<p>A parent’s (and grandparent’s) job is to help your kid reach young adulthood and set them free. If it’s within your ability to pay (obviously the case here), then going across the country to college is the STUDENT’S decision. This would also apply if/when your child is done with school and wants to move elsewhere. Once they’re grown, we get to worry but we don’t get to control them.</p>
<p>There are several very good colleges right here in town, and everyone from the neighbor to the governor has a degree from UW-no one ever seems to leave. And I think that makes a lot of people more close-minded and provincial (I’m from way, way out of state). Nothing terribly wrong with that, but I agree with you, OP, that going elsewhere for school can open the world to a person. </p>
<p>I like the idea of stock phrases to repeat to Grandma. And a heart-to-heart with your S about dealing with her. With email, Skype and so on, kids are more connected to home no matter where they are then ever before, but Gma needs to let go.</p>
<p>FWIW, my youngest plans to go to the opposite coast for college and I’m encouraging that. I’d actually feel a little sad if she decided to just camp out in this city her entire life.</p>
<p>I’m not sure I necessarily agree with that…especially if the grandmother/other relative in question isn’t offering to pay most/all of the college tuition and expenses. </p>
<p>Had this moment with an aunt who was a bit too insistant about suggesting I go pre-med/medical school. She dropped the subject once I mentioned I’d consider her ideas on two conditions:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>She paid for ALL my undergrad/med school tuition and expenses. </p></li>
<li><p>She pledges to pay for all expenses associated with setting up medical practice…including paying for all the inevitable malpractice judgments that may result from my becoming an MD. :)</p></li>
</ol>
<p>While that may have been impolitic…it was very effective in shutting down her efforts in trying to turn me towards a medical career. </p>
<p>Thank goodness…especially after having 3 medical interns/residents as roommates for 5 years. :)</p>
<p>I think GM has the idea that her beloved grandson will go to college away, perhaps get a job in that area, marry, and remain long distance. hopefully, S is going to a nice area, so a fall vacation is a thought.</p>
<p>It’s been many years, and I still envy friends whose kids are more local. That doesn’t mean I ever want or expect my son to live in my area. It must be hard for someone who has never left their hometown to adjust to someone willingly moving away. Of course, I’d never let her try to convince her grandson to stay put and not have this wonderful adventure.</p>
<p>Wow–families are SO different. My mom has 23 grandchildren and probably can’t remember all their names/ages, let alone where they went/are going/plan to go to college. She does have a closer relationship with those who live nearby, but it would never involve having any input on a college decision or expressing HER NEED to keep grandchildren close by so she could maintain that relationship.
The OP’s mom’s role as “3rd parent” has given a lot of meaning to her life, and that makes it harder to let go. However, it is selfish of her to try to hold onto her grandson–it sounds emotionally manipulative to me.
I agree that repeating “stock phrases” and ignoring her negative comments is the way to go. Just act like it’s a “done deal” and she’ll realize that she has no power to change the situation. The grandson can promise to write/call/email/skype her occasionally, but this shouldn’t be more than HE wants–he shouldn’t let grandma intrude too much on his college life.
Meanwhile–grandma needs a new hobby! Maybe she could volunteer at a school or church, get a pet, take an exercise class where she can meet new people?</p>
<p>I don’t agree that the grandmother has a right to express her opinion to her grandson about where he goes to college. I think that the OP needs to assert his independence as a father/husband and put an end to the meddling of his mother/MIL. It’s not her business and she should butt out.</p>
It’s a free country. Are you suggesting that people don’t have a right to speak? Who takes away that right? If you don’t have the right to speak and you speak anyways will you be sent to jail? </p>
<p>G-ma has the right to give her opinion. OP and the grandson can gently inform her that he has made a decision and the time for “reconsidering” is now past. If she seems intent on trying to prey on this moment of weakness/cold feet, they should duck and weave and avoid her for the time being. G-ma has been a help in his life and there is no point in alienating her any more than necessary at this point. She will probably continue to be a help, sending care packages, etc. </p>
<p>Unless of course they tell her to “buzz off” as it were.</p>
<p>Maybe because the family has “allowed” gma to pay for so many things that parents typically pay for (clothes and stuff) and does his laundry, the parents somehow think they owe her a “say” in these things. </p>
<p>Boundaries got blurred when the parents allowed Gma to act like a 3rd parent. Parents need to reset boundaries.</p>
<p>I can remember the fuss my dad tried to make over my kids’ choice of taking Spanish instead of French. My dad considered French as being more intellectual, etc. I just told him that they were taking Spanish, end of story. No discussion will change that. Period. When dad tried to say anything later, I just repeated the fact that they would be taking Spanish.</p>
<p>I agree with blue iguana. Grandma is certainly an important part of the extended family, but it isn’t appropriate to bring along on pre college tours, unless perhaps she is underwriting four years of college.</p>
<p>However, I suspect that bringing her along on college tour was a natural continuation of previous over involvement with her grandchildren.
That I’m afraid was in the parents court to monitor, and should have been dealt with earlier, but it is never too late to tweak the relationship.</p>
<p>While it’s right that grandma doesn’t “get a say” and it’s appropriate to make sure OP’s S is prepared to ignore her… I can’t help but think of how my parents didn’t think I should go to college at all, and my grandparents were the only people that encouraged me. Whether my grandparents “had a say” or not in how I was raised, I don’t think anyone would think there’s anything wrong with them encouraging me to go to school… I object on principle to taking issue with grandma having an opinion just because we don’t agree with the stance she’s taking. That’s why I agree with Hunt’s assessment-- have the conversation with the kid. I wouldn’t talk to grandma about it unless she really gets pushy or if it’s causing problems for kid. It’s a good time for kid to learn how not to be too influenced by other people, and how to tactfully extricate himself from those scenarios.</p>
<p>I think that’s mouthy and obnoxious, and not the right way to treat someone who is, after all, motivated by kindness even if they aren’t aware they are crossing boundaries. The proper way to treat them is to say, “Thank you for your opinion, I’ve considered it, but I’m going to do XYZ; I’m excited about it and hope you are too.” Because what if she had called your bluff and produced a wad of cash?</p>
<p>OP, there’s only one way to handle this. The next time it comes up, don’t engage. You’re never going to convince her, but as long as you continue to talk with her about it, she thinks it’s still an open topic.</p>
<p>Instead say, pleasantly but firmly, “Mom, the decision has been made. He’s going to XYZ University.” And then change the subject. Repeat every time it comes up. Send her the message that the subject is closed by – closing it.</p>
<p>Did I miss the answers to these 2 questions? 1. Is there a PragmaticMom ? and 2. How far away is the far away college?</p>
<p>I love how others are so quick to impose their family guidelines on others. If this kid was raised with his grandmother around constantly filling the role of a 3rd parent, perhaps their family dynamic is different from our own.</p>
<p>How quickly we forget… the Gilmore Girls. :D</p>
<p>Would it help to have your son ask Grandma if she will come and visit him on parent’s weekend in the fall at his new school? If he tells her he is really excited about it and wants to show it to her, maybe she can start looking forward to where he IS going instead of where she wishes he is going. I am assuming she has not visited yet. Also, you should remind her it is July and deposits are mailed/other offers are already turned down, so it is time to look forward and encourage him rather than saying things that might make him feel bad or doubtful.</p>
<p>I am sympathetic (I am the OP on a thread about my parents and pressure for HYPS for D2…). But they really can’t change it now, decision is made. So there is some relief in that.</p>
<p>I am flabbergasted by some of these comments. For those of us who have spent significant amount of time with our grandparents (or in some cases where grandparents have helped raised us), their opinions are even worth more than our parents. My grandparents meant everything to me, and if I had chosen a college which they did not like, I would have weighed their opinions more. </p>
<p>You would not understand this if you don’t have this special relationship with your grandparents. </p>
<p>OP explain to her why this college is better fit for your son. Let her know that this is a great opportunity for your son. She is fearful that she might not get the chance to see him as often as she would like, and that might be influencing her advice for him to stay local</p>
<p>The older people get and the less able they feel to deal with unfamiliar places/experiences, the more they project those feelings on to young people. This is just natural. I wouldn’t suggest adding to gramma’s concerns by saying how hard it will be for you too. just matter of fact talk about this great opportunity. The first year my son was in college, he spent almost every break with us and/or his dear gramma. As the years went by, it got easier to let go.</p>
<p>OP explain to her why this college is better fit for your son.</p>
<p>Grandma is having an emotional response. I don’t believing reasoning works well in those cases.
What may work is to establish a way for her to continue to communicate to him. Weekly phone calls or Skype, and encouraging her to write letters if she is interested.</p>
<p>I think going to parents weekend is a great idea. My mother went with me to see oldest at school, and she was tickled to death!</p>