<p>Read this:</p>
<p>Anti-Rock Admissions</p>
<h2>Mineral-Americans Feel Discrimination </h2>
<p>Gabe Liedman </p>
<p>You may think that Columbia's admissions staff allows applicants from all walks of life to receive fair and equal consideration. You'd be wrong. In order to apply for admission to either Columbia College or the Fu Foundation School of Engineering and Applied Science, one must answer over four pages of questions.
But what if an applicant cannot think, read, or write?</p>
<p>Interviews, though not explicitly required, are also a major part of Columbia's admissions process.</p>
<p>But what if an applicant cannot speak?</p>
<p>If you are thinking what I am thinking, then you are correct: it is impossible for a rock of any kind to gain admittance to Columbia University in the City of New York.</p>
<p>How can such discrimination against inert, sediment-based applicants go on in this modern, politically-correct institution? To get to the heart of this matter, I went straight to Columbia University's Undergraduate Admissions Office to interview a receptionist. The receptionist requested to remain anonymous, so in order to protect her innocence, I will henceforth refer to her as O.J. Simpson.</p>
<p>My inquisition went something like this:</p>
<p>Fed: Is it possible to gain admittance to Columbia College or SEAS without submitting a written application or sitting for an interview?</p>
<p>O.J: I would think that that would not be possible.</p>
<p>Fed: So mute, inanimate aspirants have no place in Columbia's applicant pool?</p>
<p>O.J.: (Laughing) No, I don't think.</p>
<p>Fed: Well, what about the paralyzed, mute son of an alumnus? Would he be automatically out of the running?</p>
<p>O.J.: Oh, well-</p>
<p>Fed: Or a rock, for instance?</p>
<p>O.J.: A rock?</p>
<p>Fed: Yeah, a really well-rounded one? One that's spent a lot of time in the tumbler? Get it? Do you get it? Ha, ha.</p>
<p>O.J.: I-</p>
<p>Fed: Do you get it?</p>
<p>O.J.: Oh, I think you'll have to ask Mr. Furda about that one. Is there anything else you need?</p>
<p>Fed: But you get it, right?</p>
<p>Conveniently, Mr. Furda did not answer his phone the next day at 4a.m. when I placed my call to his office; so, in an act of rage and passion, I chucked a rock through his window to show him exactly whom his policies were hurting. </p>
<p>Because of Columbia's anti-rock admissions policies, stones everywhere must cut their educations short of glory.</p>
<p>When asked about their feelings on the matter, most stones in the area were too dejected to respond . . . except for the really big stone in Riverside Park (right off Columbia's campus) who was at least able to laugh it off. </p>