Grade my second essay, please?

<p>I made a thread literally a few minutes ago. read that if you want to tell me which one is better. But, I think this one is clearer, albeit a lot shorter. Thank you!</p>

<p>Is the world changing for the better?</p>

<p>Mankind’s pursuit of rapid growth and financial attainment has meant that our world is gradually changing for the worse. Rapid growth and an innate obsession with economic power has already had a pernicious effect on our planet, in the form of global warming. Our pursuit of financial greed has also led to an exponential decrease in moral values, which should be the backbone of a civil society. These two troubling effects will only become worse in the future. </p>

<p>Countries such as the USA and China exemplify man’s complacent attitude to our fragile planet. Emitting harmfull pollutants such as carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases has already resulted in increases in our global temperature. This occurs because greenhouse gases trap heat in the atmosphere. The effects of temperature increase can be disastrous. Firstly, sea levels have risen and will continue to rise. This, in turn, leads to flooding in areas which are particularly prone to such disasters, for example Bangladesh and the Maldives. Because of these countries’ low-lying nature even an inch increase in sea level can have a disastrous effect. In what way can someone justify that this is for the better? Thousands of lives are put at risk because of the aloof attitude of the world’s economic powers. </p>

<p>Another profound effect of economic power and financial attainment is a significant decrease in moral values. For example, the recent global economic crisis occurred because of a fool-hardy attitude to lending by large corporations. The reason for their complacency was greed and success. Moral values are almost non-existant in the offices of the financial super-powers. However, we can be thankful that this reckless attitude was uncovered quickly. Otherwise, we could be in a far worse situation. The only hope we have is that these corporations and their employees will learn from their mistakes. We must not allow this moral poison to infiltrate into other parts of our society. This greed and mercenary cannot become commonplace today. </p>

<p>The statement-“Is the world changing for the better” cannot be backed-up by arguing about technological advances, as such things rarely outweigh the extreme harm we are causing, not only, to our planet, but also to ourselves.</p>

<p>whats the essay for ? any particular uni ?</p>

<p>Sorry I didn’t make it clear. Its a SAT writing essay.</p>

<p>Anyone?? Please!!!</p>

<p>Bump… please!</p>

<p>I would give this a 10/12, according to the rubric (seriously, CCers are too harsh with grades), although I haven’t really graded an essay yet. I would like to point out that in your 2nd paragraph, you don’t have to explain how global warming occurs. That time could be better spent proofreading or adding more on your body paragraphs. Also, your conclusion was a bit weak. For the grader who has to grade your essay holistically, a weak conclusion often leaves him or her with a bad impression.</p>

<p>I would say an 8 or a 9.
First of all, the essay contains a lot of un-needed information.
It should be longer and should be more coherent to the prompt.</p>