Grade my essay please! Is conscience a more powerful motivator than blah blah

<p>Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, power, or fame?</p>

<p>______ Many of the ancient literary works are written on the theme of human weakness toward natural drives. They, primarily in the form of tragedy, introduce an ideal tragic hero who tries to settle down the ugliness of instinctive acts. However, confronting the fatal flaw of being a human being, the hero collapses into a mere banality. Even in these days, though thousands of years of civilization have past, the same fact holds true; we are only a kind of mammal, and conscience cannot hold us back from the selfishness animals must possess for survival. Three examples, each in literature, history and current events reveal that conscience is generally a weaker force than money, power, and fame.
______ Money cannot be ruled over by the decisions of mere conscience. Although any part of the history can prove this fact, the conventiaonal middle-class women in the Victorian age, as reflected on the character Charlotte in Pride and Prejudice by Jane austen, exemplifies this phenomenon most adequately. Charlotte pursues only money as teh objective of life, and only seeks rich men for marriage, regardlsess of their personalities or many other virtues they might possess. She marries with a man of considrable inheritance and royal support, and although she confesses later that her life after marriage felt more like living alone, she satisfies with that condition. Other people in the Victorian age were no different; they considered money as a great virtue of man. Conscience, yet, was not valued unless it followed materialistic abundance.
______ Power is another type of motive that conscience cannot rule over. The crisis of the third century in the Roman empire provides a paradigm of the claim. In this era of 50 years with more than 25 emperors, soldiers fought over their position in power, and most of the emperors were killed before they abdicated their power. It is of no wonder that this era is also known as the era of "military anarchy." This chaos gave the first hint to history that the Roman empire could collapse with a few men obssessed with power.
______ Last but not least, fame has ruled over conscence in the more recent years. For the last twenty years, the renown Korean professor Shin Jeong Ah has lectured in many colleges with a graduation certificate from Yale University. However, last year, Yale University claimed that her name could not be found in the alumni list, and thus accused her of forgery. This event was considered huge at the moment, but in a few months, thousands of Korean elites were found out to have faked their academic records. This apparently shows that in the current society, people are still unable to control their motives toward fame with conscience.
_____ These three examples each show how money, power and fame all destruct human conscience to build a malignant result in human civilization. Therefore, human beings should realize such weakness and start working on their own actions that might one day face against humanity. </p>

<p>My own analysis of the essay:
Good
1. long
2. logical
3. constructive
Bad
1. weak conclusion
2. paragraph length differs too much
3. a bit of grammatical errors</p>

<p>but I don't know how I should fix this.. How do you really write a great conclusion? I tried to learn from other people's conclusion, but it's not easy at all. To me, conclusion is the hardest part of the whole SAT.. Please help me! But before anything else, please just grade my essay please please please.</p>

<p>Overall your essay was very good. What do you mean when you say that paragraph length differs too much? Paragraph length? That is the biggest piece of garbage I've read about the SAT essay in a while, ever since I heard that making your essay longer makes it better (it's not length; it's that longer essays tend to have more support of the thesis statement).</p>

<p>Your conclusion is fine, but you exaggerate when you say that "money, power, and fame all DESTRUCT human conscience." I mean, come on, that wasn't discussed in your essay. </p>

<p>I'd give this an 11.</p>

<p>good..well written essay!
i'd give it a 10 at least..conservatively speaking
I would make the connection paragraph 3 more evident..such as explictely state that the :"soldiers just wanted power without thinking of the implications for the whole country so they had no CONSCIENCE for the general well being. This eventually hinted at the destruction ofcountry" or whatver</p>

<p>Basically SAT wants your connection short...but EXTREMELY explicit</p>

<p>hope that helps</p>