Grade my essay please! GREATLY appreciated !

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>This is in response to the essay topic from Test 4 in the College Board Blue Book:</p>

<p>Can knowledge sometimes be a burden?</p>

<p>As human beings, we all have an innate desire to know things. Just think of the last time someone told you, "I know something but I can't tell you!" Surely, despite what you heard, you were begging to know what that something was. It brings us a sense of euphoria to know things, but later on we may ask ourselves the question: So what now? Knowledge can be a burden when it cannot be expressed or be adequately used in society.
----->For many people, the years of schooling are the happiest times of their lives, but once they are out, they have to face the struggle of finding a way to use what they've learned through the years. This is a problem frequently faced by college students--no matter how hardworking and intelligent they were. When they first entered college, they were presented with a vast array of major options--from something romantic like French Literature to something practical like pre-medicine. The pre-med major must will become a doctor, but what will the French Lit major become? A French reader? No doubt the student has worked just as hard as the pre-med student, for it is something that he is passionate about. However, all those years of learning--despite it having satisfied his curiosity in the subject, is wasted when he cannot make use of it in the real world.
----->During the Second World War, scientists and engineers also developed knowledge on something that could not be adequately used in society--the atomic bomb. It must have taken years of investigation, dozens of scientific conventions, and heaps of funds in order to have finally gotten to the Little Boy bomb. And when the scientists finally tested the bomb at the beach and saw its success, they were filled with awe. Their excitement, however, came from the fact that they had made a scientific discovery, not because the bomb could potentionally destroy an entire nation's resources and morale. It later brought them much regret when they realized that their hard-earned discovery had to be introduced to the world as a dangerous weapon. Of course, it was a huge accomplishment to finally understand how nuclear technology worked, but its now a burden for the world because it is too often used to develop weapons.
------>Take a look inside a college campus and a chemistry lab, and it isn't difficult to see that humans have a huge capacity to discover great things. We are, after all, curious animals wiht ambition. However, we must learn with purpose. Otherwise, all that knowledge would end up being like eating a bag of potato chips--fun when you eat it, but depressing when you realize that it was all useless junk for your body.</p>

2

<p>I would give this essay a 10. You had some solid examples, but one more body paragraph could’ve made this a 12. IMO you should cut down you’re intro and concluding paragraphs; simply state the thesis and what examples you are going to use and reiterate your thesis in the conclusion. No need for a hook statement longer than a sentence. Spend more time on your body paragraphs (shoot for 3). Also, the point that I extracted from your second body was that knowledge can be a burden because it can be used to cause detriment to society (i.e wars, mass destruction). You should’ve made this point in your concluding sentence and also up in your thesis so it could’ve been more clear. Well that’s my 2 cents, solid examples. Keep it up!</p>

3

<p>Thanks!!!</p>

4

<p>As human beings, we all have an innate desire to know things. Just think of the last time someone told you, “I know something but I can’t tell you!” Surely, despite what you heard,…(You heard two things: 1. I know something you don’t and 2. I can’t tell you. Which was “what you heard”? It can’t be both since then the appropriate idea would be ‘because of what you heard’.)</p>

<p>…you were begging to know what that thing was. It brings us a sense of euphoria to know things, but later on we may ask ourselves the question: So what now? Knowledge can be a burden when it cannot be expressed or be adequately used in society.(You need a more definite transition to this second introductory point. It reads too much like a continuation of your first point about the urge to know secrets. It could be something as simple as 'Likewise, it brings… The topic in your composition book is ‘Coherence’ and it is one of the things a reader will be specifically looking for.) </p>

<p>Your first body paragraph is promising, but it has two serious problems. It is promising because it is exploring a significant and original idea. The difficulties are: first, that it takes you too many words to establish the premise of the idea, and second, that it makes a leap in logic that skips dealing with contrary ideas. The apparent contradiction is that your French Lit major studied “something that he is passionate about” while “All those years of learning…is (are) wasted when he cannot make use of it in the real world.” You are saying that in all cases the effort to gain knowledge is wasted unless it can be used in the ‘real world’? Is self-fulfillment only measured by practical success? Is passion something that must be suppressed unless it can be made to pay? What about our “innate desire to know things” mentioned in your intro paragraph? </p>

<p>“For many people, the years of schooling are the happiest times of their lives, but once they (The years of schooling or the people?) are out, they have to face the struggle…” …"</p>

<p>"…scientists and engineers also developed knowledge on something that could not be adequately used in society–the atomic bomb." … Watch out for the words you choose. “adequately” used? What is an “adequate” use for an atomic bomb? It ended WWII saving many more lives than it took. Our bombs prevented other countries from using their bombs, and vice versa… Knowledge of nuclear technology is powering hundreds of energy production facilities around the world, not to mention its use in medicine and science…As a critical thinker you must know about and consider these facts. I’m not telling you that your thesis is wrong. I am saying that to be convincing, you must deal with issues like these no matter what your final conclusions are.</p>

<p>“It must have taken years of investigation, dozens of scientific conventions, and heaps of funds in order to have finally gotten to the Little Boy bomb.”… “must have taken” sounds as if you are guessing about this. Try “It took…”</p>

<p>The following point isn’t really something one might expect to correct under test conditions, but I point it out for two reasons…First let’s look at what you wrote:</p>

<p>"Their excitement, however, came from the fact that they had made a scientific discovery, not because the bomb could potentionally(sp) destroy an entire nation’s resources and morale. It later brought them much regret when they realized that their hard-earned discovery had to be introduced to the world as a dangerous weapon. "</p>

<p>I like this because it is working to produce an emotional effect of drama and tragedy. But it “telegraphs its punch”. The sequence of effects goes as follows: scientists were elated at their success, the bomb was terrible, their hard-earned success, they realized the bomb was terrible. It would have been cleaner and had more punch if it just said: they were elated at their hard-earned success until they realized the bomb was terrible. Like this:</p>

<pre><code> Their excitement, however, came from the fact that they had made a hard-earned scientific discovery. It later brought them much regret when they realized their discovery had to be introduced to the world as a weapon that could destroy an entire nation’s resources and morale.

That’s enough picking at you for now. I think you have some good basic instincts as a writer. I think you are aware of the value of writing that appeals to the emotions as well as the intellect. But I think you need to work a more on developing your ideas in depth. I suspect a bit more time spent in thinking about your topic before you launch into the essay might give you a sense of clarity of purpose that can often result in a more efficient and direct style. (That’s why I made that final comment.)
</code></pre>

<p>As a teacher, I tell you about the potential I can see in your essay. But as an SAT reader, I am trained to look only at what is on the page in front of me. I see generally competent organization, grammar and usage, appropriate examples that are written with some above average flair for emotional appeal but with inadequate intellectual development and sometimes ambiguous or awkward expression of ideas. Compared to other SAT essays, this is a high 4 or a low 5.</p>

<p>PS…I understand the point, but I have to say your potato chip analogy doesn’t match the tone of the rest of the essay.</p>

5

<p>4-5/10, or out of 6? Also I appreciate your feedback! Thanks!</p>

6

<p>4 - 5 of 6. Sorry. And you’re welcome.</p>

7

<p>This sentence:</p>

<p>Otherwise, all that knowledge would end up being like eating a bag of potato chips–fun when you eat it, but depressing when you realize that it was all useless junk for your body.</p>

<p>Made my day.</p>

<p>Overall great essay. Can you grade mine as well? <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1373016-ill-grade-yours-if-you-grade-mine.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1373016-ill-grade-yours-if-you-grade-mine.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

8

<p>For many people, the years of schooling are the happiest times of their lives, but once they are out, they have to face the struggle of finding a way to use what they’ve learned through the years. This is a problem frequently faced by college students–no matter how hardworking and intelligent they were. When they first entered college, they were presented with a vast array of major options–from something romantic like French Literature to something practical like pre-medicine. The pre-med major must will become a doctor, but what will the French Lit major become? A French reader? No doubt the student has worked just as hard as the pre-med student, for it is something that he is passionate about. However, all those years of learning–despite it having satisfied his curiosity in the subject, is wasted when he cannot make use of it in the real world.</p>

<p>CORRECTED:</p>

<p>For many people, the years of schooling are the happiest times of their lives, but once they are out, they have to face the struggle of finding a way use what they’ve learned through the years to financially support themselves.</p>

<p>This is a problem frequently faced by college students–no matter how hardworking and intelligent they were. </p>

<p>The college experience enables students to satisfy their “innate desire for knowledge” no matter what type knowledge that is and what options it holds for the student’s future.
For example, a pre-med major must will become a doctor, but what will the French Lit major become? A French reader? No doubt the student has worked just as hard as the pre-med student, for it is something that he is passionate about.</p>

<p>Even so, career decisions are an inevitable part of a student’s future, and knowledge that does not cannot make a living can leave once-driven individuals lost in their paths.
The French students, for instance, may even face the burden of choosing a new trade–despite the efforts in college.</p>