Grade my essay please. It's awful

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>I know this is one of of the worst thing you will ever read but I have to start from some point.
I'm really in trouble with essays.</p>

<p>can success be disastrous?</p>

<p>Almost all of us have dreams, goals which we want to achieve more than anything other. Because these dreams are so desirable, we rarely pay attention to possible consequences.
Many sportsmen, in pursue of fame and success, use special drugs to improve their physical performance. But meanwhile their lives are endangered. A few successful bodybuilders have ended their lives earlier because of numerous drugs like anabolics. Similar situation is in football. There are even precedents when footballer died during the game. On the way to success sportsmen push their body to the limit. As a result, organism just stops working not able to handle such tempo. For these people success very often appears to be fatal, not to say disastrous.
popculture also provides us with vivid examples of how can fame and success dramatically change ones life. Britney spears, one of the most popular popstars of 20th century got addicted to drugs. As a result, she was obliged to go through rehabilitation course.
Based on examples stated above, I think it obvious that success can be disastrous. People often don't take into account essential thing in pursue of their goals. Unfortunately such aplomb often leads to unexpected consequences.</p>

<p>I'll be extremely thankful if you give me some advices.</p>

2

<p>‘Else’, not ‘other’. ‘Other’ implies a comparison to something else within the sentence.</p>

<p>‘Pursuit,’ not ‘pursue’. It’s a noun, not a verb. I wouldn’t use ‘meanwhile,’ as it implies something happening independently of the drugs, rather than as a result of them. ‘Ended their lives earlier’ implies an active involvement in the process, so I’d change that. You need an article before ‘similar situation.’ ‘Precedents’ implied you said something about football players dying in your essay already, and you’ll want to pluralize or add an article to ‘football player’ (‘footballer’ seems a bit informal, though I could be wrong, not being a fan of football). Pluralize ‘body,’ as they don’t have a collective body. I’m not sure why you decided to turn the person into an ‘organism’ – I’d try to make this mesh a bit better with the rest of your essay. I’d turn your last sentence into ‘can often be disastrous, even fatal,’ as phrasing it the other way implies that it could be fatal, but what’s worse, it could be disastrous! --which isn’t your intent.</p>

<p>‘Pop culture’ is two words, and ‘can’ goes after the subjects (‘fame and success’). ‘One’s’ because it’s a possessive, not a plural. Capitalize ‘Spears,’ and put a comma after your descriptive clause (ending after ‘century’). You need to pluralize or add an article to ‘rehabilitation course.’</p>

<p>‘THE examples above,’ otherwise it looks as though you’re picking amongst your examples, instead of citing all of them, and ‘it’s’ obvious. ‘Thing’ should be pluralized, and again it’s ‘pursuit,’ not ‘pursue.’ A comma is need after ‘unfortunately.’</p>

<p>I don’t like the 5 paragraph format, but I think you could do with adding another paragraph of examples (how about the simple dream of being popular in your group of peers?), and you should either make your pop culture paragraph longer, or your sports one shorter, as it’s unbalanced otherwise.</p>

<p>I hope I didn’t seem too terse; I just didn’t want to write an enormous wall of text – but did it anyway. :p</p>

3

<p>thanks for grammar check :).
I’ll be really happy if I push my essays to 7/8 score range till November SAT.
could this essay score 4 or 5 out of 12?</p>