<p>Here's my essay . Its on the first essay prompt in the blue book's first practice SAT .</p>
<p>Change comes from within. It is obvious that change can only be brought about when the person or people wish it.It is true that to change something is to take a risk.In my opinion however , it is a risk worth taking.</p>
<p>Sri Aurobindo was a great poet and philosophical thinker.He was a truly motivated soul.But his life wasn't always lived on an intellectual plane. In his days as a youth , he often spent his time in anarchical activities. These were violent in nature and were aimed at overthrowing the british stronghold over India. Aurobindo made explosives , for which he was caught , arrested and incarcerated. While he was serving his sentence , his mind drifted to thoughts of his wasted days as a reckless youth. His motivation to change all that and become a peaceful and pious figure came from within him. Many prisoners , while in prison , vow to take revenge against their captors.They may sometimes spend their years hatching plots to go about this shameful end. However , motivated souls change for the better. This motivation has to come from within. If the individual doesn't desire change , no amount of external advice will stimulate a change. It is often said that "The only permanent phenomenon is change".This tenet is very true and it emphasizes inevitability of change. Change will occur in one form or another. In the material world , there is no choice but to change with the times. People , as a group can change only if they want to. The ardor for change must be innate and cannot be dictated. Even if it is , very little change will occur and that change will be transitory.Such change is of no great benefit. Forms of government of countries have taken their present form today because of what many people have agreed upon and have brought about. In the time period of around 1789 , France was ruled by a monarchy. This specific monarchy was ruthless and had no compassion for its subjects. The king Louis the 16th supported the colonists during the American revolution , aggravating the precarious financial condition of the government.The people were unhappy. Due to this they initiated a revolution which resulted in the fall of the French monarchy and in the institution of a democratically elected government.This transition came about because the people wished it. In 1857, the people of india revolted against British colonial rule. The imperial regime was totalitarian. This first revolt, known as the 'sepoy mutiny' occurred in a place called meerut. It set into motion the cogwheels of the famous revolution known as the indian freedom struggle . A 100 years later , this gargantuan engine moved toward freedom . All these examples of radical change were brought from within.There may have been an external element which instigated them, but the persistence,tenacity and motivation which are required can only exist if that change is desired from within , by the people or by a person.</p>
<p>Change is inevitable. It occurs in one form or another.People , however can change only if they want to. As Ward Sybouts said "There is no choice but to change.People,however, cannot be motivated to change from the outside. All of our motivation comes from within.</p>
<p>Please grade my essay and tell me if you need me to go through yours :)
thanks
tooori</p>
<p>I don’t really feel qualifiied to “grade” your essay since I am just your fellow high school student who have little idea how SAT essays are judged, but I just want to point out some of the things you can work on. For instance, you should divide your huge body paragraph into three smaller ones next time so your ideas are easier to follow. Afterwards, at the beginning of these separate body paragraph, reiterate the main point of essay for emphasis and explain right away in one simple sentence how the upcoming example relates to the prompt and to your overal thesis.</p>
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<p>All of this is establishing your main point of view and should be a part of the introduction or the conclusion, not in the middle of a supporting body paragraph. Or if you were adding it in as a way of connecting your choice of example to the prompt, at least explain how your examples tie to these statements. Left by themselves, these few lines digresses from what you wrote previously - they were distracting. For the SAT you may want to follow the conventional organization of an introduction followed by two or three body paragraphs followed by a simple conclusion that nicely wraps up the whole essay.</p>
<p>Also, though I applaud your willingness to use those “big words”, I just want to point out that some of them sound somewhat unnatural in the context of your writing. I understand that you want to sound sophisticated and all that but you can definitely integrate those words a little more smoothly:)</p>
<p>Some of the sentence structures were kind of awkward, making your writing slightly confusing at certain spots, like here:</p>
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<p>Do you mean “In the course of a hundred years, this gargantuan engine moved the country toward freedom” or something like that? What are you trying to say in this very last sentence? Also, “people” and “person” are kind of redundant, you know. </p>
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<p>If change is inevitable, how is it that people cannot change unless they embrace change? Don’t you see a contradiction here? Oh, and just let you know, when you type it’s conventional that you don’t put a space before a punctuation, only after it.</p>
<p>Anyway, good luck on your SAT. Now you have a reply;)</p>
<p>thank you xrCalico23 for replying . I appreciate the time you’ve taken. And yes , i see the contradiction in the last few statements . Ill try and fix it</p>
<p>8-9 simply because it’s not structured.
I didn’t read it thoroughly because the markers don’t read it word for word either.
Having the intro, body, conclusion is very important. The same content divided as such could earn you an 10-11.</p>
