<p>LOL! That’s how it is here, too! Actually, she really hasn’t formally started except for one they had to write for AP English. I saw that one, but not because she showed me. Truth be known, I wasn’t all that impressed by the format. I’m surprised her English teacher thought it was okay. Now I’m a bit worried that my daughter won’t be able to come up with something “simple and clever” like the ones I’ve seen in the Fiske essay book or others I’ve come across. But, she is adamant about me bugging her!! Arrrghh!</p>
<p>Momof3sons wrote:</p>
<p>Not only do I not write their essays, they won’t even let me see them!</p>
<p>Near the end of the writing for his first application, S realized he hadn’t yet written the 150 word response to elaborate on one of his ECs. He long ago decided to write about his piano playing, since it wasn’t really touched on elsewhere and might show a good balance to his other strengths in math/science. He’s been at it for 12 years, not at a competitive level. However, he enjoys it, does some private recitals, wrote a few short, jazzy compositions and likes playing “garage bands.”</p>
<p>So, silly me, I suggested he consider writing about how it makes him feel. He looked at me askance and said, “My feelings? Ugh, that’s poetic.”</p>
<p>I shrugged, and went abput my business. About 30 minutes later he said he was done and asked if I wanted to read it. I said sure.</p>
<p>He wrote a poem! And it was pretty good right out of the box, and only needed a little vocabulary and size reduction editing!</p>
<p>Why not a poem for that topic? There’s no requirement it be written in prose and I think what he wanted to covey came across better using this format.</p>
<p>I wasn’t allowed to read my son’s essays either (I was kind of happy to stay out of it). After they were submitted, I snooped through a copy that an English teacher had marked up. I didn’t think they was exceptional, but they was decent. </p>
<p>I think these kids “going it alone” should have more of a sense of pride in their acceptances than the ones being coddled & nagged through the whole process!</p>
<p>I actually know a mother of an HS senior who is disgusted that another family is making their daughter fill out all of her own college apps and write her own essays. Believe me, you can see the difference in the child whose mother is doing her work for her (bad work ethic in general) and the child who has to do their own (girl is stressed but working on it nonetheless). </p>
<p>I was discussing this with another parent who is a mutual friend of both families. This woman is the parent of an HS sophomore like my DD. She said in that situation she does not know what she would do. That she might also consider doing everything for her child to relieve the stress. Ofc, this woman also writes her DD’s ballet scholarship application essays each year and then her DD copies them over in her own handwriting and thinks that is ok too.</p>
<p>My own DD prepared herself for auditions, followed up with guidance and did everything herself (aside from the FAFSA bc that is something I am adamant about doing myself). It was her idea but I don’t think I would have written her essays that is for sure. If that were the case she would not have gotten into any schools! :)</p>
There are some kids who probably would never get any applications in at all without a certain amount of coddling and nagging, and so they might never have any acceptances to have a sense of pride about. </p>
<p>While independence is a good thing, in our culture its importance is often exaggerated. There’s no great inherent virtue in always “going it alone.” While it can be a sign of maturity to learn to do things without help, it can also be a sign of immaturity to be afraid to ask for help when you need it, or to see accepting help as a sign of weakness. </p>
<p>Also, not every kid achieves independence in the same way or at the same time. Six months ago, I would have bet you large sums of money that we would have to nag our son mercilessly every step of the way to get his college applications done, and that we would just sneak in under the bar on New Year’s Eve. It hasn’t turned out that way at all, to our delight–but it could have. Does a kid who is a bit further behind in this part of his development somehow deserve to go to college less than his more independent peers?</p>
<p>Writing a kid’s essay for him is just wrong. There’s no defending it. But it’s not the least bit wrong for kids to seek advice on how to perfect what they have written, whether from peers, parents, or teachers. The idea that accepting this kind of help somehow taints their work, or that those who have done their essays without it should feel prouder of their college acceptances, is just plain silly.</p>
<p>My son started his essay over the summer. I nagged, cajoled, even jokingly threatened. And it slowly evolved without my help, but toward the end, my role changed. We started working on it together (although it wasn’t a bonding experience for us, I have to say—more like dental work). </p>
<p>Of course, I corrected grammatical and other obvious mistakes, but I also made edits like giving him synonyms for overused words and suggesting slightly different phasing (e.g., I had him change “slipped from view” to “slipped from view entirely”). I did not, however, write it for him or make any suggestions that would have changed his voice. In fact, there were a couple sentences that I think were a little awkward, but I could not figure out a way to tweak them without losing that voice. So I forced myself to keep silent, and the sentences stayed in in all their awkward teenage glory. </p>
<p>Ultimately, it came out really well (even taking those rough spots into account). He conceived it and wrote it, and I helped him polish it. He’s very proud of it—I overheard him telling his girlfriend that he “got creative.” And I don’t think for one minute he should be any less proud because I helped him.</p>
<p>Nightchef, I definitely agree with your point about dfferent developmental levels. I have one child who was always ahead of the milestones, one right at the norm, and one behind the norm. Regarding the latter, when she does take a leap forward, it’s a huge leap and completely unexpected and we’re left saying something similar to what you’ve said: 6 months ago, we never could have seen this coming. So yeah, I think the college application process in general assumes the student has a great deal of maturity in organizational skill, in his understanding of himself, and in his understanding of his goals for the future. Not all kids, despite being bright, have those pieces put together at age 17, and they still need to go to college! BUT, some parents could use this to rationalize why they should essentially do their child’s application, not merely help them. A mom today told me that when I called she had just finished editing her D’s essay–she even read me portions of it. It seems D could only put on paper some sketchy ideas, and mom basically wrote it. She justified it by saying that her D was incapable of doing it right now, so she has no choice but to step in and she thinks that’s OK.</p>
<p>I agree that each kid is different and needs/wants more help, but parents should try to decide where they draw the line. It is good to make the kid reach/work so that they get some growth out of the process. For example, my son is doing the essays on his own. I have read but do not comment except praise and correct a misspelling. However, his weakness is the organizational side–getting the whole package put together, LORs, portfolios and applications and meet deadlines. I want him to learn how to tackle this but I think the sink or swim attitude could result in total chaos, stress and failure rather than making him into an organizational genius.
So…I decided that he had to fill in the common app–on his own but could come to me with questions. Once that is done and printed out, I have offered to type in the same info into any additional applications. He will have to do the non-repetitive short answers or supplements. So we keep logins and passwords for online apps the same and share an email address for this stuff. Also, we work on Sundays to put the LOR packets together for the teachers/counselor (form, cv, stamped envelope, due date). I suggested a filing system and made a checklist for each application. Hopefully, when faced with a similar task in the future (grad school, job apps) he will have an experience to draw on. My daughter will be the opposite–super organization skills but will probably want to talk through her essay ideas before trying to write and will welcome grammar and style suggestions. Again, I will probably listen and correct grammar but tell her that the style is not for me to touch. She needs a different type of “stretch” without letting her feel she has no support.</p>
<p>Couldn’t agree more. We’ve spent all these years guiding our children to use their opportunities and hoping they get the best possible education and stopping at giving them appropriate help for the critical college essay seems counter intuitive.</p>
<p>Even at the best high schools, I think many teachers guiding kids through essays don’t have a clue about what the colleges want and they certainly don’t have the time to give them the one-on-one an exceptional essay will take.</p>
<p>I’m not suggesting anyone write them for their children, but this is one area where I would not want my kids to go it alone to show independence.</p>