Grade My Essay Please

I would like a grade and some feedback on my essay please. I realize that I made quite a few mistakes! Thanks.

Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power?

Money, fame and power can be seen as powerful motivators. In the end, these selfish wants do eventually prove to be greater motivators than one’s inner conscience. This is proven true through literary works as well as historical events.
In Macbeth, both Macbeth and Lady Macbeth have fairly high positions, serving under the king. When the king informs them that his son will be succeeding him, Lady Macbeth immediately suggests that they kill the king before he announces his successor. In this way, Macbeth will become the new king, gaining money, power and fame. Macbeth eventually kills the king, subsequently becoming king, which vaults both he and his wife into a higher position. The fact that the Macbeth’s planned and then killed King Duncan to gain his status shows and emphasizes that conscience was the weaker motivator than the power, fame and money.
Another example of this, in terms of historical context, was when Japan bombed Parl Harbor on December 11th, 1939. At the time, Japan had been invading China, trying to take over so that they could gain the land and the power that came with it. Japan needed tons of oil for their expeditions, and when the US, who were providing 90% of Japan’s oil, deciding to stop shipping it to them to discourage invasions, Japan attacked their Hawaii base. The Japanese were so absorbed with the thought of taking over China, that instead of halting their invasion when the US decided to stop supplying them oil, they angrily attacked instead. The fact that they ignored their conscience, which probably suggested to stop the China invasions and return home, instead they attacked the US in hopes of gaining China.
Finally, another example of conscience being a less powerful motivator is shown in the Rape of Nanjing. In this event, the Japanese went to Nanjing, a city in China, and raped thousands of women, as well as killing thousands of more in the 1900’s. Even though the Japanese could have easily told their military troops, the rapists and killers in this occasion, to not perform such acts, the power aspect of the entire situation overruled any conscience that may have been there. Once again, this shows that although conscience may exist, is is not nearly as strong as other, selfish motives, such as money, fame, and power.
The common view that humans care only about their selfish wants, such as power, fame, and wealth is an accurate depictment of people. Conscience, which is supposed to tell us whether things are good or bad, is easily overpowered by the selfish wants of humans. Many books, such as Macbeth, clearly cite this, and historical events, like the Japanese Rape of Nanjing, clear any doubts that fame, power and wealth are more powerful motivators than conscience.

I think you’d most likely get a score in the 8-11 range. You do have few grammar mistakes & awkward language. (ex. that instead of halting their invasion when the US decided to stop supplying them oil, they angrily attacked instead).

This is kind of colloquial, and for Body Paragraph #1, maybe you should write King Duncan at the beginning if he’s the king who got killed. [Didn’t read Macbeth…so I don’t exactly know] Body Paragraph #1 is quite solid though.
For next time, maybe try to follow the model of your thesis more. Because you are talking about money, fame, and power as motivators, maybe focus more on that, especially about the role of these things in the decisions that were made, so maybe focus more on how money, fame, and power motivate, instead of focusing on how conscience was not a motivator…do you get what I mean?
BUT…you had lots of solid evidence, which was really good! Even though there were some grammar/word errors, it’s fine…so I would probably give you a 5 [like I’m one grader] because your argument was pretty well-developed.

If you have time, can you please comment/proofread my essay? [It’s probably really bad compared to yours, but I would really appreciate your feedback~]
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1807786-sat-essay-critique-please.html?new=1