Gratitude...looking for some.

Parents Forum
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<p>I am sacrificing and paying for my daughter and son’s education because it gives me pleasure. I really enjoy living a bit vicariously. I don’t expect them to be grateful. I think each is a bit grateful, but as Missy points out, to be more grateful would trigger guilt.</p>

<p>They love me and share their lives with me. I have fun sharing when there is more fun to share.</p>

<p>Sacrifice means that I haven’t gone on a vacation that doesn’t revolve around driving them to college in five years. No home improvement projects either. And yes, I do have two jobs.</p>

<p>However, recently my car died. Oh no. Car payments on top of tuition? A big yuck. I did not want that.</p>

<p>I bought a used car on ebay. I kid you not. I now own a Saab convertible. Now I have something fun to share with them.</p>

<p>I am so happy with the people my kids are becoming and both are sharing that with me. Would they do that at different schools? Surely, but since each chose the exact school to bring about the kind of growth they wanted, they are really blossoming.</p>

<p>Both voluntarily came home for my birthday and brought me great gifts. Among others, an Einstein action figure and a bobble-head Shakespeare.</p>

<p>And each has a job on study to earn spending money although I didn’t require this.</p>

<p>In fact, my D has had the same with the Provost’s office for four years, and she is finding it of more benefit in her job hunting than her degree, which she will receive in May.</p>

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<p>I would not work an extra part time job on top of a full-time job–it’s just too much!</p>

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<p>I vote lunitari.</p>

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<p>I have told my kids for years that we love them, adore them even, and are very proud of all their accomplishments. I have also told them there is no way on God’s green earth we will pay for college. So, when they get to high school graduation, we feel magnanimus letting them know there is $XXXXX to put toward their educations. They are shocked and grateful. They know we are not going to pick up the whole tab and have known it since they were young kids. Seems to work for the fencing family.</p>

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<p>We told DS that he will have to do this. Since I/we are now doing this for his grandparents. (I’ve hedge my bets, We already purchased Longterm Care Insurance, but he may have to take over the premiums :slight_smile: Nice of me I’m giving him a choice :slight_smile: )</p>

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<p>Our daughters have been working for our family business since it was legal to do so. You might think that was about 14, but no it was 11. They probably have a better undertanding of how difficult it is to make your own income as opposed to getting a paycheck. Now that they are older and have also worked for other companies, their supervisors are very happy with their job performances and they truly stand out in comparison to their peers.
At the same time, my husband had the tendancy to spoil them…bought them Iphones, a car and a few other luxuries. Some people thought it was too generous, but I think they learned some valuable lessons in terms of work ethics that will benefit them in their adult lives.</p>

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<p>I don’t expect gratitude from my kids. I expect them to work hard at whatever they put their hand to; be honest, decent citizens; volunteer for causes they care about; be respectful of their elders; make decisions which are informed by their values. If I had expected gratitude while they were in college I would have been in for a rude awakening. </p>

<p>I got gratitude aplenty once they finished and landed in the working world and realized how expensive health insurance is, how much of a bite taxes take from a paycheck, how hard it is to work your way up the ladder to get three weeks vacation, even how much it costs to get your teeth cleaned when you don’t have dental insurance. During college? not so much.</p>

<p>If we’re lucky, our kids will pay it forward to the next generation. If my kids are grateful for the many sacrifices we made as they were growing up then that’s great and a bonus, but I care more about them being grateful to be luckier than 99% of the population just because of their accident of birth. (clean water, food, access to medical care, parents who aren’t drug addicts).</p>

<p>I think you are setting your son up for a bad situation if you go into “making his dreams come true” with resentment. Paying for college is a hard thing involving the entire family-- siblings, parents, the college student. If anyone feels like gratitude is their due for the sacrifices they’re making then don’t do it-- 'cause nobody is going to be grateful every day. Your son may have a bad semester; a bad year; a bad day. You will never hear about the struggles or the sadness if he’s carrying the burden of being grateful 24/7.</p>

<p>Better to go to the cheaper option IMHO. He’ll either love it or he won’t, but at least he won’t feel burdened by your sacrifices.</p>

<p>If you can throw yourself into the venture of paying for his dream school in the same spirit that you gave up wine or coffee or feta cheese or whatever when you were pregnant, i.e this is a temporary sacrifice for the greater good, then go for it. But nobody expects their baby to thank them for having had a healthy pregnancy or getting prenatal care or not smoking crack while 6 months pregnant-- did you ever thank your mom for getting regular checkups??? Your son will be fine at one of his less expensive choices, and you will all be fine as a family having made a cost-effective decision.</p>

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<p>So what is he doing or saying that is giving you the impression he is ungrateful?</p>

<p>I ask this as a mother of 3 sons who are very different than their 2 sisters especially when it comes to expressing their feelings. And especially if they are ALREADY feeling guilty.</p>

<p>My 2 daughters would talk and talk and discuss and talk until there isn’t anything left to say. My boys on the other hand, more stoic and less chatty.</p>

<p>Don’t get me wrong, they can be communicative especially if the others are not around but as far as guilt, resentment and appearing ungrateful they had a hard time. But upon questioning especially with specific questions not general ones it would elicit a much better response.</p>

<p>As a single mom it would be easy to slip into the martyr role, (heck I might even like it!!!) but I didn’t see myself or them in those roles. Rather we are a team. Have always been. Our priorities were different than those posted above.</p>

<p>our #1- is family preservation at all costs, in the all-for-one and one-for-all spirit.</p>

<p>So if son’s “dream” was going to jeopardize or hurt the family in any way then HE would be making decisions in order to avert that. As the official keeper of their dreams my job was/is to suggest, guide, coach, listen to all things pertaining to their various “dreams”. Sometimes they have to be reminded that certain courses of action might derail those dreams and sometimes another path needs to be pointed out to help achieve those dreams.</p>

<p>For mine there was no “dream” school, rather dreams and goals of who they wanted to be and the strength of character they wished to develop. Family, as a whole, discussed at length older son’s decision to transfer from an LAC to a service academy. Middle son saw during his application to the academies his brother’s feelings of anguish when he was going to turn down his appointment. He knew his brother well enough to encourage him to apply and went to his sisters to also encourage him. I was the last holdout since he knew how stressed I was about he himself going and then for his older brother to go instead would hurt as much.</p>

<p>So the issue was again, would we as a family be willing to support him even if the worst was realized and the number one rule could be broken- preserving the family. Son’s need to contribute made us (me) realize this WOULD be preserving our family. (middle son pointed that out)</p>

<p>Not alot of words were said rather actions made all the difference. I again think this is true for my sons more so than my girls. </p>

<p>We all always want what is best for our children, however what is always best is not always what they want. I can’t presume to suggest to you what you should sacrifice or better yet what you shouldn’t sacrifice that is up to you. But your son should be given the opportunity when told specifically what life will be like for you and what it means to your DREAMS to respond. </p>

<p>He is your child but he is well on his way to being a man. I know I treat my sons as such.</p>

<p>As usual I am in agreement with Northstarmom, her journey with her sons has provided my family with a well-traveled road map. </p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

<p>Kat</p>

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<p>As usual, NSM says it far better than I could.</p>

<p>I try to remember that parenting is not just what I do for my child, it’s the example I set for my child. To us, a big part of being a family is supporting each others dreams but not at each others expense. Sometimes we have to adjust our dreams so that everyone can thrive.</p>