or no advanced Vocabulary
08- Fills 75% of the space; No advanced vocabulary</p>
<p>Do you guys really believe that the CollegeBoard will actually give you ways to improve your score? They take pleasure in your failure, and I bet they use an alternative rubric for grading the essays similar to the one above. However, here and there they will give 12s for superbly written essays just to placate the public and keep suspicious people on the downlow. </p>
<p>A solid 10 on this essay. (9-11) An okay thesis well suppoted by two relevent examples. Great vocabulary (although a bit showy; docile ozone?) and use of language. However, your wording is slightly off in some parts of the essay, which detracts from its potential as a whole.</p>
<p>"This statement is evident from the state of the world's current status."</p>
<p>"The state of the worlds current status" is extremely wordy and confusing. My best advice actually would be to completely delete that sentence. Your essay is closer to an 11 than a 10 if you just elminated it, your introduction was perfect otherwise (although I think contrast is used incorrectly, but not sure)</p>
<p>"Now that we've changed our world for selfish improvement, it is unleashing its wrath to us for severe punishment; the rising sea will engulp our accomplishment and cause the fall of human civilization."</p>
<p>Once again, very wordy, especially for a concluding sentence, and a bit overdramatic. Polish it to summerize the main points of the paragraph, and clearly state the consequences of neglect.</p>
<p>More wordy phrases-
increased the human life span- (human) longevity
expansion of human population- population growth
we must live with conscious effort- be conscious of (our actions)</p>
<p>I can find a few more but these stood out a bit. Without the wordiness, this essay easily merits a 11-12.</p>