<p>So I overheard my 10th grade son boasting to a friend about just how stoned he and some buddies were this past weekend. I confronted him shortly thereafter and told him what I heard. I have good reason to believe this started this fall for him and coincided with the start of high school. It was news to me and threw me for a loop. He said he'd stop. Hmmm. </p>
<p>His grades are good, he's an (out of season) athlete, and generally well mannered and well behaved. He's also a social kid. I'm interested in people's perspective on this. Short of keeping him chained at home (which we are not inclined to do) what is appropriate/reasonable/wise to ask/expect/demand of him, given that parties with drinking and apparently pot smoking seem to be integral to his high school's social scene. Any good ideas for re-establishing trust and reintroducing freedoms for him? He's grounded now. </p>
<p>“given that parties with drinking and apparently pot smoking seem to be integral to his high school’s social scene.”</p>
<p>I would give serious thought to changing high schools. I would be very up front with him why.</p>
<p>I would also educate him on the dramatic and sudden turn he could encounter if he is caught on-campus or at a school sanctioned event with pot. I know a few kids that have gotten really slammed - especially if anything of value changes hands. You need to know if your son is in a “zero tolerance” zone.</p>
<p>I am so grateful that my S, now a freshman in college, early on chose a personal philosophy of moderation. Not abstinence, but moderation. Does your S have the type of personality where he generally exhibits good judgment and moderation? Or does he tend to go for it and be a big risk taker? IMO, the approach to be taken really depends on the kid and his/her maturity level.</p>
<p>Not all kids go to party’s where they drink and smoke. Really. But, if that is where his social circle is, then this may be difficult. But it is his choice at the party to drink or smoke. He could say no, tough to do but possible.</p>
<p>I would suggest making sure his time is occupied with other things. The athletic thing for the school will kick in. A strong school will have a zero tolerance policy. </p>
<p>It is tough to “find new friends”…but new opportunities may bring additional friends with other interests (not smoking). Club sports team or a JOB may fill some time! Though that is a tough call today!</p>
<p>And I would END the supply of CASH he may have or you may be giving him. No one gives marijuana or alcohol away for free for ever. My sister does not seem to get the connection between her son’s use of weed and her extremely generous “allowance”.</p>
<p>The biggest consequences are the social ones if caught, and he needs to understand those well. </p>
<p>Marijuana use can exacerbate underlying mental health problems, but there is no evidence that it can cause any. It can make reaction times slow, so driving and operating heavy equipment under the influence is a bad idea. No one ever dies from marijuana overdoses, though there are plenty of hospitalizations among people who freak out. There is some limited evidence that it can lower sperm counts (at least temporarily). Among high school and college students, marijuana and alcohol use tend to go together (it is a myth that kids who use one tend not to use the other). </p>
<p>Parents are the biggest influence on their kids’ alcohol and drug use. Second is peer group. It’s probably the peer group that you need to be concerned about. And alcohol use. - early alcohol use is a strong predictor of alcohol problems down the road (especially if there is any genetic propensity).</p>
<p>*Are there schools were none of the kids drink and/or smoke pot? *</p>
<p>A school where none of the students drink or smoke pot, is unlikely, however you can find schools where the students who do those things regularly, are a much smaller subgroup than the main body of students.</p>
<p>Be an ever present parent. Get to know the other kids’ parents and enlist their eyes and ears. Be explicit about your expectations. Hold him on a short leash and gradually let go as he proves himself to be responsible. Don’t be afraid to shorten it again if he messes up.</p>
<p>We went through this with our S when he was in 10th grade. When he was a college freshman, he came home for the holidays and he told me it was a little hard for him to come home because “it reminded him of all of the stupid things he did.” </p>
<p>“what is appropriate/reasonable/wise to ask/expect/demand of him”</p>
<p>If you don’t want him smoking pot, for whatever reason, it is perfectly appropriate and reasonable to tell him that you ask/expect/demand that he will not do it, and tell him why. Wisdom, though, is wholly subjective. I think it is unwise to smoke pot due to the potential legal consequences, and I expect that high schoolers need instruction on what’s wise and unwise. So although I’m not a parent, when I get questions from high schoolers, this is what I tell them. </p>
<p>If you’ve got a kid with a social conscience, it might also be worth talking about people being murdered in Mexico, etc., and whether he wants his money going to smugglers and so on. If you live in a grow-your-own type of town, this doesn’t apply.</p>
<p>milan87 gives good advice. We have friends that did just that. It might work, might not.</p>
<p>Friends kid became heavily involved with both pot and booze. Eventually was sent to a treatment facility for a summer. Treatment facility recommended a change in schools, he was sent to a local Mennonite high school.</p>
<p>Their experience and ours is that the high school athletes (at our local HS) are the worst offenders of drugs and alcohol.</p>
<p>I do not think you can afford to adopt a wait-and-see attitude about high-school pot smoking. I know that many will disagree but I would keep my kid on a very short leash, cut the money, and be a tremendous pain in the rear even to the point of alienating him from his current friends. If absolutely necessary I would report my own kid to the police to save him from himself. Don’t be a “cool” parent now.</p>
<p>“I would give serious thought to changing high schools.”</p>
<p>LOL. Sorry, I am not trying to be rude, but this is just naive. At one of the best schools in the state, with highly involved parents, caring teachers and administration, and a no-tolerance policy, alcohol and drug use is rampant.</p>
<p>OP: 10th grade is the worst year, bar none. It gets better but it takes work. The kids will still screw up even as you are vigilant but persistence is the key. “Your brain is still developing, you cannot do this, we love you and we are not going to stand by while you hurt yourself.” Are you ready to model sobriety at home? That’s a big one…</p>
<p>Talk to him. Keep it low key. You’ll accomplish nothing by getting hysterical or making threats. If he’s skeptical about you’re concerns, that’s o.k. It shows he has the capacity to make up his own mind and not just follow the crowd. That’s exactly the attitude you want to channel in a positive direction. It’s <em>his</em> backbone you want to exercise, not yours.</p>
<p>I agree that it’s naive to think that the best school in the state would necessarily have fewer drug problems. I don’t agree that it’s naive to think that high schools differ on this measure, and some are a lot worse than others.</p>
<p>I was never a s smoker, but I was a big underage drinker, and a big drinker in my 20’s and looking back now, I just wish someone had asked me “Why?”…why, at the age of 16 are you interested in getting stoned or drunk, what are you are getting out of it, what are you escaping? I would say, when I was 16 my parents were probably afraid to ask–as they they were divorced and alot of my issues were pure reaction to that situation. But as an adult, I look back and see that I was truly stressed, and I wish someone had shown me how to handle stress better back then. I didn’t figure it out, for me, til I was 25 and discovered yoga.</p>
<p>This is wishful thinking. Back in the 70s some parents in my town thought that by sending their kids away to school would get them out of the “nasty” public school. Hah, those kids had more money and access to drugs than at the “nasty” public school. I doubt much has changed. Hanna has some good advice how to approach. The degree and how you set consequences will be individual I’m sure. </p>
<p>Tenth grade was the toughest year I went through with all three boys in terms of their experimentation with boundaries, etc. They are driving. They are almost fully grown…and the hormones are raging. So happy to have no more soon to be 10th graders. In this I agree with snowdog. I don’t know if it’s necessary to model sobriety to keep kids from alcohol. Alcohol is legal for adults. It’s probably not the time in your kids’ life to install a kegerator in your family room or keep a fully stocked liquor cabinet unmoderated. I do think if you’re going to preach that pot is illegal as a parent you better not have any around or allow it in your house by anyone else.</p>
<p>One the one hand, I understand the dilemma; on the other hand, it is really quite simple. As the parent, it is your house and your money, so you decide what you will or will not accept.</p>
<p>If you don’t want him drinking/doing drugs, then set the boundaries and let him know what you will tolerate. Don’t say what you won’t tolerate, and then get upset each time he continues to do it. </p>
<p>If you suspect he is still doing it, then institute random drug testing. What are the consequences for him doing it? No money, no car privileges, etc? Grounding really isn’t accomplishing anything, if at the end,he has full priveliges.</p>
<p>I know this is hard. I went through a situation with my S regarding continuous telling of lies about whereabouts, etc. At one point, we pretty much had to take away everything of value, and start from scratch with re-establishing trust. </p>
<p>Hang in there. It will get worse before it gets better, but the main thing is being clear about your expectations, being consistent with consequences and staying the course.</p>
<p>Of course, alcohol is legal for adults. Legality is one leg of the stool. There are other legs, such as, why do people want to smoke/drink; and, is it a good idea at 21 but not at 20, or 18, or 17 (or 15, obviously). There are a lot of issues around this in my extended family so I’ve given a lot of thought to it; certainly modeling sobriety is not something most adults want to deal with, and I do understand that.</p>