Grade My SAT Essay Please

Test Preparation
1

<p>Knowledge is power. In agriculture, medicine, and industry, for example, knowledge has liberated us from hunger, disease, and tedious labor. Today, however, our knowledge has become so powerful that it is beyond our control. We know how to do many things, but we do not know where, when, or even whether this know-how should be used.</p>

<p>Assignment:
Can knowledge be a burden rather than a benefit? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>Essay:
In our world, knowledge is everything. It was needed to help the Incas to develop a three-sister staple crop that would most effectively feed their tribes, and it is needed today as we strive to develop cures for cancer and AIDS. What many people falsely assume, however, is that knowledge, like many other things (ie the Internet, television, and email) can be accessed w/ a flip of an on/off switch. Due to this thought, people have begun to conclude that knowledge is dangerous, and today's society craves too much of it.</p>

<p>When Thomas Edison fiunally succeeded after many failed attempts to create the light bulb, many people were wary of it. If they had electricity installed in their houses, they would regard it as a dangerous magic. They only acted that way because they were ignorant of how electricity really worked. Once they eventually gained the knowledge, they benefited from electricity's efficiency.</p>

<p>Knowledge can also relate to starcrossed lovers, like Romeo & Juliet in Shakespeare's famous play. Romeo's lack of knowing that Juliet was actually under a potion and not dead led him to his final demise. If the priest had only gotten to him in time, the two would have escaped successfully--only if he had that piece of knowledge.</p>

<p>Though unwanted knowledge is sometimes looked upon as a burden, in the long run it helps people. Society can't be afraid of powerful knowledge. If we don't embrace it as a challenge that needs conquering, we'll never advance in the world.</p>

2

<p>Your writing mechanics are promising.</p>

<p>You start your essay well, very good introduction and lead off contrast.</p>

<p>Your first example (Edison and electricity) is potentially good. But it needs to be tied more tightly to “knowledge”. It’s not obvious (as nothing can be unless you say it) how the invention is tied to knowledge. Certainly Edison was persistent. But that’s not the thesis.</p>

<p>You second example is specious. It’s not at all in the spirit of the thesis and your introduction. </p>

<p>Your conclusion is adequate.</p>

<p>What I encourage you to do is to extract the “beginning” of the example in the introduction – the agriculture strategy of the Incas – and make it a separate paragraph – i.e. one of the examples. Expand it, and work to tie it to the knowledge that comes for technology. Replace the Romeo and Juliet example with something more tangible.</p>

<p>Also find examples of essays that score “11-12”. Follow thee template that they suggest, and apply that template to your essay. Strive for an essay of 400 words.</p>

3

<p>Thank you Fogcity–that was very helpful.</p>