<p>My D is leaving today for college. She is down about her best friend ditching her for the last week for her bf and feels like she has no "real" friends. How can I handle this....college is a place and time when you reinvent yourself.....she has been shy and awkward in H.S. with no dating, very intellectual....just not interested. SO--how can i get her to make more connections in college, take more risks, talk to more people.......she is somewhat shy. Basically time to grow up. Any advice appreciated, (she is going away to school 7 hrs away from home and now thinks that was not a good choice)</p>
<p>You can't do it for her.It''s very typical for students to have second thoughts about college choices and to be concerned about losing h.s friends. You can help by listening to her without giving undue weight to her concerns. One can listen and care without acting as if her fears are reality.</p>
<p>Encourage her to join one or two clubs in college -- clubs that interest her. That's how most college students make their friends. Fall of freshmen year is the best time to do this because the clubs have the welcome mat out, and there will be many other new people in the clubs.</p>
<p>Send her goodies, and suggest that she offer some to her roommates and others on her floor. That's also a nice way of meeting people.</p>
<p>Read the suggestions about making friends that one can find in the college issues board here. Share those suggestions with her.</p>
<p>Remind her that almost half of the U.S. population describes themselves as being "shy," and in general, people like shy people better than very gregarious ones. Shy people are viewed by others as have friend-attracting traits such as : kindness, being good listeners, being thoughful and caring. Encourage her, too, to let others know that she's shy so they don't mistake her shyness for a dislike of them.</p>
<p>She's likely to find a better peer group in college. Agree with NSM above.</p>
<p>I think that she'll make tons of new friends in college. In the beginning of college, everyone is looking to make lots of friends, so unless she stays in her room during the first two weeks of school, she'll meet tons of people. She's bound to hit it off with some of them. College is a great time for someone who is quiet to meet lots of people.</p>
<p>I like NSM's suggestion of offering something to share. If she has a plate of brownies, she's going to have lots of students group around her, talking, meeting, and having a good time. Another suggestion is for her to get lots of gum and frequently offer it to people. "Anyone want some gum?" attracts lots of girls very quickly.</p>
<p>I think she'll do fine, though. Try to get her spirits up until she goes so that she's happy on move-in day, and she should be able to handle the rest.</p>
<p>I am not a big fan of the idea of reinventing of oneself ... I say that as someone who went to college as a very shy introverted person. College is time a tremendous personal growth; and I think that is especially true for most shy-introverted people. However, I think that is an evolution that occurs over time and to me the term "reinventing oneself" implies a point in time metamorphasis ... which I do not think is likely to happen (at least in a positive direction).</p>
<p>A couple tricks I learned at college that helped me make friends. </p>
<p>1) When the loud packs went off seeking frat parties (I didn't drink either) I would look around and see who was still in their room ... many of these kids were the kdis interesting more quiet and smaller group activities like going to a movie, playing cards, or just hanging out.</p>
<p>2) Set baby step goals socially ... don't expect to instantly be the life of the party ... set a goal of walking up to one person you don't know and introduce yourself ... and for me, a shy guy, introducing myself to a girl I found attractive. Once that was easy enough ... on to a slightly more ambitious goal.</p>
<p>For me the difference from the beginning of my freshman year to the end of my sophomore year was tremendous ... in both my social skills and my confidence ... however it was a journey taken one baby step at a time.</p>
<p>I think of the term "reinventing oneself" to mean more that with a new peer group, one can be oneself and it may be perceived differently by people with whom one has no history or baggage. A person may change a lot over time, but those changes may not be noticed by those who have been there all along. College is a great time and place to see and be seen with fresh eyes.</p>
<p>You might also gently remind your d that there's an entire class in the same position as she is (assuming sh'es not going to a public college) - knowing no one or very few people. They're all looking to make friends. She's not trying to "break into" an established circle. They're all unsure of where they're supposed to go, what they're supposed to do, and whether they'll be able to handle it all. Remembering this may make it easier for your d to face the situation, knowing that most of them are as scared as she is!</p>
<p>REALLY encourage her to just talk to people. I know it is very hard for a shy person(I was one) but if she can just get over the hump, it gets so much easier. Just asking directions or questions in the bookstore is an easy way to get started. </p>
<p>Also remind her that the first person she meets (or even the second third or fourth) might not be her new best friend so don't get discouraged if it doesn't click right away...just keep on trying hard to be friendly. My best friend in college turned out to be my chemistry lab partner. We met freshman year and roomed together after that.
Has she been in touch with her roommate at all? How has that gone?</p>
<p>Thanks for all these great suggestions. By "reinventing" oneself, I didn't mean become something you are not.....I just mean you shed those labels H.S. kids love to attach to people that are hard to shake like nerd, math geek, etc. I have always said those were badges of honor and that she was the one that would end up having choices for college..... She will find more like her in college I hope.</p>
<p>She is very confident in herself....with time she will find her way.</p>
<p>I agree Atlmom.</p>
<p>My son will still be geeky, but he's going to a place where that's a GOOD thing.</p>
<p>I hope your daughter can keep up with her high school friends as well.</p>
<p>This summer, my daughter was almost completely cut off from her high school friends by conflicting work schedules. She worked mostly evenings and weekends in a retail store, while most of them had 9-to-5 weekday jobs in labs or offices. </p>
<p>I think she saw her one of her closest friends in person all of twice, and the other one three times.</p>
<p>But this may not be entirely a bad thing. They're still friends, but the relationships changed so that they consisted primarily of communicating online, by e-mail and IM -- something that can continue in college.</p>
<p>Right now is an easy time for about-to-go-to-college kids to communicate online. They have lots of things to talk about and compare. Perhaps in this way, your daughter can maintain some high school friendships even as she meets new people at college.</p>
<p>My D is like yours. I've given her this technique: Try to remember details about the people you meet. When you see them again, ask a question about something that indicates you remembered them.</p>
<p>{Wow, that is so much harder to describe in writing}</p>
<p>For instance, "Were you able to get your math class switched?"</p>
<p>It is interesting to me that so many Americans consider themselves shy. "Shy" is a relative term, I guess.</p>
<p>Different people need different amounts of social time. I need very little, so the barrage of people and invitations to go out was incredibly overwhelming for me when I started college. I wanted to curl up with a book or daydream, but I felt like I "needed" to go out and chat in order to make friends. Finally, I just stopped making such an effort all the time, and allowed myself to stay in on a Friday night-- sometimes. (My roommate always went out, so I had the room to myself.) This strategy may have slowed down the friend-making process somewhat, but allowed me to recharge my batteries so I could face the next social event. People DID think that I was a little strange, but they got over it. Nowadays, at 26, I've turned my reclusive habits into a joke among friends; I'll talk about how I'm going home to "pull an Emily Dickinson" or "work on my secret experiements." Your D may be like me, or she may crave more social contact, but not know how to get it. In either case, let her know that she needs to take care of HERSELF and her own mental and emotional needs during those first few precarious months at college.</p>
<p>Irene makes a good point. It's important for students to realize that it's OK not to want to party. Also, when it comes to joining clubs and participating in ECs, there are some ECs that are great matches for people who are shy.</p>
<p>The idea is to find one or two ECs that match one's personality and interests, not to force oneself to do things like party just because it seems that so many people assume that should be a big part of college life.</p>
<p>If one is musical, one might be very happy in a music group like an orchestra, chorus, etc. If one likes to read, one might enjoy working for the literary magazine. When students follow their interest with ECs, they'll also meet like minded peers, some of whom probably will become lifelong friends.</p>
<p>I think for many kids the hardest part of the transition from home to dorm life is the lack of private space and time, and the need to be "social" all the time.</p>
<p>The other thing I've noticed, that I wish someone had told me when I was 18, is that plenty of people have adjustment problems that are not apparent to their hallmates or friends. Talking to people now, 8 years after we started college, lots are willing to admit that they had a tough time that semester in one way or another. One guy from my dorm that I talked to recently told me that he had to drop a class because his workload was too much for him. Apparently this devastated him and shattered his confidence. I spent a good deal of time in the hallway with him that semester, and I remember him mentioning that he was dropping a class, but he made it sound so casual that I didn't think it was a big deal. </p>
<p>This type of thing is probably extremely common, but many students feel like they need to pretend that everything is going fine. I often wondered "why am I the only one having a hard time?" but now I realize I wasn't the only one at all. I do think there are people for whom the transition is relatively easy, but if the OP's D isn't one of them, she should be reminded that she is not the only one struggling.</p>
<p>HS is a really strange place, and kids who are shy may very well blossom in college where interesting comments, insight, etc are seen as a good think, not sneered at in some classrooms by other students</p>
<p>there was a poster on this site who said at his HS if you said Hi to someone not in your circle you got the "look" and was concerned about college</p>
<p>well, in college, cliques have no power and so people aren't on "guard" any more for fear of getting the "look" or whatever</p>
<p>I am sure your D will be fine and find her place, if she is working, has some good friends in HS, she will for sure find them in college, sounds like she is socially very capable, just not the "in your face" kind of way</p>
<p>and as others have said, most everyone else is in the same place- new, worried, but excited</p>
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I think for many kids the hardest part of the transition from home to dorm life is the lack of private space and time, and the need to be "social" all the time.
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<p>This is why my daughter, who is a classic introvert, paid extra for a single room in the dorm. </p>
<p>She doesn't even like sleepover parties, really, because they require you to interact with your friends for too many consecutive hours. For her, dinner and a movie is plenty of social interaction for the day (maybe for the week). She would lose her mind trying to live in a double. That's like a semester-long sleepover.</p>
<p>I am of the same temperament, and when I was a student, I couldn't afford a single. I learned to hide (with either textbooks or personal reading) in various lounges, study rooms, and obscure departmental libraries. I also learned to switch to a new location when people started to recognize me and make conversation with me. </p>
<p>Some people just have to have space.</p>
<p>If she doesn't already have a facebook encourage her to create one. She will be able to join groups associated with her new college and have a way to keep in touch with old friends. Facebook is a great networking tool and will help her to find friends with common interests and connect to see what activities are going on at her new college. Encourage her to post up some pictures with her high school friends so that they can comment on them. It will help her to remain in contact with her old friends.</p>
<p>Seems kind of sad to need to learn to "hide" from people, did you ever want to not need to do that?</p>