Grade my Essay Please

<p>Hello. I finally gathered up the courage to write my first practice essay. I'm a Junior and I didn't take AP English so I've never really done timed writing in 25 mins in my life. Here's the prompt and my essay, I did 4 paragraphs because I was just panicking and nervous and the general stuff. I know it's really bad, probably the worst essay I've written in my life. I'm guessing a 2/3 on the 6 point scale but I just want to know what you guys would think so that I know what to aim for on my next essays. You don't have to correct all the grammar errors, I'm quite aware of them. </p>

<p>Also feel free to link any guides that helped them. And I finished the essay in 25 minutes, went over like 6 seconds or something.</p>

<p>Many people believe that our government should do more to solve our problems. After all, how can one individual create more jobs or make roads safer to improve the schools or help to provide any of the other benefits that we have come to enjoy? And yet expecting that the government-rather than individuals-should always come up with the solutions to society's ills may have made us less self-reliant, undermining our independence and self-sufficiency.</p>

<p>Assignment: Should people take more responsibility for solving problems that affect their communities or the nation in general? plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>Essay retyped word by word. I inserted some stuff thats in parenthesis.</p>

<pre><code> Although part of the governments job is to solve problems and crisises ranging from the local to the global scale, that doesn't mean people shouldn't try to help and maybe even take matters into their own hands. If individuals were more responsible and self-sufficient the government would be able to run smoothly.
Sometimes when people step up to the occasion and perform the governments job it is because they are the only one who is available at the time. There was an event in the news recently where an armed assailant assaulted a busy dollar store in the middle of the day and held the clerk at gunpoint. Unable to press the alarm, all hope seemed lost. Suddenly, one of the civilians in line tackles the gunman into a row of concessions. The rest of the customers soon follow and manage to subdue the criminal until the authorities arrived. If it wasn't for a brave individual doing what should have been the governments job the gunman could have escaped or even harmed someone.
The government, like other things, is far from perfect. When a politician goes corrupt, its up for the community to have him removed. (lol up for the community. I'm dumb) If the members of the community ignore the crimes their corrupt leader is committing then who will be left to stop him?
The government has its responsibilities but unfortunately there are too many things going on at one time for it to be able to solve any problem that arises. In those moments, it is the individuals job to rise and take matters into their own hands. Politicians can get corrupted, the government isn't always there to "save the day". If people want problems solved now, they have to act now instead of waiting for an uncertain and possibly uneffective (lol) government resolution.
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<p>If you've made it this far, kudos to you. Don't forget to give feedback!</p>

<p>It’s not a bad essay but you didn’t really answer the question. It was asking “Should people prioritize helping their community first…or helping the nation in general?”. You answered “Should the government or the people work to help communities?”</p>

<p>You should try to incorporate your examples into your introduction. Many successful essays do this, although it’s not really a requirement.
Expand on your 2nd example more. Your examples should be the bulk of your essay, but it seems as if your intro/conclusion outweigh them. Also, try to use some more advanced vocab.</p>

<p>Another piece of advice is to enter/leave with something “spicy,” for lack of a better word :}
What I mean is do something to really grab the reader’s attention (a lead), then end with something powerful. I sometimes make up powerful-sounding quotes by some fictional character (Jim Jones, etc.). I will then use a powerful ending sentence to really conclude my paper.</p>

<p>That’s just what works for me, idk about you. But yeah, not bad, but could use some work. I’d say 8-9</p>

<p>Thanks! I was gonna end with the JFK quote but I didn’t have time. I had my phone as a stopwatch with me and I finished the second paragraph at 16 minutes. Normally I’d include a grabber but the whole time I was just busy thinking of what I could use as examples and I didn’t even end up with concrete examples and answering the wrong question.</p>

<p>No, the essay did answer the question correctly, read the quote and prompt more carefully, it asks whether or not people should take more responsibility in the community and nation</p>

<p>Other than that, I agree with everything else mistervert said, the examples could use more depth and more quality. The writing was alright, but it didn’t grasp you</p>

<p>I’d probably give it an 8</p>