Grade my SAT essay? PLEASE!

Hi. I am planning to take the Jan 23 2016 SAT. This is a practice essay. I would appreciate it if you could grade it and give tips for improvement:) Also, Please ignore any factual errors if any are present since SAT does not take into account any factual errors.

Prompt: Do people accomplish more when they are allowed to do things their own way? (2013 college board Sat prompt)

These days, there are a countless number of ways one can accomplish something, whether its an unorthodox solution to a problem or a more practical way. When people do things their own way, they are in full control of their ideas and ambitions. However, when they are in a group or instructed to do things in an other way, rather than their own, it can lead to unpleasant consequences. People accomplish more when they are allowed to do things their own way, because it allows for more control and greater productivity.

The best example of this can be seen in the classic “Lord of the Flies” by William Golding, where being in a group proved to be disastrous. A group of boys were stranded on an island and desperately needed help. The boys appointed Ralph as their group leader. However, their were frequent disputes about who should be the leader, and numerous fights. These fights and conflicts took away from their main goal: getting help and trying to escape. some of the boys didn’t like the leader and wanted to do things their own way. Because there was no clear path on the course of action because of all the fighting, it eventually led to many of the boys even getting killed. The boys would have been more successful if they were not in a group, so that they could do things their own way, which would have eliminated conflicts

Similarly, people achieve more when their ideas aren’t influenced by other people beliefs. For example, Charles Darwin was a scientist who definitely did things his own way. Back then, people thought that god created all species. Darwin challenged this prevalent idea, asserting that natural selection and evolution led to the formation of new species. Because Darwin was allowed to do things his own way, he therefore accomplished more by forever changing how humans thought about the world.

Another example of this can be seen with Mahatma Gandhi, a reformer who was trying to get freedom for India from the British. Instead of waging war against the British (which is what all the other countries who found for freedom did), Gandhi did something different. he got freedom for India in 1942 through words and peace, not war. Even though it did take India a considerable amount of freedom, Gandhi succeeded. He was the first individuals to gain back independence for India through peaceful actions. Since he was allowed to do things her “own” way, he succeeded.

in summary, it is crucial for people to do things their own way in order for them to be more productive and accomplish more. In Lord of the Flies, since the boys were under a group leader they didn’t like, that led to very little productivity and eventually death. In Charles Darwin’s case, he questioned the idea that god was responsible for the creation and development of species. In Gandhi’s case, he questioned the use of violence and got freedom for India in is his own, unconventional way. It is important for one to express their ideas in their own way, and to not be bogged down by other people ideas. Being allowed to do things ones own way is crucial and necessary for success.

Negatives: You have many grammar and spelling mistakes, and you never seem to be able to connect your examples to your thesis convincingly. Also, you lack a colorful vocabulary pool that graders like to see, often reusing the same adjectives and nouns in one paragraph when you could have replaced them with a synonym.
Pros: You have a thesis, a conclusion, and clear organization of your ideas.

I would grade a 4/6, but a grouchy grader might give 3/6.

(Yes, you are correct when you say SAT is not supposed to factor in factual errors, but blatant mistakes put your grader in a bad mood, so you should avoid making things up)

The key to the essay is to write 2 FULL pages. During my SAT days I never practiced writing essays and I never received lower than a 10 on any test. You can write the best essay in the world but if it isn’t long enough, you are not getting a good score. You can also make up examples or edit the ones you know to fit the prompt (if they checked for factual accuracy my score would be a 0 everytime). For my October essay I created a civil rights leader named Paul Wilison and created an imaginary conflict between two villages in Africa and how their leaders compromised to stop the fighting. I finished early and got a nice 11 lol

Like @theofrelord had mentioned, very dull and some bad writing like this: Because there was no clear path on the course of action because of all the fighting, it eventually led to many of the boys even getting killed.
I would give you a 4/6 for good organization, but bad connection between thesis and examples.

I might even give you a 3/6, because all three examples are on the same level, which means you could’ve just used one of these three examples to argue your thesis. Plus the third example is not really related, at least not written in correlation, with the thesis.

However, I would disagree with @theofrelord 's suggestion for more colorful vocabulary.
If you are a getting ready for the January SAT, there is not enough time for you to acquire the correct usage of esoteric vocabularies. Even if you spent some time memorizing them, without large amount of reading, you will likely to misuse these words. Misusing words are worse than using words you already knew.

I would suggest you to focus on the flow of the essay and stronger correlation between examples and thesis. Also you should differentiate the three arguments. For example, you can argue through aspects of society, technology, and ideology (Lord of the Flies, Theory of Evolution, and Gandhi), instead of just describing three stories.

You should also focus on improving your sentence structure, diction and punctuation. I just have way too many points to make. English is a weird language. Besides grammar, it has many other conventional rules. I suggest you to purchase a writing book and learn from that.

I would not worry about factual errors, as graders are trained to ignore them, and your essay does not seem to have this problem. I would even say it is sometimes better to distort facts if it makes the essay more logical. Just have a common sense and do not be offensive. I would, however, advice against making up an entire story as it is a waste of time.

Lastly, I believe the SAT is changing their writing section after January. You def. want to take a look at those if you will keep taking it.

@MariaMark I would have to disagree that making up stories is a waste of time. It creates flexibility. I think researching 25 examples is a waste of time when one could just research two and adjust it to fit the prompt. I always have about 1-2 minutes left after writing the essay and checking for grammatical errors.

I totally agree with you @Brajia . If making up stories helps with your essay, do that! As I mentioned that you should not worry about factual errors.

I just think it is bad if you spend ten minutes trying to come up with a story. It would be better if you have an idea of a certain example and elaborate on it as you want.

a

@theofrelord Hi. Thanks for replying. I don’t understand how my examples don’t connect to my thesis? I thought my examples were good and at the last sentence of the paragraph I tied each of the topics to the thesis. And I agree that I had grammar mistakes because I was in a rush but I don’t notice that many spelling mistakes.

@MariaMark I don’t understand how my third example was not related? I tried to tie in all my examples with my thesis And also, I can I have a stronger correlation between my thesis and examples? thanks

@MariaMark @theofrelord sorry if I sound conceited but I thought this essay would be a solid 10 because it has a clear thesis, 3 supporting examples, and a conclusion. I even tried to use varied vocabulary. I’m really confused now.

I actually think your essay would be at least a 5 out of 6. I noticed some grammar mistakes, but other than that it’s fine. You seem to hit all of the criteria for a 5+ out of 6 (such as the use of relevant examples and varied diction/sentence structure). I really don’t think the essay is graded that harshly on the test. There’s an essay that used no real examples( just making up “what if?” situations), used simple word choice, but filled the 2 pages and got a 5 out of 6.