Grade my essay plz

<p>Prompt: Are people's lives the result of the choices they make?</p>

<p>Everyday, every person on the face of the Earth is continually faced with new choices, different choices. And in response, everyday we pick our choices with the hope that it will be for the best. The outcomes of people’s lives are dependent on the choices they make.
There are many men and women who have attained positions of power throughout the world of politics and business. It has been a very popular trend in recent years to analyze the choices this group of people have made in their lives. Such fascination with the decisions made by the successful is evident throughout popular media. For instance, the television show “The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch” is chiefly dedicated to understanding how the rich and successful have become just that- rich and successful. This is accomplished in many instances by analyzing and aiming to comprehend the decisions made by the “man of the hour.” In addition, there are now thousands of seminars that aim to teach their audiences about responsible decision making, ranging from improving efficiency to decreasing procrastination among many other things. Why would all these people work to remove the myst covering the decisions made by those who have succeeded? Simply because by modeling those specific decision making abilities, many people wish to gain the same level of success in their lives! In this sense, it becomes strikingly adament that choices do affect the level of success, and consequently the life, on has.
The wealthiest people in the world have taken incredible risks to attain their level of wealth. Most likely, they were forced with tough decisions in their lives, and they chose the path that would lead them to prosperity or their passion. For instance, Bill Gates, the owner of the one of the largest conglamerates in the world, dropped out of college to pursue his dreams. He was considered precarious and a “youth” in respect to this decision by his family and friends alike. Nevertheless, he made the choice to start a business andit has allowed him to reach levels of success thought to be out of reach by the rest of his peers. In this case, the risky decision that Bill Gates made in his life has made all the difference for him.
Ultimately, as citizens of humanity, we are all given a shovel to pave out the path we wish to take in our lives. The way in which we use the shovel, or in other words, the decisions we made, decide the outcome of our road in life. </p>

<p>Thanks. All input on how I can improve my essay is appreciated.</p>

<p>A few side notes:
In this essay, I didn't allocate any time to proof reading it, which I realize is a must after realizing how bad this essay has been. Overall, I know I can be write better than this. I need to be more specific with my examples and work them more into my argument.</p>

<ol>
<li>Your examples are weak in persuading the reader of your position. Fix that and it will be a solid 10 :)</li>
</ol>

<p>Well I suggest you read and re-read the question… "Are people’s lives the result of the choices they make? “</p>

<p>Please remember that ANY essay question that is phrased as such, will always have too opinions to it. It is always good to keep what is known as a “balance” in your claim. E.g. if you claim that people lives, are the result of the choices they make, then its best you elaborate on that claim. However, you can not forget that a good essay, especially an opinionated or an argumentative one, MUST have a counter opinion/claim mentioned, so that the reader knows the two views. So always have a counter claim in your essay, strategically towards the end of your essay.. You can bridge the gap between the two claims by saying… “on the other hand” or “however” or “furthermore.” or " connecter further" or “conversely speaking” and so on and so forth. I find that lacking. so i graded it 8/12. Work on your examples, you don’t have to answer the question directly.</p>

<p>Be creative, that’s what the essay is about. Try to write in “second person” voice…i.e., instead of saying “everyday, a person on earth is…” and don’t say “people’s lives are…" rather include the reader, make it such: “on a daily basis YOU are faced with …" or say” YOUR life is…" trust me, it makes for good reading, and you should earn a good 11.
Even if your examples are weak, you can always get away with a god score, by adopting the write style and format. Your diction was common, yet effective. 8/12! Good try…</p>

<p>Someone grade mine too…
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/571425-grade-my-essay-do-memories-help-people-succeed-present.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/571425-grade-my-essay-do-memories-help-people-succeed-present.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>I’d give it a 7.
spidey stop hijacking people’s threads :P</p>