Grade this essay please?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>The SAT essay is currently the part of the test that I am weakest on, and if I could get an 11 or 12 it would allow me to get a composite score of over 2300. If you guys could grade this essay and give some feedback, it would be much appreciated. Thanks!</p>

<p>Prompt: Does money lead to selfishness?</p>

<p>The people of today's world have a general belief that rich people are greedy and selfish. Middle-class members of society believe these wealthy individuals are selfish, simply because they possess more wealth. This is not the case, however, as wealthy individuals consistently donate money to charities and provide aid for their communities. Money does not lead to selfishness; it does the exact opposite, allowing people to give back to the rest of society.</p>

<p>Kevin Durant is a basketball star who plays for the Oklahoma City Thunder. Durant and other elite athletes have contracts that pay them tens of millions of dollars every year. Some people may consider Durant and his peers to be selfish, because they are always striving for bigger contracts and better endorsement deals. However, in the spring of 2013 Durant donated one million dollars to fund tornado relief efforts in Oklahoma. His team, the Thunder, matched his donation. People like Durant are proof that money does not lead to selfishness. Although Durant is rich, he does not hesitate to contribute to charitable organizations.</p>

<p>While Durant makes his money by playing basketball, other wealthy individuals make their money in big business. In the early years of the 20th century, big business was on the rise in the United States, and a man named Andrew Carnegie was quick to invest in the steel industry. Carnegie came close to monopolizing the entire steel industry, and at the peak of his power controlled 80% of all steel manufacturing in the United States. Despite his vast wealth, Carnegie was not a selfish man. he promoted the idea of helping others to become wealthy, and started his own charity organization.</p>

<p>There are members of society who believe that money leads to selfishness, when in reality it does the exact opposite. Because they became wealthy and successful, people like Durant and Carnegie were able to give back to society. Money does not lead to selfishness, but to charity.</p>

2

<p>This is a four, primarily because it’s mostly fact. If I can find it online, it’s not original and therefore not top-tier.</p>

<p>Maybe later I’ll come on and write a bit more about this one.</p>

3

<p>I think you definitely need more reasoning behind the second example. You provide too much background information on Carnegie, which is unnecessary, and should instead write more on his charitable deeds. The first example, imo, is better because it does have that supporting evidence. I agree with jkjeremy though, it’s just facts.
However, it’s a 4/5 for me. P:</p>

4

<p>Nice essay. Clear thoughts but they do need more reasoning. You could sum up the facts and said something like Andrew Carnegie, the steel tycoon, was a successful philanthropist who funded 5 million dollars to benefit the poor through education by building over 2500 libraries and found CMU in 1912 or whatever. Something like that, also Carnegie quoted “He who dies rich, dies disgraced”, which could furthermore summarize your key points.</p>