Grade my essay...pretty please?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>It's only my second attempt so it's not great, but I'd appreciate any feedback you can offer.</p>

<p>From BB test 7:</p>

<p>*"Tough challenges reveal our strengths and weaknesses." This statement is certainly true; adversity helps us discover who we are. Hardships can often lead us to examine who we are and to question what is important in life. In fact, people who have experienced seriously adverse events frequently report that they were positively changed by their negative experiences.</p>

<p>Assignment: Do you think that ease does not challenge us and that we need adversity to help us discover who we are? Plan and write an essay... blah blah blah...*</p>

<p>Most men go through life seeking whatever brings them the most physical comfort and satisfaction. Such pursuits appeal to our baser instincts and seem to bring us the most happiness and pleasure. However, any life filled with nothing but ease and satisfaction is fundamentally flawed: while such a lifestyle is certainly enticing, we will never learn anything significant about life and our own human nature without a healthy dose of adversity.</p>

<p>Consider the greatest of all Greek tragedies, Sophocles' Oedipus Rex. Oedipus was a wise and courageous man who used his wit to vanquish the Sphinx who had been vexing the city of Thebes, and, grateful for what he had done for them, the Thebans established him as their king. Enamored with his own intellect and fortitude and delighted with his new status as king, Oedipus' success made him a proud man blind to his weaknesses - he had lost touch with his own human nature. However, he would soon go through an excruciating trial that, while extremely unpleasant, would teach him a valuable lesson and transform him into a new man.</p>

<p>Unknowingly, Oedipus had previously murdered his father and married his own mother. When he learned what he had done, he grew so distraught that he stabbed out his own eyes, blinding himself. He lost his status as king of Thebes and went into exile. While such suffering is horrendus to even think about, it ultimately enabled Oedipus to lead a more virtuous life. It taught him the weakness of human nature and stripped away his haughtiness. Transformed into a humbler man, Oedipus grew much more sympathetic and concerned for the plight of others.</p>

<p>As it was with Oedipus, so it is with us. While a life of unrestrained pleasure is very appealing to our flawed nature, such a lifestyle teaches us nothing but sloth and idleness. Adversity, on the other hand, while unpleasant, forces us to step back and examine ourselves and leads us to think about what really matters in life. While we may not enjoy experiencing it, adversity ultimately is necessary if we are to lead thoughtful and virtuous lives.</p>

2

<p>Oh yeah, I meant to ask - will using just one example like I did here hurt my score? Sometimes I find it easier to only use one.</p>

3

<p>use the packet i gave u dude</p>

4

<p>Hey Gandhi - it wasn’t that I couldn’t think of examples, I just went on for too long with my first one and ran out of room for another.</p>

5

<p>Bump… will anyone have mercy and take a minute to give me a prospective score? I really don’t know what to expect, and don’t want to go into the test having to idea of what kind of score to expect…</p>

6

<p>I’m no SAT Essay grader, but I would give it a 9 or 10. This is only because you included one example. I think the essay would be stronger with more than one example because then it shows you have a lot of evidence supporting your thesis. Well written, good diction and grammar. If you had included one more example I think it could have easily been an 11-12. </p>

<p>Can you do me a favor and read mine? I want to know where my own essay is before Saturday.
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/665257-need-last-minute-essay-advice-before-satuday.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/665257-need-last-minute-essay-advice-before-satuday.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

7

<p>In the blue book, I think the first 6 only had 1 example as well.</p>

8

<p>If so, then he is right. But my English teacher told me that an essay with only one supporting example isn’t a strong essay.</p>

9

<p>Thanks for the feedback guys. I do remember seeing some essays with just one example on the CB website that got 6s, but I agree it’s probably safer to go with two. I guess I’ll just have to work on writing smaller - the space fills up so fast x.x</p>

10

<p>Dagol12 I think you are wrong. One fully developed example is enough to earn 12s on the essay.</p>

<p>I would give this essay a 5 or a 6 which would gain you a 10-12 depending on who is reading. I would most likely give you a 5 since you should have developed your example more with your own input not just dictating information.</p>

<p>Essayscore: 10</p>

11

<p>112358 ,definitely use 2 ,even 3 examples.Even though two examples are enough,sometimes it is better to use three.</p>

<p>P.S
I am sure you will get an 800 on math :)</p>

12

<p>Alright, I did another one last night and made sure to use two examples. However, using more content gave me much less time to revise, so there are some parts I really don’t like, especially as far as word choice in concerned. I also had barely any room for a conclusion. Do you think this would score better?</p>

<p>BB test 1 - What motivates people to change?</p>

<p>The world is in a constant state of change. Seasons change, mountains ware away, planets are born, and - most importantly - people change. But while there is no doubt that people do change, why they change is an entirely different matter. A plethora of reasons can be offered, from ambition to cowardice to the persuasion of friends. But every once in a while, a man comes along who absolutely refuses to change. It takes an overwhelming force to make such men change, a force that often comes in the form of terrible suffering. This fact is played out in the ancient examples of Achilles and Creon.</p>

<p>As great a warrior as the great hero Achilles was, his character was marred by one enormous fault: his pride. When his king Agamemnon wounded his pride with an act of dishonor, Achilles grew enraged and refused to aid the Greeks in the war against the Trojans, even calling down the destruction of the gods upon his own people. Neither gifts form Agamemnon nor pleading from his friends could persuade Achilles to change, for his pride was too great. But one force did move Achilles to change, and that was the force of suffering. His great friend Patroclus, vulnerable because of Achilles’ absence, was slain in battle. Achilles, distraught by this loss, was jolted to his senses and realized the stupidity of what he had done. He finally relented, repenting of what he had done and rejoining the Greeks. Suffering had motivated him to change when all else had failed.</p>

<p>Creon in Antigone is another example of a character moved to change by suffering. As king of Thebes, Creon forbade Antigone to bury the body of her brother Polyneices, who had committed a crime against the city. This put Antigone into a major dilemma: whether to obey the law of the gods and bury her brother or follow the law of Creon and leave his body to decay. Unable to pursuade Creon that the will of the gods was on her side, Antigone chose to bury her brother - and was condemned to death as a result. Creon was convinced he had done the right thing, until his own son Haemon committed suicide over Antigone’s fate. He was soon followed by Creon’s wife, and it soon became clear to Creon that he had made a mistake. The enormity of his loss forced him to give in and concede his error. </p>

<p>Thus, of all the forces of change, suffering is one of the most powerful. Men can ignore the voice of conscience, pleading of friends, and force of law - but it is impossible to ignore the extreme pain of suffering.</p>

13

<p>Your grade on your essay is almost exactly as the previous one I gave you.</p>

<p>The essay (as my analytical mind can assess the essay) is a duplicate of your previous but with a different topic.</p>

<p>I see you like your greeks. But what this essay misses as your previous is insight.</p>

<p>What you need is to have your own reflection in some kind of way, a way to show that you are the person standing at the back of your argument and that you have taken stance. You need to develop your arguments more if you want to earn a 12.</p>

<p>You have mastered all techniques so far but the two things that are missing (in order to get that 12s) is:</p>

<h1>insight</h1>

<h1>developing ideas/arguments more</h1>

<p>However this essay was a bit more well-developed and therefore you will get a better score from me this time.</p>

<p>Hope this helps you.</p>

<p>Essayscore: 11</p>

14

<p>Thanks for the score. What exactly do you mean by personal insight? As in, giving a personal opinion? Or just making my point more clear?</p>

<p>I could develop these more (many of my examples are basically brief summaries of papers I’ve written for school) but don’t really know how to cram more into such a small space. Any suggestions?</p>

<p>And yes, I am a big fan of the Greeks :)</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Thanks for the vote of confidence - I’ve got my fingers crossed :)</p>

15

<p>I forgot - is there a problem with shortening my conclusion like I did to fit in two examples?</p>

16

<p>By personal insight I mean some own reflection or similar to it. Now it sounds like your just babbling examples you know without really taking any distinct stance. You should make your point/stance more clear. Personal opinion is not necissary but will definately look better, so do that.</p>

<p>Try to develope the examples with more important information that would strengthen your argument and your stance and holding the abundant and unnecissary info. So prioritize what you write (the length is long enough).</p>

<p>There is no problem in shorter conclusion as long as you have developed your point strongly and therefore only need to recap all your arguements into one short conclusion.</p>

<p>My ultimate suggestion to you is that either try to develope 2 examples more, or use one really well developed example that really proves your arguments to be right.</p>

<p>The essay is about persuasion and not about the number of examples. Some claim that more examples will persuade readers while one really good example could blow your mind.</p>