Grade my essay, please! :)

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Hey,</p>

<p>Here is my first attempt at a practice SAT essay (well my first real attempt was in June when I took the SAT). I did this practice SAT essay from the Kaplan 2400 study guide. Here is the prompt:</p>

<p>
[quote]
"People are difficult to govern because they have too much knowledge." -Lao-tzu</p>

<p>What is your view of the statement above? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience or observations.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Here is my response:</p>

<p>"Knowledge is power," so the proverb goes. Those who control the gates of knowledge control the passions of men. And indeed, Lao-Tzu captures this correctly in postulating that those whom have too much knowledge are difficult to govern. This truism is evident most especially in patterns throughout western history, particularly following the Reformation in Europe to modern times where information is slowly becoming more diffused among the masses, and at the same time, masses are being harder and harder for governments to control. </p>

<p>The middle ages saw few revolutions, if none at all. Vast majority of peasants living in kingdoms throughout Europe knew little beyond their town, and could not read and write. The Catholic Church stood on firm ground as the keepers of all the knowledge necessary for a peasant farmer. Though all this came to a sudden and ubrupt end in 1517 when Martin Luther posted his 95 theses on the Church door--a firm challenge to the credibility of the Catholic Church which to that day held a monopoly over the knowledge of God. With the printing press invented during the same time, copies of the bible accompanied the spread of Martin Luther's teachings. As the reformation took speed, more and more began to doubt the credibility of the Catholic Church, and its monopoly on true knowledge.</p>

<p>This undermining of religious authority soon after resulted in an undermining of political authority throughout Europe. Literacy rates increased, ideas flowed through major cities and the potential for revolution flooded through Paris and Washington.</p>

<p>All the way to the 20th century we find this struggle between the diffusion of knowledge and the authority of the state in conflict. Methods for propaganda arose, most famously in Hitler's Germany under Goebbles, but also more subtly in our own public education system. With the advent of the internet we find that government must...</p>

<p>And so to this day governments recognize the necessity to control information for people are difficult to govern because they have too much knowledge.</p>

<p>Ahh well there it is. PLEASE BE HONEST, tear it up to shreds, whatever you think its necessary--all that will help me more than anything. Whether it is a 2 or 3 or 10 or 11.</p>

<p>Thank you!</p>

2

<p>I'll put comments as I go along:</p>

<p>Intro is excellent. </p>

<p>Body 1: I was confused by this. Where is the knowledge? Where is the power? Particularly with Knowledge. Knowledge about what? Knowledge of God? This needs more explanation and clarity. Drops to an 11.</p>

<p>Body 2: No, no, no, no, no! Why is this a separate paragraph? "Literacy rates increased, ideas flowed through major cities and the potential for revolution flooded through Paris and Washington." Why is this sentence bad (perhaps the worst sentence of the entire essay)? Because it all goes by so quickly. Literacy rates go up and then all of a sudden there's revolution? No! </p>

<p>"This undermining of...throughout Europe." And then you abruptly say, "Literacy rates increased." It's sort of like saying, "The undermining of ....throughout Europe. The sky is blue." They don't go together. When did literacy rates increase, and why? "Ideas flowed through major cities..." Ideas of what? What ideas? This is just too vague to go unpunished. "The potential for revolution..." In other words, when literacy rates increase, people all of a sudden start talking about revolution. How is this knowledge? You essay is about knowledge. So your comments and examples do NOT relate back to your thesis. This will damage your score, down to an 8-9.</p>

<p>"...between the diffusion of knowledge..." No, we don't find struggle between the diffusion of knowledge... We find diffusion of revolutionary ideas, and that is NOT the same as knowledge. "Methods for propaganda arose.." What does this have to do with anything? Where is knowledge? You start off great, and then you blab on and on, moving farther and farther away from your thesis, getting less and less focused, talked aobut more irrelevant things. Moves down to 7.</p>

<p>And of course, the conclusion is bad.</p>

<p>I'd say a 6.</p>

<p>You had an excellent introduction, and your first body paragraph had a great start. But then I think you got lost in talking about irrelevant things that don't support your thesis, and that led to a low score.</p>

<p>Make sure your commentaries relate to your TOPIC SENTENCE and your THESIS.</p>

3

<p>Thank you dchow! Excellent comments. You seem to capture the downfall of the essay pretty well, I kind of remember it like that. I seem to have started out well, and as time ran out I guess I kind of started screwing up. </p>

<p>Maybe the problem was in my planning stage, lack of proper planning. And also maybe trying to explain too much (the intellectual and political history of western europe from the reformation....) in 20 minutes.</p>

<p>lol, the second paragraph there that is so bad I was intending to talk about the scientific revolution/enlightenment and how it led to revolutions and political upheavals. </p>

<p>Question: do you still think the reformation/martin luther example was O.K. for the prompt?</p>

4

<p>It is a very good essay. The only thing is that I think you need to elaborate on the second part. </p>

<p>"This undermining of religious authority soon after resulted in an undermining of political authority throughout Europe. Literacy rates increased, ideas flowed through major cities and the potential for revolution flooded through Paris and Washington.</p>

<p>All the way to the 20th century we find this struggle between the diffusion of knowledge and the authority of the state in conflict. Methods for propaganda arose, most famously in Hitler's Germany under Goebbles, but also more subtly in our own public education system. With the advent of the internet we find that government must...</p>

<p>And so to this day governments recognize the necessity to control information for people are difficult to govern because they have too much knowledge.
"</p>

<p>That is the part you need to work on. Instead of saying ideas flowed, give an example...Try to be specific with every vague statement you make. Similarly, your mention of Nazi Germany hurts your essa because you did not explain much about it. I"m a bit of a history geek and I know--but how do you know if your reader knows who Goebbles is? Instead of making a personal statement about your opinion (and what the government must do), make sure you make your examples clear instead of being said in passing. </p>

<p>They don't want fluff--they want an essay that tells you what you want to hear. Don't try to make it full of fluff--you only have 25 minutes. That's fine on normal essays but the SAT essay is not the time to add in metaphors and similes all over the place.</p>

<p>A quick conclusion is normally three sentances. It doesn't have to be amazingly insightful but you want to leave the reader with a 'taste' in their mouth so they can clearly reflect upon your essay while they decide.</p>

5

<p>I really liked your introduction. Your first paragraph, as someone already said, needs a little bit more detail. After that, it's hard to follow and I don't understand your argument. Try to budget your time so you have enough time to fully develop every part of your essay.</p>

6

<p>Celita, about the Reformation stuff... Well, I think it's a little hard to argue based on Martin Luther's "knowledge" of God. That's kind of iffy. </p>

<p>I would go about the essay this way: I would think of examples where people were hard to manage (make a list), and then find out the ones where they were difficult to manage due to the spread of knowledge. You could use the example where when more people learned to read and write, knowledge about so and so spread more quickly, and so on. </p>

<p>This essay is actually pretty tough--I have a hard time thinking of examples. One really good one I thought of was the 1960's and early 1970's in America, when there were mass protests about the horrors of the Vietnam War, which were shown in televisions all throughout the United States. You could have a great argument with that. Also, you could use an example from Communist Russia. In One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovitch, Aleksander Solzhenitsyn revealed to audiences in western Europe the horrors of the Soviet containment camps.... The word spread all over...</p>

<p>Actually, you might not want to use that example, because your reader might feel uncomfortable if you talked about that...</p>

<p>Or come up with a personal example. Make something up. It's up to you to think of one. I'm having trouble coming up with examples. But you get the idea.</p>

7

<p>It was a good essay actually... i really liked the intro and the 1st paragraph but i just couldn't see the second point so i can't see it getting more than a 7 at most</p>

<p>Also if this question comes up i suggest you organize it in a way like this:</p>

<p>Thesis: Agree w/ quote, knowledge is a "deadly sin"</p>

<p>MP #1: Middle Ages, No revolutions. Illiteracy rate was at it's highest with very few people given opportunity to read. Working in farm was the #1 priority so people didn't have the time to question the government or religion as they weren't smart enough to find a more efficient way to work a farm and thus did a great deal of manual labor.</p>

<p>MP #2: Enlightenment Revolution age. Use the printing press to make more books and give people more opportunities to learn. This in return allowed for people to obtain knowledge their own way and thus saw flaws in their society and began to rebel or question their rulers. You can use the Protestant Reformation as people didn't need to go to church anymore to read a bible and thus saw no point to it, or you can use the Autocratic rule question where people saw no point of having an autocratic leader and thus rebelled to replace them</p>

8

<p>Thank you everyone! Seems what I have to work on is more concrete examples and sticking to a solid argument.</p>

<p>I tried another essay prompt this morning but it was a complete bomb. The prompt was pretty hard :-/ and I couldn't think of any examples. Hmm, Kaplan seems to do things much harder than it would appear on the SAT. Here's the prompt:</p>

<p>
[quote]
1. Upon books the collective education of the race depends; they are the sole instruments of registering, perpetuating and transmitting thought. --Harry S. Truman</p>

<ol>
<li> It is not that you read a book, pass an examination, and finish with education. The whole of life, from the moment you are born to the moment you die, is a process of learning. --Jiddu Krishnamurti</li>
</ol>

<p>Are books the most important part of education, or are other modes of learning more important? Plan and write an essay in which you...

[/quote]
</p>

<p>So yea, I was just brain-dead for examples, let alone a position to stand on this. Maybe it was too early. :P</p>