<p>Anybody else feel kind of sick about your kids dilemma (or your dilemma) of choosing one great school or one great teacher over another? So many people on this site have so many great choices. Who else feels like there have been so many generous, kind, helpful people who are eagerly and generously pursuing your child (you) for attendance at their school, only to know that your child is (youre) going to have to turn them down? That icky feeling has caught me off guard. I thought Id have nothing but relief over my sons good fortune. Not so fast.</p>
<p>They call and write and call and write. And I KNOW its just business but after theyve been so generous, it feels like my son will be closing doors, and even burning bridges, by turning down some very generous offers from some very good people who have believed in him and put their money and time behind their beliefs.</p>
<p>Some of these teachers and staff introduce my son to others with phrases like: And hell be joining us here next year! or And hell be in my studio next year. The fact is he hasnt decided yet. It seems that these well-meaning people have assumed that because they gave him their highest scholarships, hell be attending. But he has several very good offers. The whole thing hurts. We are so grateful! But he cant possibly reciprocate with all of them.</p>
<p>I am thinking that musicians probably endure this kind of dynamic throughout their careers. After others have helped you get where you are, well thats just business? And everybody understands?</p>
<p>And for those of you who have felt torn about your predicament, as we do, how have you framed your predicament in order to let those bad feelings go? We want this to be a time of celebration and excitement, not worry and fret! I guess either way, it will be over by May 1.</p>
<p>I’d take the comments from teachers and other school personnel as not assuming that your S will attend, but wanting you to know that they’re excited about the prospect of working with him and want him to feel welcome. Unless they’re brand new in the position, they all understand that the best students have applied to many programs and are likely sifting through acceptances. You’ll feel better if you come up with gracious communications to these folks when it’s time to turn some of them down. I can’t imagine that, unless you’ve made some sort of promises, they will view a decline of an offer as the burning of a bridge.</p>
<p>I’ve posted before that it also caught me and my D off-guard that the choosing among acceptances part of this experience was stressful. I thought it would be like deciding between desserts on the dessert tray: all wonderful choices, but which will sit the best in the stomach. It’s really complicated and much more nuanced than just looking at financial aid packages.</p>
<p>Hang in there and try to step back and feel good about the fact that you have such great choices to evaluate. It’s better than the alternative!</p>
<p>I do feel somewhat fortunate that my son made his decision early on while holding back to see the offers just in case there was one he really couldn’t turn down (I think he would have seriously considered a mostly full ride anywhere) but his heart was always with the Tuba-Euph group at Crane. </p>
<p>I stuck with my son through the entire process, took him where he needed to go, interacted as I felt necessary with him and the schools, all very fulfilling and I think it brought us closer together (not easy with teenagers as we all know). I really do think that as parents we can temper the stress through our love and support.</p>
<p>My DD is up next, flute/piccolo (bought her a big girl flute yesterday, btw, almost a semesters COA it seems :-)) anyway I look forward to the experience with her as well. She’s a 10th grader and she’ll be harder as she plays a symphony instrument so she’ll have more choices. I am willing to bet, dollars to donuts that she’ll end up alonside her brother at Crane (they will miss each other terribly over the next two years) but we’ll see.</p>
<p>I will of course have you fine folks as this process will not end for me for another two years at least.</p>
<p>Sagiter, maybe I’ll “see” you in two years! My sophomore son, a string player, will be looking as well. But he may stick to science or math.</p>
<p>Yes, schleen, I have also been caught off guard by the stress involved in choosing. I like the dessert tray analogy. I thought the stressful part was over after we heard back from all the colleges! Not so.</p>
<p>I keep thinking of this one professor my son and I visited with last fall…</p>
<p>He really liked my son. Went on and on. At the end of the visit he said, “I’m so excited to have met you. I would love to teach you. I remember a student like you who visited me many years ago. He led us to believe, for months, that he was as interested in studying here, with me, as we were in having him. There were no signs to the contrary. And then, as May 1 approached, he declined. I was so surprised and disappointed! I hope you won’t be that student.” Ugh.</p>
<p>Well, my son wrote that particular guy long ago and told him he was withdrawing his application to that school, and he explained the reason – something to do with their language program. That was the reason he decided not to apply, but the whole reason he WROTE to withdraw was because he did not want to be that student that the teacher feels disappointed by to this day!</p>
<p>And now here we are. I wonder if some teachers and colleges may end up seeing my son that same way. If they do, so be it, I suppose. He hasn’t misled anybody. He has not been feigning interest. He applied to seven schools with the hopes of being able to get into and afford one. And he got his wish. So it’s silly to be nagged by these silly human details. And yet, I’m bothered by them.</p>
<p>This one professor gave us some insight into how he felt when a student turned him down. It was years ago – and he still talks about the kid with prospective students? Somehow, it colored my vision.</p>
<p>April can be a stressful month. If you have gotten this far and get to choose among two or more programs that you would be pleased to attend, congratulations. That was the purpose of this entire process from your point of view. Remember that you are the consumer and the schools are now competing for your business.</p>
<p>The speech that SimpleLife and son got from that one teacher sounds a little too glib to me. Someone who has been teaching that long should know very well how things work. Telling a student that you would like to have them in your studio is perfectly fine. Being disappointed with the actions of someone else is fine, providing that it stops there. Trying to use that experience to lay a guilt trip on another student so that they feel bad about going anywhere else is not fine. I would wonder whether a teacher who feels the need to be that manipulative would be a good choice in any event.</p>
<p>Whether or not the bulk of the cash comes from you or the school, you are making a decision involving lots of money and a large portion of time. You need to think a whole lot more about the student’s future than about the feelings of those who are not chosen to teach that student. It is polite to write a short note of thanks to the teacher(s) at the schools you are declining. Beyond that, well they are musicians too and should realize that the audition game works both ways. You don’t have a gig until both parties agree to the terms. If they consider a polite refusal to be the burning of a bridge, then I suggest that is one bridge that you can probably do without.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, you need to make the schools’ enthusiasm work in your favor. Now is the time to push them about studio placement if it has not yet been made. Now is the time to inquire about getting more financial aid if a competing school has offered a better deal. Don’t be shy now - the colleges have held the upper hand until now, making you fill out reams of paperwork, practice audition material for months on end, write essays, send them money and so forth. For a few short weeks, you are in the driver’s seat. Take every reasonable advantage you can of that opportunity.</p>
<p>SimpleLife…my best hunch is that this was part of his recruiting spiel. They must find and recruit the best possible students…it is one of the requirements for those on tenure-track appointments. Faculty members know that there is no way of knowing the variables in the decision making process. The wisest, most professional teachers are interested in each student, what they need, where they can get it…and no one teacher is right for everyone. As parents, we are enraptured with the experience with our young musicians. Teachers do not need any one student’s commitment that much and they must keep their professional perspective. No young musician should burn any bridges…who knows what will happen next…teachers leave schools, die, are dismissed, or the fit is not what was expected…a transfer or graduate school may be in the future. It will be easier to let go of the sense of this as an emotional acceptance or rejection…it is his education, not a marriage (and you thought this was hard…just wait!) Good luck to you and your son.</p>
<p>Thanks, BassDad and lorelei2702, for those grounding words. I needed that.</p>
<p>As you said, lorelei, they and my son are not getting hitched! And as you pointed out, BassDad, my son did do his share of working and waiting and jumping through hoops.</p>
<p>I’m going to focus on this – they and my son are considering a business arrangement. Period. Son did his part. They’re doing their part. Son will definitely write a short note of thanks to all – whether declining or accepting. No cause for anxiety…</p>
<p>SimpleLife - I just want to say I remember having those same kinds of feelings when my kids went through their application process. I’m not very good at playing games. I hate rejection and rejecting. (I could never be in sales.) I also felt like people went out of their way to help us, and that the offers my kids got meant someone else didn’t get them - and then we were slighting them. It wasn’t necessarily logical, but I still hated the process. I even wrote thank-you notes to a couple teachers myself, after my S had declined their offers (with his own thank-yous).</p>
<p>I got several nice emails back, and felt like no bridge were burned there. Others didn’t respond, and I realized they just moved on. I suspect it was really more traumatic for me than for them!</p>
<p>Hi papengena! How are you and yours? I see that your son has earned his way into all three of his schools. Way to go! And how was his Cleveland thing? Did you get to hear him? And your other kids are doing well? Thanks for the kind words about my son. Honestly, we are kind of stunned by his good fortune - and very grateful!</p>
<p>Thanks, binx, for relating your story. You described my feelings exactly! Everything in that paragraph of yours could be said about me. I know my feelings about the whole thing are not logical, and yet they linger. And, strangely, I was also thinking of writing my own short thank-yous to some of the special people who showed special interest in my son! After he sends his, of course. Funny! It’s nice to hear that I’m not the only one feeling like a nut over this process!</p>
<p>And I’m glad to hear that once it was all over and your son made his choices, the bad feelings were all over for you. No burned bridges. Chances are, I’ll feel the same way.</p>
<p>One more story: My S ran into one of the teachers who had lobbied hard for him - who had called him several times, called his teacher, went to bat to get him more money, etc. The school was S’s #2 choice, and he felt bad saying no thanks. He ran into the teacher at a horn conference, and the teacher said to several others there, “This guy turned me down for a Presidential Award at Juilliard. No way could I compete with that!” It was clear then that the teacher fully understood and appreciated my S’s decision to go elsewhere. That happened the summer following the audition process, so it was nice closure.</p>
<p>As someone else mentioned, these teachers go through this every year, so they are somewhat used to the process. Since we generally only go through it a limited number of times, it seems much bigger to us.</p>
<p>As my D’s undergrad teacher pointed out (during the grad decision process) —a considerate NO frequently garners more respect than a YES. D got two very nice emails from the teachers she turned down last week, both of them expressing their understanding and hopes that they would work together in the future.</p>
<p>I just wished that we had not scheduled anything for April so we could go back and visit schools. We are going to one school for Easter weekend and another on the following Friday to fly back for prom on Saturday evening! The Spring musical is the following weekend, and here comes May1. My advice to next year’s parents…keep April open!</p>
<p>Thanks, Lorelei! I don’t know anything about the vocal world, but I know if I’d heard a kid in the violin realm come out of auditions with Simplelife’s S’s experience, I’d suggest that the kid run the other direction very fast! Without any further knowledge of the situation, I’d guess that this was a smaller or less well known music school that has trouble competing for the top talents. BassDad said it well, there’s no room for guilt trips in the Music Admissions process! Any fine teacher knows there are many factors in making the final school determination that can only be measured by the applicant and his/her family. </p>
<p>Don’t mean to imply anything negative, SimpleLife, obviously your S is talented and stood out from the crowd! Congratulations! I suspect you have good reason to be proud that so many want him. As others have said, thank everyone sincerely and move on - there will be enough things to worry about in the future without second guessing this spring’s decision.</p>
<p>Just wanted to add that I know violin students (my own included) who have “rejected” various schools/teachers, then proceeded to have very positive summer festival relationships with “rejected” teacher - or pursued an advanced degree with the teacher following undergrad.</p>
<p>Thanks, fiddlestix. The music community is a “small” one. Now that you mention it, it does seem likely that my son will someday run into some of these same teachers that have been so good to him. As in the case of your violin students, they’ll likely be very glad to see each other! I hadn’t thought of that.</p>
<p>It sounds like binx’s S and musicamusica’s D had opportunities for closure in this regard. My son will likely have an opportunity for the same. That would be nice.</p>
<p>It’s all gonna be good. I’m feeling a little less anxious already, just by reading that others have felt the same way, and by hearing that these teachers and staff are all big boys and girls who understand that there must be rejections along with acceptances – without feeling rejected, per se. That’s the part that I’ve been anxious about – letting people down after they’ve been so very generous with their time, energy, and money.</p>
<p>I hear you, Borntoplay! We could use a little more “free” time in April, too, to help my son make his final decision.</p>
<p>Well, thanks all, for your insight into my silly nervous-Nelly moments!</p>
<p>So we have gone from DD auditioning at Juilliard to actually seriously considering a City University of New York college because DD loves the teacher…She has many other wonderful choices but currently deciding between this and one other school…are we nuts!..Still taking it one step at a time :)</p>
<p>We know kids off to Queens College which has an excellent percusssion program, CCNY has an excellent Jazz Program, Brooklyn College an excellent theory and composition program. All offer remarkable values and the same city of many higher priced options.</p>