Grade My Essay Please

Test Preparation
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<p>Any grade/commentary would be great. Thanks.</p>

<p>Prompt: Is persistence more important than ability in determining a person's success? </p>

<pre><code>Ability is useless unless one has a drive to be successful. Everybody loves the “underdog” story because it entails dedication, passion, and persistence. I believe that these “underdogs” have a better shot at success than those with natural ability but without persistence because of the movie Cinderella Man and the Civil War. But even more convincing to me, my father always tells my brother and me that it was his relentless demeanor that won over my mother.
</code></pre>

<p>In the movie Cinderella Man, James Braddock boxes professionally in the depression of the 1930s in order to keep his family alive. As a shock to all, the “old timer” Braddock wins enough events to face the heavyweight champion Max Baer. Baer’s superior skill was obvious, having killed two men in the ring. James Braddock, with his family in mind, had the drive that was needed to overpower Max Baer. His determination and persistence proved to be the deciding factor for his victory.</p>

<p>As the Civil War neared, many Northerners feared the Confederate South’s military leaders. Led by famous “Stonewall” Jackson, the South thought that they had the edge in the war because of their genius tactics. The North, however, was fueled with passion. They strived for a free nation and this was their chance. The North succeeded in winning many battles, but was aided even more after Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. His passionate speech forced the Northern army to become even more persistent in their battles. Their victory in the Civil War demonstrated that persistence has a more powerful effect than sheer skill.</p>

<p>As a young adult, my mother was forced into one of the toughest decisions of her life. She had dated two men, Frank Thomas and my father, and had to choose between the two. Frank came from a wealthy family and was on the road to becoming a successful doctor. On the other hand, my father was a poor industrial worker with nothing ahead of him. My father, however, was persistent in that he would do whatever was necessary to win my mother over: use his savings to afford a nice date, writing her poetry every day, and constantly proving that he would never leave her side. My mother, to this day, says that she would never look back on the decision she made to marry my father.</p>

<p>Movies, history, and my parents have taught me that persistence is more valuable than ability. It is not the fast hare with a lack of determination that wins the race, but rather the persistent tortoise.</p>

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<p>whats this essay for</p>

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<p>^^ its a practice essay i did</p>

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<p>“using his savings” not “use his savings”–parallel construction. (or you can change the form of the other two verbs in that list)</p>

<p>Generally well done, but I suggest that you work on transitions from one paragraph/point of evidence to the next.</p>

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<p>there are sentence fragments and basic grammatical errors that you shouldn’t be making. for example " I believe that these “underdogs” have a better shot at success than those with natural ability but without persistence because of the movie Cinderella Man and the Civil War" does not make sense. Also, when you write essays, unless you know the person who you are writing to, always be formal. try not to use words such as “shot” and replace it with “chance”. When giving examples, try to have a transition in the structure of your ideas. you shift from boxing directly to civil war. for example, instead of finishing your sentence and then starting with “as the civil war neared”, you can expand on your idea of “perseverence” and then show that is also demonstrated during the Civil War. Also, be careful with your facts. especially when you are using it in your essay. The Union did not fight for “a free nation”.</p>

<p>a tip I can give you is, try to focus on 1 main idea and use 1 main example. You the right idea behind the question, but your examples lack focus. they are all over the place. focus on something which is more passionate like how your mom chose your dad over Frank and work with it.</p>

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<p>you clearly know how to write well, but you can definitely learn to write better and ace this essay. </p>

<p>work on having more real-life events as opposed to having “Cinderella Man” because the contrast between that, the Civil War, and your parents makes the feel very awkward. </p>

<p>In fact, try to make all your examples either historical/current events, references from famous literature, classical references since readers love that. </p>

<p>Also, as a personal tip, you shouldn’t try to go all out for one side of the argument, since it’s obvious that both sides can be supported equally well. In reference to Latin, “take a middle course.” </p>

<p>for example, you should have an argument along the lines of, “success is the product of a combination of persistence and ability” not “ability is useless…” The later immediately has the reader trying to come up with counterexamples while the former has readers trying to think of examples of how you’re right.</p>

<p>anyhow, best of luck with your essay writing.</p>