<p>Prompt: Is the world changing for the better?</p>
<p>Essay: History has provided us with many examples that the world is not changing for the better. In my opinion, history repeats itself.</p>
<p>For example, in the 1880's, big business was king. Industrialists such as John D. Rockefeller, Andrew Carnegie, and J.P Morgan were very successful. These men used very illegal and unethical business maneuvers to make more money. Andrew Carnegie and J.P Morgan created a monopoly, known as the US Steel Corporation. Rockefeller created trusts and pools, minimizing or completely obliterating competition, destroying Americas capitalist values. However, in 1898, Theodore Roosevelt was elected and combated the industrialists. He passed many reforms such as the Clayton Antitrust act, which stopped these large companies and helped many low and middle class workers. After Theodore Roosevelt, weaker presidents, similar to those of the 1880's deregulated business and large monopolies were rampant once more.</p>
<p>Furthermore, the history of Rwanda and other African countries appears to be cyclic. In the 1800's, European countries scrambled for Africa, conquering many African nations in a search for natural resources and slaves. The Dutch conquered most of South and South East Africa. While they were there, they treated the natives poorly and forced many to convert, causing a polarization in the area. This caused the people to split into 2 groups known as the Hutus and Tootsies. The Tootsies converted to Christianity and supported the Dutch. The Hutus were the rebellion force and eventually succeeded in kicking the Dutch out of Rwanda. The people of Rwanda were free again but conflict occurred once more. The Hutus didn't like that the Tootsies helped the Dutch and mass genocide began in the 1990's. As shown here, the history of Rwanda went from enslavement to freedom to genocide. </p>
<p>In conclusion, history repeats itself. As shown in American and Rwandan history, history is cyclic and the world can never be just changing for the better or worse. </p>
<p>Your examples were very detailed but i think that you spent more of your essay disussing facts rather than proving “why?” and “how” history repeats itself. In your conclusion paragraph you do not necessarily bring together the two topibs and how they relate to the cycle because you just state “history repeats itself”. In the conclusion sentence of the second body paragraph i like how you stated a cycle of Rwanda from “enslavement…freedom…genocide” that is a very good structure to specify how it goes in a cycle. </p>
<p>Like what my english teacher always said, “if it answers why and how then its a good argument.”</p>
<p>i would give a score of about 8-9 but im not that good of a peer editor so dont trust it too much</p>
<p>I agree with geniusgeek. You provided excellent examples, but it’s important that you analyze those facts. Each sentence that you write should support your thesis/response to the prompt. </p>
<p>I would also try to avoid using phrases such as “for example”, “as shown here” or “in conclusion”; they often result in choppy transitions and are somewhat informal.</p>
<p>Overall, definitely not bad. I would probably give it a 7-8.</p>
<p>Thanks for the replies. After reading it over again, I can see that I kinda spent more time describing my examples than actually using my examples to prove my thesis.</p>
<p>I would give this an 8. Make sure to develop your introduction! The graders don’t get a lot of time to grade your essay, so you need to give them a great impression with an awesome intro. I agree the others; you need to analyze your facts! Good examples though!</p>
<p>Don’t use, “In my opinion.” Make the graders feel as if you truly believe that you have the “correct” take on this prompt. I would not have approached this prompt the way you did. Rather than referring to historical events and then giving proof that history is cyclic, I would have solely concentrated on contemporary issues. Because of your choice of examples, I believe that your essay does not give specific evidence that the world is not CURRENTLY changing for the better. You leave the reader asking, “Well, even though history is cyclic, couldn’t we currently be in one of those stages where society and the world as a whole ARE improving for the better?” </p>
<p>Way too short. Overall you’re a good writer, but SAT essay scoring is pretty length-based. Your essay wouldn’t even fill a page probably and your introduction is at least one sentence short.</p>
<p>You could easily improve though so don’t sweat it. Just practice. You gave some incredible examples and I’m pretty confident your one of those kids who could probably score a 12.</p>
<p>Well ,I would give a 7 or 8 ,but you have potential for 11-12 .
Firstly ,do not use only 2 sentences in the opening paragraph.Make them 4 or even 5 .Conclusion should consist of 3 or 4 sentences .Examples are pertinent to the topic ,but as some other readers told you ,you focused on examples instead proving how these examples actually substantiate your thesis.</p>
<p>I have just written an essay with the same prompt (Practice test 6 ^^ ) I hope you will grade me back Good luck and keep working hard ;}</p>
<p>This would problably earn you a 5-6 on the REAL SAT.</p>
<p>You say the world is not changing for the better but you never say how it changes for the worse nor how it has stagnated. And the world is changing for the better economically (then one could say what is the definition of better and in what field). That is what I don’t like about the SAT essays, the topic is at start very vague so one at the beginning of the essay must explain in a more concrete manner what your essay will be about.</p>
<p>No matter what your point of view is ,and the graders dont care about point of view, you must clearly PROVE this point of view.You should add at the end of each paragraph a sentence how exactly this example proves your thesis</p>
<p>@wb555, I wrote it in the BB with the supplied paper and it was 1.5 pages
@… the rest of you, thanks for the ratings. I realized that I spent most of my time describing my examples rather than using them to prove my thesis.
Thanks</p>
<p>Oh, I forgot to rate you. I think you’d get a 7 or an 8. But I think my point still stands that your introduction was pretty darn short and those can make or brake you.</p>
Good luck and keep working hard ;}</p>