Grade my 8th sat essay please?

<p>Should heroes be defined as people who say what they think when we ourselves lack the courage to do it?</p>

<p>A hero is someone who is able to demark himself through his outstanding accomplishments which show courage and noble qualities. Therefore, someone who is able to stand out of the crowd because of what the common person was unable to do then he should be called hero. Rosa Parks and Gandhi were such people.</p>

<p>Rosa Parks showed heroism when on December first 1955, she stood up for herself and said what many were thinking but did not dare to say. At the time, buses were separated into two sections: one for black’s and one for white’s. Black people were expected to give up their seats so that white people could sit. If course every black person on the bus disparaged such racial discrimination but none had the courage to speak up how they felt. Rosa Parks, however, showed true heroism and courage by refusing to give up her seat for reasons she deemed unfair. Her actions led to Montgomery bus boycott which forced the people in charge to modify their policies. The black community sees Rosa Park as a hero because she was able to do what they couldn’t. African americans, being victims of racial segregation for a long time, were inspired Rosa Park’s noble actions and see her as a heroic person because what she did engendered a chain of events a chain of events that granted more and more freedoms and rights. Therefore, because she was admired for her outstanding feat, Rosa Parks deserves to be called a hero.</p>

<p>During the 19th century, European nations, in need of more raw materials, expanded their power through imperialism. India was greatly affected by imperialism as it was colonized by the English. Many were outraged that, for example, they had to fight for the British army. Although they were all infuriated by the British’s strict rules, none of them had the courage of saying their true thoughts. Until one day, a lawyer who had studied in Great Britain, came along. This lawyer, Gandhi, similarly to Rosa Parks but on a bigger scale, was able to do what others weren’t. Through civil disobedience, he spoke his min and in fought for the independence of India. The Indians, who like the other passengers in that bus in Montgomery in 1955, had been passively standing by, getting bullied by the British, for too long now. Luckily for them, Gandhi proved himself to be a hero due his courage that eventually led to the independence of India.</p>

<p>To conclude, a hero is someone who is able to do what other cannot. A hero is able to show outstanding courage in areas where others simply couldn’t and finally, heroes are people like Gandhi and Rosa Parks who through their exceptional actions were able to bring about social changes</p>

<p>First impression (coming from a kid with a 12 on the essay and 800 on writing):</p>

<p>-hook is good
-thesis sucks!!! (key to a high score is a good thesis)
-good examples
-transition between examples was nonexistent
-conclusion was good</p>

<p>Overall, I’d give your essay a 9/12</p>

<p>Advice:
-make a better thesis!!!
-use some big words, but not too many, you don’t want to sound pretentious. Use 3 or 4 good words showing that you know what they mean and understand them well
-have 3 examples! and write as long as you can! The SAT essay is different from any other essay, and statistically, the more you write, the higher your chance of a better score (my advice is to come up with 4 or 5 good examples that could be molded and used for any topic the SAT throws at you, so you are can minimize planning, and start writing right away)</p>

<p>Good Luck!</p>

<p>Hey thanks for the advice!
I wrote another essay this time with 3 examples, I’ll post it up soon!</p>