<p>I have strongly encouraged my son to go away to college, although there is a decent university in our town. He was accepted to a prestigious college with a full-ride scholarship and will attend in the fall. From the beginning, his grandparents have not understood me encouraging him to look at other schools, saying "we have a perfectly good school here."</p>
<p>It has been his decision, and while he certainly knew my excitement, it was his decision. The college matches everything he wants. He wants to go, is excited about the campus life, but is experiencing the natural anxiety of leaving home. His close friends are all going away to other schools, so I think this makes it a bit easier for him.</p>
<p>Admittedly, I am excited about his opportunity because I did not go away to college. I also think the opportunities to learn independence, exposure to a larger world, and the top notch academics cannot be gained going to the local university in the same town he grew up in. The fact that jobs here are very limited is another reason I think </p>
<p>The only problem may be his grandmother not wanting him to go away to college. She has lived in our hometown for her whole life, has been like a third parent to S in many ways, and has insisted on taking care of his laundry, clothing purchases, monitoring his activities, and providing for any need. I have appreciated her help over the years, but believe it is time to back off.</p>
<p>S said she is not that supportive of the decision to go away, and I am concerned she may nudge him to stay during this period of conflicting emotions. Which, I do not think is in his best interest.</p>
<p>I would tell her in no uncertain terms that if she loves him as much as she says she does she needs to butt out and not put her needs ahead of his.</p>
<p>And I’d talk to ds about how, naturally, his grandmother is sad but that this is a natural part of the maturation process and not to let it bother him.</p>
<p>We have discussed his grandmothers reasons and emotions…and he understands. Knowing her concerns early on, I took her with us on two college visits so she could see where he would be living and the opptys he would have.</p>
<p>Then I repeat: “I would tell her in no uncertain terms that if she loves him as much as she says she does she needs to butt out and not put her needs ahead of his.”</p>
<p>Have you spoken with her about how she is dampening his enthusiasm (if she is)?</p>
<p>Ds’ grandparents didn’t/don’t want my kids to leave the state either. It’s normal. But you have to set the boundary.</p>
<p>Absolutely agree with YDS! Have a gentle but firm talk with grandma and tell her it is time to step back. Validate her feelings of loss, that she will miss him, etc., but reaffirm that this is his decision and is not to be second guessed. </p>
<p>Close relationships with grandparents can be a wonderful part of growing up, however when they reach into the area of parenting it can make it very hard for a teen. It’s hard enough to break free of two parents, let alone three. We have had to have several very stern talks with my mother over the last year, who although very well meaning, is veering very clearly into parenting territory. I tell her she earned the right to enjoy her grandchildren, let me do the hard stuff. ;)</p>
While very well meaning, I’m afraid this may have sent the wrong message to grandma…that she was part of the decision making process. What’s done is done, however it may have been a better idea to take her to visit your son in the fall once he was there and established. She could then see the school and that he was happy there. She is then a visitor, not an evaluator.</p>
<p>“He was accepted to a prestigious college with a full-ride scholarship and will attend in the fall”
congratulations to your S! It’s hard to argue with “free!” and he earned it.</p>
<p>D will also be going away on a full ride but to a very unknown school. She has had to field comments such as “where?” “why there?” and more ignorant ones such as “get your overalls ready” since she’s going to the South. While not coming from her grandparents, some of the adults have been around her all of her life and she looks up to them.</p>
<p>We have tried to help her deal with/ignore it by letting her know we
support her. As time nears for her to leave, I have heard her tell people
she’s nervous. It is perfectly normal to have second thoughts and your
S may feel that, too. What a wonderful opportunity he has! Encourage
him and once he is steadfast about his decision, his grandmother will
hopefully back down and choose to support him, as well. Shift the focus away from grandma. This is about your S wanting to grow in his own way.</p>
<p>Your son is very lucky to have a Dad like you to support him in this. Going away to school away from home is exciting, stressful, fraught with conflicting emotions. The last thing your son needs is to have close family members pressuring him to change his mind and stay close to home when he has decided otherwise. If the grandmother is at least a little computer-savvy perhaps you could set her up with Skype and a camera so that she can stay in touch with your son during the school year. It definitely takes the sting out of the separation. </p>
<p>Your son’s grandmother would not be the first person to suffer such anxieties about a kid leaving home to attend college, but usually it’s one of the parents. Take her out to coffee or lunch and address her concerns about this upcoming change in her life and your son’s. Ask her what she’s afraid might happen. Get it all out in the open. Assure her, in a kindly way, that although some kids are content to stay closer to home for college, your son isn’t one of them and then play up the advantages of going away and how this will help mature him and learn independence and responsibility. You may have to agree to disagree, but if your son’s mind gets turned around on this he might never stop regretting his missed opportunity which he already had in hand before he was pressured to relinquish because someone loved him so much she couldn’t bear to see him spread his wings away from her.</p>
<p>What is the exact problem here? So the grandmother doesn’t like the idea. So what? Unless she’s going to physically throw herself at your son and restrain him from boarding the train / the airplane / whatever, it’s not her concern. </p>
<p>I think part of it is revealed when you say “she has insisted on taking care of …” various things. Insisted to whom - to you? You’re his parent. You get to decide issues regarding your son, whether they are who does his laundry, buys his clothing, or where he goes to college.</p>
<p>What is it that makes you nervous about the prospect of saying, “Mom [I’m assuming it’s your mother, not your spouse’s mother], I appreciate all your thoughts and concerns, but S is very excited about going away to XYZ and I really need you to join in sharing his enthusiasm and wishing him well.” What are you afraid would happen, and how would you feel about it? Is it a fear that you would hurt her feelings? That she would ‘guilt’ you (“look at all I’ve done for you”)?</p>
<p>OP, I think what you need is a set of stock phrases and statements that you will use around the grandmother, like:
“It will be hard on all of us for S to go away, but we are all so proud of him.”
“This is such a great opportunity for him, we all need to keep our sadness about missing him to ourselves.”
“I’m sure we’ll see him often and hear from him with news about all the exciting things he will be doing.”
Just say these things over and over.</p>
<p>Yes. Hunt is, as usual, spot-on. You need to have phrases that show that you are not engaging her in the discussion of the merits of son’s going away, that it is a done deal. Taking her on the college visits probably was a mistake, to be honest. </p>
<p>Do you anticipate similar reaction from grandmother with other life decisions, e.g. who son dates / marries, where he chooses to live after college, what he majors in?</p>
<p>Actually, no, the time to ‘back off’ was last fall when your kid applied ED to a college far away. </p>
<p>It really seems that you and your mom/MIL, need a have a discussion out back behind the tool shed. IMO, this is all about your and your wife and your relations with your 'rents. Leave the kid out of it.</p>
It’s not that she “has a say”, but they will (and have the right to) express their feelings and opinions. A lot of us have had to deal with attempts by the grandparents to influence these and other parenting decisions.</p>
<p>I think you may be able to manage this without confrontation. I would say the most important private conversation is not with grandma, but with son: “Son, you know your grandma loves and will miss you, so you can expect that she may feel some reservations about your leaving, and she may say some things that will upset you. But you should know that in her heart she wants the best for you, and is very proud of you. So you just have to ‘smile and nod’ when she says those things–and promise her that you’ll call her, and will see her at breaks, etc.”</p>
<p>All excellent input. I would add that sometimes when loved ones are worried, or show concern about new adventures for us, it is really more about their own fears and anxiety. I know I heard a lot of this talk before my D moved across the country. I tried hard to explain but got to the phase, “The wonderful thing about this journey is it’s hers not mine so I just stand beside her and cheer”</p>
<p>Once your son realizes it’s about others discomfort, he can go forth and chart his own course.</p>
<p>What a wonderful experience for him and congratulations on his scholarship!!</p>