Grade my essay!

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<p>Assignment: Do we need other people in order to understand ourselves? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations. </p>

<p>Prompt: A better understanding of other people contributes to the development of moral virtues. We shall be both kinder and fairer in our treatment of others if we understand them better. Understanding ourselves and understanding others are connected, since as human beings we all have things in common. </p>

<p>Essay:
People absolutely need experiences with others in order to understand their own identities. Questions of religion, race, and sexuality can only be asked when alternative options are presented. Knowledge of other ways of living allow people to not only question their own identities but also to cherish the differences that set people apart.</p>

<p>Only when other people have different views can only realize the importance of their own. This concept can be applied to nearly every war that humans have encountered. In particular, the Cold War was a time when communism and capitalism clashed. In retaliation, each side strengthened its principles in order to gain power of their adversaries. A similar divide occurred during the Civil War when opposing beliefs formed two distinct identities. While knowledge of other cultures allows people to confront and strengthen their own views, lack of understanding or interaction with others can also have detrimental effects. For instance, the French monarchy during the 1700's under King Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette was completely oblivious to the needs of the poor, leading to rebellion and the overthrow of the monarchy. In all, people must be educated about other cultures in order to formulate their own identity.</p>

<p>Personally, I have had the opportunity to be exposed to various cultures at a summer school program at Columbia University. The plethora of international students allowed me to interact with people from all different backgrounds. This enabled me to question my own identity: how am I similar to the girl from Romania or different from the boy from Pakistan? Not only did this experience open my eyes to various cultures and experiences but it also allowed me to appreciate people's differences. The world is steadily globalizing and will only remain in harmony as long as people learn to respect and cherish individuality. Over all, experiences with others leads to knowledge about others and oneself. </p>

<p>In conclusion, understanding of others' ways of living can only lead to beneficial results. As Anne Sheppard says from her book "Aesthetics: An Introduction to the Philosophy of Art", "We shall be both kinder and fairer in our treatment of others if we understand them better." Hopefully, everyone can learn to appreciate differences among people while also maintaining focused individual identities. </p>

<p>Thanks so much!!!!! <3</p>

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<p>Please, never conclude with “in conclusion”. That’s an INSTANT turn-off for the readers.
I found your intro a bit vague. The thesis statement was also a bit convoluted. </p>

<p>You brought in outside allusions/references. That’s good. It’s surprising how many people don’t use these. That would bump your score up.</p>

<p>Your body paragraphs don’t have much analysis. We get an idea of what you are trying to argue, but there is not much justification. </p>

<p>Your French monarchy example was depicted, but not justified. Why did it lead to rebellion. And your next paragraph: why do we need to respect/cherish others in a globalizing world.</p>

<p>And a minor note, your use of the word “hopefully” makes you sound weak as if you are not confident that your view is correct.</p>

<p>I would estimate this essay to be an 8.</p>

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<p>thanks so much! anyone else?</p>

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<p>I would also give this essay an 8.</p>

<p>Your thesis was a bit weird and hard to follow. The endings of the second two paragraphs had, “in all” and “overall” this created a sense or reptitiveness. Try to flow towards a more natural ending to a paragraph.</p>

<p>The writing style is good, but it needs depth. You gave examples, which is awesome, but you need to tie them to why it proves your point. You could also expand a little more on your personal experiences.</p>

<p>Honestly, your conclusion doesnt sound confident at all, and it doesnt hammer home your point.</p>