Grade my act essay please?

Test Preparation ACT Preparation
1

<p>Some teachers and administrators believe that extra-curricular involvement plays an important role in a high school student’s social development. Therefore, our school district is considering an additional graduation requirement that students must participate in a school-sponsored club or sport for at least one season or year. Some students and parents are concerned that this requirement could create conflicts with personal obligations outside of the school day. In your opinion, should the district implement this graduation requirement?
In your essay, take a position on this question. You may write about either one of the two points of view given, or you may present a different point of view on this question. Use specific reasons and examples to support your position.</p>

<pre><code> Extra-curricular activities is an important part of high school because it helps develop a student’s social skill. Thus, many teachers and parents have been encourage their children to participate in those activities. However, adding extra-curricular activities to the graduation requirement list would be a great burden to many students.
First of all, attending school’s club or sport will require students a transportation. Clubs and sports’ meeting usually start after school, which is about 3:00 pm, and end at 4:00 pm. However, a normal work shift of parents usually end at 5:00 pm. If the parents work overtime, they would not be able to pick up their children until 6:00 pm. Therefore, many students would not be able to participate in school’s club or sport and would not be able to graduate because of a trivial reason – no transportation. Some people may argue that since teenagers can start driving at the age of sixteen, students can go to club and back home by themselves. Nevertheless, not every kid can pass the driving test at that age; plus, start driving at that early age is dangerous. Let says every student able to obtain a driver license at sixteen, but they still need a car to drive. Buying a car and insurance for teenager can be an unachievable dream for poor parents.
Providing students transportation is not the only financial problem for poor family. In order to join a club, students usually need to pay the membership fee. Beside that entry fee, club’s member also occasionally has to pay more expensive fee for fieldtrips. Being a poor student myself, I did not able to pay for fieldtrip for my FBLA club. As a result, teachers and other club members usually asked me why I did not go to any fieldtrip. Ashamed to admit my financial situation, I had to skip meetings when I know there is an upcoming fieldtrip. Being a poor student really keep me from joining other clubs.
Although extra-curricular activities can be helpful for students to develop their social skills, it cannot be a graduation requirement because it would prevent many good but poor students from graduating high school. As mentioned above, many students would not be able to participate in school’s club and sports because of transportation and lack of financial. Therefore, requiring students to have extra-curricular activities would be unfair to all students and therefore should not be implement.
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<p>4 out of 6, good examples not enough linking them to the main point.</p>

3

<p>I would also give a 4/6. </p>

<p>Like AznSkyDragon said, you have examples, but you don’t connect them to your main point except in your conclusion paragraph. You state that clubs are unaffordable for many students and transportation may be an issue, but you don’t explicitly connect this to graduation requirements. My English teacher told use to use a “3-ex” paragraph style on the ACT - exposition, example, explanation. Exposition is basically a topic sentence, yours are sufficient though you could improve them by getting straight to the point. Example is the area where you excel. You really show the concept and readers can see your point. Explanation, though, needs work. After your example, you need to connect it to your thesis/main idea. Don’t let the reader draw their own conclusion from your example, do it yourself. A lot of writers struggle with this and mastery of it will really impress readers! </p>

<p>Another area that needs some work is grammar/proofreading. I know it’s treated as a rough draft and grammar isn’t a large factor in your score. One or two misspelled words and an occasional comma splice isn’t going to negatively affect your score. However, you have numerous mistakes which become distracting at some points. Try and save 3 or so minutes for proofreading on your next attempt, it’ll help you a lot.</p>

4

<p>Have an interesting attetion grabber. I read the first sentence of the essay and stopped haha. It’s sooo important to have a interesting beginning.</p>