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<p>NO I am not a mental health professional. I am just a parent. If you read all of my posts here, you will see…I have stated again and again that I hope this young lady and her family find their way to a better place for everyone involved.</p>
<p>So sorry thumper1 I was mistaken. You are a very smart parent who tells things like they are. I appreciate the advice I see you make.</p>
<p>I did say that I don’t think this student will return to the current college. That may actually be a good thing. From what the mom has posted, this student isn’t happy, and is looking for something different, be it housing…a change of venue…a leave of absence. I will say, after reading the last post by the OP, I do hope the family seeks some in person help with this for all involved. This is not something that members of an online message board can reconcile.</p>
<p>I,too, think TRAUMA is something to explore here, fm.
PLEASE get her to a GOOD therapist to talk about what happened at the end of Freshman year ASAP.
Is she now anorexic? What you are telling me is red flags galore for that… but if so, you still need to get to the ROOT cause of all this.
Good luck with this. Hold firm BECASE you love her so much.</p>
<p>Fauxmaven: I think that you are right to be concerned about your D. Please do your best to get her to talk to a therapist. Her dietary changes sound like a sign of an eating disorder. It is very common for people to become vegetarians or vegans to cover up anorexia. I’m really sorry that you and your D are going through this. I hope that you can get her to seek help.</p>
<p>D is not anorexic . She has a nice figure , a size 6 ,5’ 6" . She is coming home soon,like 2 weeks . I am having surgery , and she will be around for me . She saw her old au pair last summer as well . She bought her own ticket to Sweden . This will be her third summer there . She met her BF last year in Sweden . When she is there ,she lives and works on a farm ,not with BF . She is interested in sustainable agriculture . This experience is through WOOFING ,where you join this group and find out about farms all over the world that provide room and board in exchange for working on the farm . She LOVES living on the farm . It sounds a bit like an Amish experience ,as everything is so low tech . There is no computer access on the farm.</p>
<p>I must say that it’s news to me that veganism is a sign of mental health problems requiring therapy. (Can’t wait to see what people say when the kid discovers the idea of raw food)</p>
<p>If she is interested in sustainable agriculture, Harvard would not even be on my think-about list for college. Cornell, U of Maine at Orono, UC Davis, heck even Iowa State, but not Harvard. No wonder she’s unhappy there.</p>
<p>I see red flags thwacking you in the face, OP. One of my kids was struggling (but was hiding that info) and was supposed to do a semester abroad the next term. We reluctantly pulled the plug on that. I was not happy about doing so at the time, but would not have been able to live with myself if he had a serious crisis overseas. He was home for a term, did some serious emotional work, and went back to school the next quarter, where the grades improved and he met his now-fiancee. He has grown up a lot.</p>
<p>Other S struggled last semester with a difficult breakup, and dropped two of his five classes so he could emerge without doing too much damage to his GPA. He was very proactive in letting us know what was happening and in arranging supports for himself at his school. (As scary as it was to hear him so depressed, the fact that he could still advocate for himself was a HUGE comfort.) After a lot of deliberation, his sense was that taking a term off would be counterproductive. It would also put him a year behind in his language sequence, which because of the requirements of his major, would delay graduation. That part didn’t worry me so much. He had activities, resources and people at his school that were helping him cope, and so he chose to return this semester. So far, so good.</p>
<p>IM(untrained)O, OP’s D seems to be exhibiting some shaky decisionmaking skills that go beyond the scope of some of the stupid things our kids do (and, we hope, learn from) as they adjust to independence and adulthood. If she were my kid and couldn’t cope with classes and life, I’d want her to spend some time with a counselor looking at some of these issues before I let her leave <em>early</em> for a summer program overseas. She’s already out for the semester. Take the time to get her grounded and on her feet so that she can act with purpose and intent towards <em>whatever</em> she chooses to do with her life.</p>
<p>Re post #69… I suggest you go back and reread post #66 again. This is a young woman who has spent the past 2 summers in Sweden with a particular program and now she wants to go back for a 3rd summer. Somewhere along the line she figured out that Harvard is not for her, at least now… and she likes Sweden. How in the world is that an indication of some sort of mental crisis? </p>
<p>To Fauxmaven: I know it is a tough time for you, I went through similar worries when my son quit school. But the kind of vitriol you are getting here is toxic to the soul. You know your daughter. It sounds like she knows what she wants to do. Listen to her before you listen to strangers on the internet.</p>
<p>One of my good friends (now 66), an “A” student at Harvard, took off after three years, and went to Kenya. Mostly just a lark. Came back, barely finished (he hated it), went back to Africa. Came back to U.S., and became an itinerant house painter, and all-around-house-fixer, living off the grid, as he refused to pay war taxes. Went back to Africa. Married, twice (both times to Kenyan women). He founded and until this year led an extraordinary peacemaking initiative in East Africa that has became world famous (and I think has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize). Still lives in western Kenya.</p>
<p>Life has interesting twists and turns, and our journeys are all different and one-of-a-kind. May your daughter’s journey be as rich as that of my friend.</p>
<p>I’m hearing that she dropped the entire semester because of one class…has had changes in behavior…mom and dad see changes that are concerning… If she’s unhappy at college, acknowledge it, and figure out the next steps.</p>
<p>If she wants to go back to Sweden for a third summer, fine – but the drifting and unhappiness would be something that, as a parent, I would want to see addressed before doing so. As I said above, if she is going to Sweden with mindfulness and intention, fine. If she’s going to escape some inner conflicts or demons, not so fine.</p>
<p>I never claimed to be a MH professional. Neither are most of the other posters on this thread. But having gone through undiagnosed depression and serious drifting as a result in college, I would have given body parts for parents or another caring adult who might have recognized what was going on and thrown a life preserver my direction. If the OP feels that something is amiss with her daughter, she should go with her gut. </p>
<p>I do not feel, however, that going vegan or living green indicates an eating disorder or mental illness. I don’t classify those as poor decisions.</p>
<p>fauxmaven, first, you need a (((hug))). Having a kid who’s unhappy is just the worst.</p>
<p>I’m simply going to answer your original question, without knowing how much is applicable to your situation. Take from it whatever is helpful, discard the rest. </p>
<p>My D was desperately unhappy during her freshman year. We realized too late that she just wasn’t ready to leave home yet; she was young and, in some ways, immature. She was sure that no one at her college liked her, she didn’t fit in, she pined for her friends back home and her boyfriend going to school across the country. She kept her grades up (a blessing!) but told us every single day how much she hated it and wanted to come home. </p>
<p>During spring semester, she hatched a plan: She would do her soph year at our local community college, and then transfer to a state public close to home. Since she would be walking away from a very good aid package, we insisted that she figure out the finances, which she did. We also gave her a list of things she needed to think through, especially the difficulty of breaking into established social groups as a junior. I had nightmares of her repeating the same social-isolation scenario at the second school.</p>
<p>Before she came home for the summer, she got a leave of absence rather than withdrawing, having at least the sense to not slam the door before she was sure she’d have someplace else to go. But when she came home she was 90% sure she wouldn’t return.</p>
<p>As the summer progressed, though, things started to change. She found that, while she still enjoyed her old friends, they just weren’t as close anymore. At the same time, she missed the people from college; it turns out that she had made some connections, and kept in touch via IM and even skype with several people. Early in the summer, she and the boyfriend broke up (don’t underestimate the powerful pull of a distant boyfriend; my D very nearly chucked her college education so that she could be with HIM). By mid-summer, she was saying that she would “probably” go back and on the day school started again, she was moaning that she wished she were there!</p>
<p>But the leave couldn’t be reversed for fall semester so she stayed home, working part-time, and taking a few classes at the community college. Early on, she applied for re-entry for spring semester. She saw a counsellor during that summer and fall, because I believed that she had been depressed; I also thought she would benefit from professional advice on dealing with her social issues. When she finally went back in January, the difference from freshman year was night and day. After a couple of days of nervousness, she plunged into the social scene and never looked back. She’s now a very happy junior there.</p>
<p>So, the semester off worked out beautifully for us, for several reasons. First and maybe most important, she just needed that extra time to grow up a little more. Also, it gave her time and space to think through the situation, to realize what she’d be losing if she left, to think about what she could have done differently to help herself. Another essential thing was that she used the time to address her emotional issues with a counsellor.</p>
<p>Long after this was all resolved, D said to me, “You and Dad were great when I was going through all of that.” I was shocked. We were bundles of misery and totally unsure how to handle it; hadn’t she seen that? I asked why, and she said simply, “I always knew you believed in me.” That was it. Somehow we hid our fears and doubts and managed to communicate confidence, and that’s what she clung to. Don’t get sucked into the vortex right along your D. Be her anchor, and believe in her.</p>
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But Fauxmaven had an earlier thread last fall, when the d. was already talking about quitting. So it looks like the d. has been unhappy all year… but made the decision to stick it out, and 3 weeks into the semester, for whatever reasons… just decided that wasn’t working for her any more. So it’s not a sudden thing… it’s something that has been festering for awhile.</p>
<p>I think you should encourage her to look at other colleges before she returns to Harvard. I have good friends (mom Radcliff, Dad Harvard) with money so large it’s probably not easily countable with a D who is brilliant, creative, wonderful and an earth loving, vegan, farmer. College for this D was NOT Harvard or any of the Ivies. Wow I can understand why your D would be a fish out of water. There are colleges if this her true being where she certainly would be with her kind. I’ve always said that it isn’t about where a kid can “get in” it’s about where they can thrive and be successful. That is the brass ring. Fortunately my friends understood that and didn’t get hung up on their alma mater for her. My advice is bridges have been crossed so work with what you have and consider all the options for your D.</p>
<p>She has taken a leave and will see a therapist when she comes home .She will be here 2 months before she leaves for Sweden . I have nothing at this point invested in Harvard .I want her to be happy . Thank you all for your support .We are going to Sweden this summer and will spend a few days at the farm ,and a few days together in Stockholm .We will then spend a week in Paris ,where I have never visited . Thank you for the messages of support .</p>
<p>Fauxmaven - I haven’t read your earlier postings so don’t know the earlier roommate drama which could have been abit traumatic but would like to make this comment as many above have been hard on you: You and your daughter will have a lifelong relationship. Good for you for being supportive of her as she (I guess somewhat clumsily) has exerted her independence and made some decisions on her own to find the right path for herself. What parent has not had moments of wondering what their young adult was thinking as to how a course of action they impulsively decided upon came about and had to hold their breath and hope whatever decision works out ok? Many a sophomore is still “wandering” and looking for their life’s path - even at Harvard! It is hard to watch your child be uncertain/hurt, make some mistakes and learn from those mistakes but that is how one grows up and becomes an independent adult. I have no advice as to the Sweden issue, you know your daughter, only you can decide how to support her. Clearly your daughter is looking for her path – aren’t all of our children? Sounds like she has hit some major bumps. She may be depressed and you are aware of this and trying to get her to seek help. But it does not sound as if she is abusing herself with drinking/drugs - self abusive self medicating type behaviors. She wants to spend a third summer on a Swedish farm which is somewhat Amish in nature and limits technology and her bf is not there. Sounds very Thoreau type retreat and a good place for self contemplation. Keep the paths of communication/acceptance open, hold on to the threads of your relationship and do not issue ultimatums which she could find threatening and cause her to shut down from you. You’ve already allowed her to drop this semester so don’t dwell on water under the bridge issues. Concentrate on moving forward and finding the future path that best fits your daughter. (And,contrary to above, there certainly are students at Harvard who care about the earth, sustainability, eating well. These interests are not a roadblock to fitting in at Harvard. but accept that maybe another school in the end will be a better fit, or maybe H will work out in the end. Only time will tell.)</p>
<p>Glad to hear there is a gameplan, FM. With her home for 2 mos and you recovering from surgery you will have plenty of time to talk and get a better handle on what is going on. She sounds unhappy and moving towards what has provided her happiness in the past (farm, au pairs, boyfriend, etc). Glad too that no one is rising to what appears to be recent baiting on this thread.</p>
<p>I wanted to take the opportunity to post the link to WWOOf-programs all over the world.
[WWOOF</a> - World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms](<a href=“http://www.wwoof.org/]WWOOF”>http://www.wwoof.org/)
I am also interested in sustainable agriculture- ( as is my youngest, she worked on a farm in India & if we can get her a car, she will do an internship on a small farm this summer)
But, yes- Harvard probably wouldn’t be in the top 20 schools I thought of, for that major. However, undergrad in bio or chem at Harvard would prepare her well to go farther if she decides to return.
I expect many of the land grant universities have programs also.
[CSANR-</a> WSU](<a href=“404 Error Page | CSANR | Washington State University”>http://csanr.wsu.edu/)</p>
<p>Sometimes taking a semester off is a good idea. Unless the school will have an issue with it, it is not a problem. The idea that college should take only a certain number of years is not something that everyone needs to stick to. Life goes on and stopping/restarting is not a big deal.</p>
<p>It could be a problem if there will be a scholarship or funding lost due to the absence. That is one thing that keeps some people in their classes, one after another. Of course it will cause some trouble also if it will mean that the college or university will give her the boot for missing time.</p>
<p>There are a lot of people that take ages to finish school and they do just fine with that. Going part time while working and having a variety of adventures is the perfect plan for some people. Does it matter if you take 10 years to get that masters if you are enjoying life and gaining life experiences the whole way? I don’t think taking a semester off is a big deal at all.</p>