Grade my UC essay

<p>I plan on submitting my UC application this week! Nerve-wreaking, I know. I have edited and edited my two essays multiple times. I just need a final solidification from my peers</p>

<p>Heres the prompt to the first essay for those who dont know it:
"Describe the world you come from-for example, your family, community, or school- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations." </p>

<p>Here is my essay:
I made up my own imaginary father for as long as I could remember. I recall bragging to all of my friends that my dad worked as an architect, and that many of the lavish buildings and skyscrapers in town were designed by my father. The truth wasn't entirely stretched per say; my father was an architect back home in Iraq but once my parents moved to the United States nineteen years ago in order to live a better life, he was no longer able to do what he loved and had to settle for an occupation that didn't showcase his natural talent.
I remember sitting at my Grandmothers dinner table every Saturday and Sunday night because my father had to work late on the weekends in order to support our family. My grandmother was able to sense my undeniable dissatisfaction for my dads current career. And she’d sit me down at the dinner table and while she served me a plate of authentic Middle Eastern cuisine, she’d tell me stories about my father that satisfied me more than the food I was eating. My grandmother held nothing back as she told me that my father craved education more than anyone she knew. He craved education so much that he decided to attend community college as well as work two jobs upon his arrival to the states, just so that he could get back to where he left off. What I didn't know is that my father had to quit school shortly before graduating because of my birth; he now had more mouths to feed and more of responsibility. Now left without a college education my father came to the conclusion that he won't be able to continue from where he left off. The words of grandmother forever echo in my head and I think about them whenever I need a push or something to motivate me. My grandmother told me that my father is no longer interested in pursuing his dreams because he knows that it would require his kids to be setback and his new dream now is to watch all of his children succeed in life and to strive for whatever gives us joy.
Looking back at it a few years down the road, I deeply regret fabricating who my father was to all of friends because the truth of the matter is, who my dad really is, is enough to make me proud to call him my hero. I can never equally repay my father for the sacrifice he made for us, but I know that I can do him proud by achieving my dreams. </p>

<p>This is a true story btw</p>

<p>Nice story.</p>

<p>It’s a great story and written very well. I just feel that you didn’t focus enough on how your father affected you.</p>

<p>^ I agree. I got into the middle of the second paragraph and all I saw was my father and grandmother.</p>

<p>You did a great job in describing your father and your Middle Eastern family, but I think you should also focus more on your own transition. How did your father affect you? What are your dreams? You can be a little more specific besides saying “I know that I can do him proud by achieving my dreams.”
Good luck! I am also working on my UC application.</p>

<p>You guys were a great help! I appreciate all of the feedback! Good luck on your own applications!!</p>