Grade my essay please :)

<p>[There is, ofcourse, no legitimate branch of science that enables us to predict the future accurately. yet the degree of change in the worl is so overwhelming and so promising that the future. I leive, is far brighter than anyone has contemplated since the end of the Second World War.</p>

<p>Adapted from Allan E Goodman, A Brief History of the Future; The United States in a Changing World Order]</p>

<p>Assignment: Is the world changing for the better?</p>

<p>I know I'm terrible at essays but if anyone could bluntly read and critique on whats good whats bad and how to make it better that would be great. Thank you.</p>

<p>Is the world changing for the better? Are we not seeing technological advances? Are we not producing more efficient tools and formulas each day? We are in a world that is changing for the better. Allan E. Goodman said, " ..the degree of change in the world is so overwhelming and so promising that the future. I believe is far brighter than anyone has contemplated..." We are seeing changes to our cars, our food, and our lifestyles. We are creating things to help us get through the day such as vaccines and zero emissions transportation.</p>

<p>When we realized that global warming was going to kill us, we changed to more efficient, less polluting ways to power our automobiles. Recently, the Tesla, an all electric, zero emissions car has been produced to counter our potential problem of global warming. With zero emissions cars like the Tesla, there are less worries of pollution as compared to older cars that use fossil fuel. We are creating vaccines that we had never done before. There was a time without vaccines or immunity, and when the Native American Indians were exposed the British diseases when they conquered the Americas, the Indians fell short and died. Nowadays thanks to medical advances, vaccines can be produced to stop diseases.</p>

<p>When we realized the population was devouring more food than we could produce and in turn we are genetically modifying our chickens to make them grow faster in order to feed our demanding populations. Without advances in the food industry we would probably have starved to death by now. The world changes by creating ways to provide for our growing, demanding population.</p>

<p>In the past, we sought for change as our American founding fathers had. We as humans sought for revolution. We saw change as a good thing. When we disliked someone we call for change, a revolution. When the Malaysian people were tired of its corrupt money sucking government, they called for change, even a brutal Civil War to provide the people with proper rights and a government the people wanted.</p>

<p>Everyday the world changes for the better we constantly try to improve lifestyles of people and create tools to help our everyday life. We create vaccines to stop diseases. We created zero emissions vehicles to stop pollution. We created genetically modified chicken to stop starvation. We are constantly changing for the better.</p>

<p>I would give this a 3 or a 4, unfortunately :(. A problem might be the grammatical errors in the actual prompt itself…</p>

<pre><code>Starting with the introduction, I believe one or two questions for a hook is adequate, three becomes superfluous/awkward. The thesis makes a point, but is perhaps to abrupt. I would completely remove the last sentence of the first paragraph (“We are…transportation.”).
It’s obvious this was your paragraph with the most content, and the essay as a whole would have benefitted from a more even spread of information.
The assertion “…we would have probably starved to death by now” would raise eyebrows no matter what type of grader reads it. Make a point, but use subtler language. This paragraph and the next really need development of ideas. Beef it up with a little more description of the Malaysian crisis, or provide more examples of “advances in the food industry”.
Overall, I don’t think you’re a terrible writer, but I definitely think, like all of us, you could benefit from a lot of practice!
</code></pre>

<p>Thank you very much. Your unrestrained criticism will help :D</p>

<p>I think the most glaring thing in this essay is the lack of analysis. The SAT tests your ability to think critically in a short period of time (although the format sucks for the essay). Your essay had facts rattled off in a very organized manner, though. Try to incorporate analysis into your essay, and you will be sure to get a 10 or higher. One thing I want to point out is that you should avoid rhetorical questions in your writing. They make you appear condescending in some cases (although not in this one), but more importantly, they waste space. Why ask what you can show or tell? (irony) This essay would probably receive a 6 or 7 out of 12, because you did show that you understood the topic, and you were not vague, but you were not specific enough to warrant any development of ideas. Good luck and I’m sure you’ll do well on the SAT essay with a little more practice.</p>