Hi guys. I know this type of thing has been asked to death, but I’m really in desperate need of some advice. I arrived at my dorm for freshmen year about a week ago and I’m having difficulties making friends. At orientation over the summer, I became really close with this guy and girl who are both in engineering like I am, and though we go together for meals a lot and have many classes together, I feel as if they both have friend groups outside of ours that they can turn too. And I…don’t.
The dorm that I’m living in is very into the whole ‘community’ aspect, so there were a lot of events at the beginning of the semester, many of which I attended. Even though I did, though, I haven’t really spoken to the acquaintances I thought would become friends since then. They all already seem very close with each other, and though we do greet each other when passing, they all live in a different ‘wing’ of the floor so I don’t see them a lot. I live in a single, too, so it’s not like I even have a roommate to turn too.
I’m getting really down right about now because I feel like a lot of those friend circles are already forming and I’m getting kind of shut out…I’ve just spent this entire Saturday alone in my dorm, besides getting breakfast, and I feel like a total loser, especially because I know others are going out and having fun together. I’m terrified to go down to the dining hall because I’m sure I won’t find anyone else to sit with for dinner. I did join some clubs, but the meetings aren’t for awhile. The homesickness is not helping either, and I see so many of my friends from back home already forming amazing relationships. I would really just love some advice or even the assurance that I’m not alone in this right now…
Basically I’d tell you to get out of your room and stay busy. Go to the dining hall – eating alone isn’t the worst thing if it happens. If you see someone else sitting alone, ask if you can sit there. If it helps, my kids changed friend groups more than once in college. One completely rebuilt her friend group after the first year after some unpleasantness – I wasn’t sorry to see her do it, as I wasn’t sure about some of those friends anyway. The other just added more people as she went along (although her frosh roommate, who was a friend at first, also turned out to be a “not friend” eventually). It isn’t all over the first few weeks of school, trust me.
Do you keep your dorm room open? That is a good place to start.
I know it’s hard but hang in there. Also, try to remember there are more people feeling just as you are even though it doesn’t seem like it. The previous poster said it well.
I just left the parent’s Facebook page at my daughter’s school. One of the moms had posted that her child was feeling very alone, not making lots of friends. LOTS and LOTS of kids are struggling!!!
So here are some of the suggestions that came up:
Buy a doorstop and use it. You can get it at amazon if there's no hardware store nearby. Keep that door open! And if you can play some music, it might make stopping by to say hi even more inviting.
Get a job, either on campus or off. Her school is adjacent to "Main Street" so that's a viable alternative. My daughter and her friend got jobs on Tuesday, getting the callback about half an hour after submitting applications. Try entering "part time job" into the search feature on your school's website. Having a job will put you in contact with a different group of kids than your day to day classes.
I imagine your school has some sort of events for this Labor Day weekend? GO. You don't need a friend group for this sort of stuff-- stop by and hear a concert, or attend something else.
On the subject of eating alone: technology is your friend. You can absolutely bring along an ipad or phone, and be "busy" as you eat---even if you're watching a movie on Netflix! But don't avoid the dining hall-- and consider scouting out a couple of kids and asking "can I join you?" This weekend is a great opportunity in that regard, since "my roommate/ friends went home for the long weekend" is an easy and believable excuse.
Laundry is your friend!!! But don't go at the least crowded times-- instead choose the times when there are other people there. You can start a conversation by asking for advice--- you wouldn't be the first freshman in history who had laundry questions!!
Hit the fitness center. Even if you're not a fitness kind of kid, spend some time on the stationary bikes. You can bring earbuds if you think you'll need them, but I would suggest "forgetting" them to make yourself more approachable. You could always ask for advice on how to use a new piece of equipment, or sign up for a class.
Take advantage of this gorgeous time of year by being outside!! It will put you in proximity of other people. Whatever you do-- study, listen to music, just people watch-- do it outside.
Lots of kids are alone this weekend, so take advantage!! Consider stopping by to meet the other kids on your floor--- if their doors are open, consider it an invitation to introduce yourself. If you happen to have a frisbee in your room, it might make a decent segway from "Hi, I'm kriscentral" to "Hey, want to do something?" If frisbee isn't your thing, then you can suggest hitting one of the dining venues for coffee or ice cream.
Oh, and don’t believe everything you read about those kids from back home. You know how it is with social media-- it’s very easy to present things in a light that’s less than truthful. The reality is that there are plenty of kids in the exact same situation as you are.
There are some good suggestions above, and please know that you are not alone in feeling this way. There are way too many kids that haven’t immediately found even one friend and may either have no roommate or haven’t connected with their roommate. It sucks.
Generally the more outgoing kids will do just fine, but even they might feel like they’re starting over after what seemed so easy in high school. But the shy or introverted kids are the ones who seem to be mostly affected by this. Being alone when you want or need to is fine. Feeling homesick is to be expected. But feeling lonely because you aren’t connecting with anyone can become a problem.
I don’t understand why colleges don’t pay more attention to this. Yes, they have a bunch of activities during the orientation period and first week. But why aren’t the RAs responsible for checking up on everyone to make sure they’re feeling okay about themselves. How hard is it to plan a couple of group dining hall visits, or help a few kids that are feeling a bit disconnected to feel less so? Unfortunately most kids are only concerned with themselves. Once they’ve connected with their roommate, their hall mates, their sport or club friends, or the friends they brought to school, they don’t focus on who else might need help adapting.
One thing I will disagree with is using your technology as a crutch while in public places. We all should put away our phones and iPads when we’re hoping to connect with others. Being near people isn’t the same thing as being with people. If you want to appear approachable, put away your phone, muster up your courage, and smile at passers-by or ask if you can join someone else who looks like they could use your company.
“I don’t understand why colleges don’t pay more attention to this.”
College is a time for intellectual & personal growth. Colleges & universities provide all the necessary ingredients. What one does with them is best left to the individual.
The crutch of using technology might be a short term fix to ensure that the OP at least eats in the presence of others. It can always be turned off or put away.
@Publisher I respectfully disagree. For some kids “all the necessary ingredients” might include a bit of nurturing. I can’t believe any college would willfully ignore the needs of students not quite ready to take advantage of all the resources available to further their intellectual and personal growth.
@kriscentral: I don’t know if this will help, but if I could be young again & redo college, I would not really be concerned at all about friends. I would exercise more, read more, write more & travel more. And I did a lot of those activities when I was a student.
My point is that you are in control of what you do with your time & youth.
Stay busy & exercise & you will have plenty of friends & acquaintances. But the best friend you can have is yourself.
I think colleges do pay attention to it. Often the RA is organizing events, colleges provide funding for clubs, they have common areas in dorms for people to hang out in, and they are bringing speakers and events on campus. But students have to get out of their rooms to participate in those things.
@RandyErika: I think that the activities that you outlined are offered at most colleges & universities. And I believe that we both find them to be valuable. But our disagreement arises from whether the individual or the institution should be primarily responsible for a student’s social assimilation. I favor individual responsibility because that is within one’s ability to control.
@Publisher I don’t want to further detract from the OPs very valid personal concerns. But I disagree with your characterization - I completely agree that the individual should be (and is) primarily responsible for their social assimilation. I just don’t think that simply making resources available is enough for every kid - some could benefit from just a little bit more. Not every flower will blossom with just sunlight, water, and nourishment - some need a little bit of love as well.
@RandyErika: I think that your last sentence in post #12 summarizes our different points of view quite well. I do believe that every flower will blossom with sunlight, water & nourishment. And, if not, then it is the flower’s fault.
In addition to a lot of the very excellent advice you’ve received above, I’d also like to remind you that you’ve only been there a week! Real friendships actually take a lot of time (and work) to foster.
There’s also a bit of a myth about college that everyone forms their best friendships for life - or at least throughout the rest of college - in the very beginning of their freshman year. You see it a lot in movies and TV shows about college life; on the first day the protagonist meets a motley crew, they instantly become BFFs, and they hang together through the rest of college. That’s not actually how reality functions In truth, students meet and lose friends all throughout college. Even if some people are making friends faster than you, that’s not a sign that you’re behind or will be on the outside forever. It’s common for people to widen their circle of friends to include newcomers they really like.
Our D lucked out her freshman year and fell in with some kids in the dorms who set up regular game nights on Fridays. Then, word got around that she was good at Spanish, and she became an informal Spanish tutor to a couple kids. She also discovered fun outings thru the school’s Rec Center (rafting, hiking, ski club), but often signed up by herself because she couldn’t find anyone she knew to do it too.
Even with all those steps, there were still times her first year when she desperately wanted to transfer out! It’s normal to feel homesick and generally out of sorts and question how you fit in.
Just keep a smile on your face, and look for opportunities to do some fun things with others. You can even be the person who invites others. I’m heading over to the bookstore (gym, see a movie, Starbucks, laundry room) in 15 minutes if anyone wants to come with! Then go! Keep inviting others to tag along, but have the confidence to go it alone if no one joins you. They are probably feeling the same way you do & it might take time for them to overcome their own nervousness to say yes, meet you there!
It’s common for friend groups to form quickly right off the bat, then dissolve and/or re-arrange & eventually widen.
My D18 is going through the same thing, despite being in a large suite of girls. It would be nice to have some small welcome events because the large campus events can be overwhelming.
-bring a deck of cards, sketchbook, or book to eat. Then you can be busy but maybe more approachable then electronics. Hang out in the common area the same way. If you use ig or snapchat, see about posting an outing or movie night. Take a tray of snacks to your common area and something you like to do.
Hang in there and don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. You’ll find your people, it just takes time.
My daughter feels the same way. Hard to go from high school where you have established friends from starting all over again. Join clubs, hang out in the lounges, invite others to join you for meals. It will get easier!
@intparent@bjkmom@midwest67 and to everyone else who replied, thank you so much! I took some of the advice I received and on Sunday morning I gathered the guts to go out to a floor event by myself, which was the zoo. I grouped up with four other girls who are dorming together, and we really had a blast. We even went to Target and stopped at a Thai place for dinner haha. It still isn’t easy, as I’m a very introverted person, but I think I’ll be thankful for these experiences a few years down the road for forcing me to get out of my comfort zone. I’ll try leaving my door open more this week, and I’ll do some homework in the lounge. I definitely plan on heading to the gym when I’m free as well. Just knowing I’m not the only one going through this helps a lot, so thank you all
In truth, students meet and lose friends all throughout college. Even if some people are making friends faster than you, that’s not a sign that you’re behind or will be on the outside forever. It’s common for people to widen their circle of friends to include newcomers they really like.