GRADE MY ESSAY PLZ DEC 4TH exam

Test Preparation
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<p>this is my essay.My vocab is very weak so i try to stick with basic words..which is really bad. trying to learn vocab etc for the final week before SAT but this is my essay</p>

<p>Prompt: do changes that make life easier not necessarily make it easier?</p>

<p>All human beings on earth, desire a change that maks their life easier. From the poor to the rich,everyone wants it.However, it can be said that not all changes,in fact, bring an immediate change but it can lead to a disastrous change.</p>

<p>Take for example,the dexterous novel written by mary shelley named frankenstein.Frankenstein who was a man from a poor family,was fascinated by science.he desired to be the best in the world because that was the change he wanted to make his life just a bit easier. he abandoned his family and enrolled in a university,where he became good friends with one of the top professors in the school.He learnt everything imaginable of science and became top student in the school, scoring the highest in his various courses.Eventually,after graduating, he embarked on his own journey, his own experiments.He eventually thought of an idea to create a monster from a variety of deceased pieces from different corpses. After endless hours,he bought to life a monster who was first recognizable by his hideous face. This was the change, frankenstein thought would lessen the stresses in his life and make it easier.In the end, the monster found out that he was very ugly and was always isolated by people. He needed the reason why frankenstein created him this way, but the idea of asking frankenstein was futile.He then wanted revenge and killed frankenstein's whole family and eventually frankenstein himself.
frankenstein,at the same time was deteriorating,his mental ability,his concentration and focus.He was physically affected as well as one can see, from his frail body and pail white skin.In the end,frankenstein passed away. one can clearly see that this example relates that changes make life harder,not easier.
Another example is bill gates, who created technological program called microsoft which supported computers in the world. The world was in uproar excitement.This example can be linked to a korean boy named seo,who recieved a computer for christmas from his parents.with it,he had an online game which he became addicted to,playing it constantly everyday.According to the education organization,children who uses any kind of technology, will suffer a game dependencey syndrome.This in fact, happened to seo. His GPA began dropping,he disrepected his parents and he began experience physical and mental changes, such as losing weight.It basically created another world for him, a world he thought was relaxing but it was actually killing him slowly.Then one day, seo played 72 hours straight and died of a heart attack.From this example, one can see that technology,which is suppose to bring good to life, led to an innocent child's death,if not thousands of children and adults.</p>

<p>From the analysis of these two examples,one can clearly visualize that changes that make life "easier", is in fact antipodal.So not all changes can be considered an easy path to a blissful life.</p>

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<p>oh sry about the paragraphs. IT supposed to be separated intro , example , example , conclusion but i was typing it rapidly</p>

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<p>ur right. ummmmm i tried to relate it … idk any other way i can explain my point. it says changes that make life easier dont. i listed from my example that changes happened and the result was not very good. so therefore changes does not make life easier…how else can i explain my pt???</p>

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<p>i think my essay would have gotten like a 8-10…but iread other score 6 essays and some of em explain the results idk…i guess i have to read again and study it. i have 1 week left till SAT</p>

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<p>wannadomath made some good points, that I would like to echo.
First, there are points where you lose subject verb agreement. Your thesis for example switches for the plural subject changes to the singular subject it in the same sentence and is in general somewhat awkward. your examples are good, i think, but you need to make the connections more clear so that it’s quite obvious how they relate.
Try and smooth out the sentences too. Things like “a monster who was first recognizable by his hideous face” are kind bumpy. Change it to something like a monster famous for his hideous face or even delete the sentence as it doesn’t really relate to how changes make life harder or easier. Or take a later sentence, “frankenstein,at the same time was deteriorating,his mental ability,his concentration and focus” This is a sentence fragment as the last 3 things you list are not connected to the rest of the sentence and kinda just dangle there. Try and read your essay out loud to yourself and see the parts where it justs sounds a little off. That will help. good luck!</p>

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<p>thank you! do you think this essay deserves a 8-12??? i want at least a 10! :slight_smile: im still having trouble connecting the examples ahhh :(</p>

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<p>I believe that the first paragraph didn’t connect to the prompt. Wasn’t the prompt things that make life easier but not better? Unless you showed some sort of change that made life easier, it doesn’t matter if it wasn’t for the better because the example didn’t meet the first criterion.</p>

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<p>The scoring rubric for essay graders specifies “effectively and insightfully develops a point of view on the subject and demonstrates outstanding critical thinking”. Now consider the depth of your analysis. Outline the major points that the examples are intended to support. What do you get?</p>

<p>The same idea in different words…Your examples are presented in depth, but how much of the writing ties the example to the topic? How many different relevant points and sub-points ABOUT CHANGE are contained within such long examples? Put the “three examples and get out with a zinger” formula on the back burner for a moment and look at how much you actually said about the topic.</p>

<p>I’ve read many posts on this site about how easy it is to write an essay using the five paragraph form, but they miss an important point: the form is just a form. It’s like an application form…sure you can fill in the blanks and it will look good from a distance. If you can spell and write legibly you will get an average result. But if you want a superior result, you have to pay attention to what you say when you fill in the blanks. The form by itself won’t help you with that. That comes from what ETS calls your “developed ability”, which means the knowledge, skill and wisdom you have incorporated into your thinking throughout your lifetime. You have to apply that to the topic before you start filling in the blanks on the form.</p>

<p>The SAT prep books typically tell you you need examples, so you put in examples. But examples alone don’t make a good essay. An example ILLUSTRATES a point. First you have to make the point. A good example may illustrate several related points- like the several stages of a process of change (initial motivation, planning and expectation, execution, results). My point is that you must first have the ideas you want to illustrate and then choose an example that most efficiently illustrates them. Your essay doesn’t do that. </p>

<p>A question: I’ve seen others post their ideas for easy ways to succeed in the essay, and they include using canned examples (Hitler, Napoleon, Frankenstein, Lincoln, yadda, yadda, Mandela, make one up…you get the idea) and then finding ways to cram the topic into the example. Is that what you did? I have to say that it looks that way.</p>

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<p>yep thats what idid…lets see…i write good essays when i have steps.
so can someone state the steps?

  1. state example
    2)???
    help</p>
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<p>Did you catch the part of my previous post where I listed the stages of the process of change? (Go back and look. Could those be part of the steps you were looking for?) Whenever you have a change, which is an event that happens in time, there is a time order that can be a guide to analysis. There is the time before the change, during the change and after the change. There are also cause-effect relationships. Something caused the change, or to put it another way, there were reasons for the change. There were also results.</p>

<p>Now, can you begin to see some things you could say based on the structure of the time order and the cause-effect relationships? Pick the time before the change. That’s when the causes or the reasons were important. So talk about the causes and the reasons for the change in your example. Remember, your essay is not about Frankenstein - that’s just the example - your essay is about change. What are you going to say about change that Frankenstein exemplifies?</p>

<p>This is where things get sticky. If you have a canned example and you are trying to fit the essay to it, you need a fairly complex example that has enough pieces so that some can be selected and can be applied to the SAT topic of the day. You have to know the example like the back of your hand, you have to understand the complexity and all the pieces so that you can select the right pieces and also several pieces that are appropriate for the particular topic and are fuel enough to make several different points in the essay. These have to be real ideas, not just superficial ‘Hitler was a bad man’ stuff.</p>

<p>I think this is why your essay wasn’t as strong as it needs to be. You don’t seem to really know that much about the novel. You seem to know the plot well enough, but that’s the easy part. Characterization and theme are where the complexity of the ideas will be found. If you are going to pick a literary example to hang your essay on, you need to know the story inside and out, and it needs to be a complex story if it is to be adapted to any one of a wide range of possible topics ETS might throw your way.</p>

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<p>thank you so much. i try to use literary examples but i am so bad at this… i might use real life examples! this is so frustrating. what is a fast way to learn books quickly? and get the main ideas? like huckberry finn,1984 etc…those good books?
i just read the themes motifs and symbols on sparknotes</p>

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<p>Reading books about the book is a good way to get a deeper understanding. Biographies about the author and literary criticism are where you will find them. But you have to read the book itself as well, otherwise you won’t know what the writers are talking about.</p>

<p>If you don’t want to read EVERYTHING in the biography or critical commentary, use the index and only read the part of the pook that pertains to your interest.</p>