Grade my essay?

<p>Prompt: What motivates people to change?</p>

<p>Change, at certain moments, can feel inevitable to some people. Something inside of them creates a desire to upheave the status quo. What is the cause of this force? In examining personal, literary, and political examples, I believe that people are motivated to change due to their discontent with the present. </p>

<p>Throughout the majority of my childhood, I was overweight. The extra fat that was packed onto me was the result of years of eating an excess of fatty foods, playing video games, and giving up sports. Once I reached eighth grade, I suddenly found myself embarrassed by this surplus of tissue. Something awoke inside of me and shouted for action. My eating habits transformed; I replaced greasy hamburgers with nutritious salads. Candy was swapped out for fruit. The need to not be the chubby classmate fueled me, and within a year I had lost thirty pounds. The new, slim me is a product of change crated by a detestation of the past.</p>

<p>In the teen novel Just Listen, a transformation also occurs. The main character, Annabel Greene, finds herself in a state of depression after undergoing a terrible ordeal. She no longer has any friends, she is incapable of properly communicating with her family, and she has lost the drive for her modeling career. Things become different when she meeters a boy, Owen Armstrong, who encourages her to always be honest. She realizes how discontent she is with her current state and begins to slowly morph into a more jovial person. In challenging herself to meet up to Owen's expectations, she ends up as a better person. Had she not have had so much distain for her previous personality, she would have not had any reason to change. </p>

<p>The election of President Barack Obama also demonstrated how people change when they are upset with the current situation. Former President George W. Bush held a very low approval rating in the years preceding the 2008 election. Obama utilized this by promising that if he were elected, the country would take a different course. Among his campaign slogans were "change we can believe in" and "hope for America." If Bush had been a popular president, would the election have had a different result? The disdain for Bush certainly helped to propel Obama to office. </p>

<p>When times are bad, people dream of different realms. As seen through reality, literature, and politics, change is created through the lack of satisfaction for the now.</p>

<p>-IMO, you conclusion is way to short.
-more over, try to remain objective, no use of I, we.
-Also, the novel you mention, who is the author? If your using a book/poem etc… you need -to have the author in the essay.
-Using Barack Obama is a good example, but you only compare him to Bush… what about John McCain? Bush wasnt running agaisnt him, McCain was… so what was it that caused the Majority to go for Obama that McCain didnt have? </p>

<p>7/12.</p>

<p>The last paragraph doesn’t really sum up your examples that well. I think you’d be better off being less poetical.</p>

<p>One egregious grammar mistake: "“Had she not have had so much distain for her previous personality, she would have not had any reason to change.” Tenses and word order are off - it should be “Had she not had so much disdain for her previous personality, she would not have had any reason to change.” </p>

<p>I don’t think “upheave” is a word. “present” would probably be a better choice than “now” for the last word. I don’t think it matter’s if you have the author’s name or not.</p>

<p>Hard to say scorewise - 7-9 depending on how kind the readers are feeling.</p>

<p>Haha, yeah I was rushing at the end… </p>

<p>Upheave is indeed a word: <a href=“http://dictionary.infoplease.com/upheave[/url]”>http://dictionary.infoplease.com/upheave&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>LOL okay upheave is a word. But I don’t like it. :)</p>

<p>BTW you did a very good job of critiquing. I think you’ll probably be fine once you get used to churning something out in 25 minutes. I’m glad I don’t have to do it.</p>

<p>And speaking of rushing why do I have an apostrophe in matters?</p>

<p>10-10.5, ONLY BECAUSE THE CONCLUSION IS A LITTLE SHORT, AND REMEMBER U DONT KNOW WHO’S READIN UR ESSAY AND USING THE EXAMPLE OF BARRACK OBAMA WHICH IS VERY PROPER AND GOOD, WHO KNOWS IF A REPUBLICAN WOULD BE GRADING UR PAPER. tRY TO AVOID VERY EMOTIONAL ISSUES SUCH AS RACE AND RELIGION</p>

<ul>
<li>Your conclusion is way too short. Try to make it two sentences at least!</li>
<li>Your examples are pretty good, but then you have to vividly show how they are relevant to the essay question towards the end of each body paragraph. </li>
</ul>

<p>Good job, otherwise. >=)
8-9/12</p>

<p>this is not a 7 essay. it merits more than that.</p>

<p>I would give it a 9.</p>