<p>How large was the school in your example? My -- perhaps erroneous -- assumption is that the smaller the school, the more likely they are to work with you, no matter when they receive the information. </p>
<p>S's school is private, has enrollment of about 10,000. As other posters (thanks, Marite) have noted, sick/deceased relative excuses has been abused, and that has crossed my mind in weighing whether to mention it to someone. My guess is that with five classes, there is always going to be a paper/exam in one of them, so there's no "convenient" time for something to go awry.</p>
<p>At his HS, I let his academic advisor know what was going on, and to please watch for behavior or grade issues. I knew the school would give him the benefit of the doubt, as he had built up 3 1/2 years of solid work. He won't have that benefit as an incoming freshman.</p>
<p>If your S is comfortable mentioning it, he should be the one. If he is not, you should do so. The profs will of course not watch out for behavior or grade issues, but the dean/ advisors might want to keep an eye out for emotional ups and downs; and the profs might cut him some slacks on due dates, etc... Profs, after all, are also human beings. One of my S's instructors had to miss class because he got laryngitis. Another got the flu. Someone else got stranded in an airport; and so on and so forth.</p>
<p>
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Dead grandmothers rank way up there with "the dog ate my paper."
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<p>Many times a grandparent dies with little advance warning that it is going to happen in a given semester. I know a college student who lost her mother's father two weeks ago and her father's father last week. Both grandfathers had been seriously ill for several years. There would have been no particular reason in advance to single out this semester as the most likely.</p>
<p>It's unfortunate that a student like her has to fall under a cloud of suspicion raised by other students who have abused the system.</p>
<p>I know one college in which there is a standard routine procedure--much easier than requiring death certiifcates. When a student experiences a death of a close relative, the student notifies the dean's office, giving the name, city where the funeral will be, and the relationship of the relative. The dean's office immediately lets all the professors know that the student may need some understanding and flexibility in extensions or makeups. </p>
<p>The dean's office can easily verify the death (no death certiifcate needed.) In most cases, newspapers now run death notices on the Internet making them available free for 30 days after the death. A google search on the relative's name and hometown within the following week should confirm the death. (The death notice generally lists the names of all surviving children, which would presumably match up with one of the student's parents names.) If there's any difficulty finding the on-line death notice or obituary, the student can be asked for the name of the funeral home that handled the arrangements and the funeral home will confirm the death.</p>
<p>Having a system like this in place (along with penalties for students who fabricate dead relatives) should greatly cut down on the abuse of the system and allow appropriate accommodations for students who truly need them.</p>
<p>as a professor at a large university in a large city, i think it's pretty pathetic that parents feel compelled to get involved in communicating messages that kids need to learn to communicate themselves. College kids are pretty grown up and self-sufficient, believe it or not, and if they aren't, they better learn to be.</p>
<p>you can rest assured that most professors are very sensitive to kids who are dealing with any kind of loss and are very forgiving when they hear of a genuine need. i had a student whose dad had died the semester before. I certainly didn't need any adult to call and give me a heads up about what she was going thru. She told me herself, and I -- and her I suspect her other professors too - were as helpful and understanding as we could be.</p>
<p>
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College kids are pretty grown up and self-sufficient, believe it or not, and if they aren't, they better learn to be.
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<p>"They better learn to be"...or else? This whole thread is about avoiding the "or else." Are kids suddenly grown-up and self-sufficient the minute they enter college?</p>
<p>the "or else" is that if they don't learn to be self-sufficient in college (where they really do have the support of their professors), they will be helpless and unable to function without mom or dad, and no one wants that. My point is that I think parents underestimate kids by not realizing how capable they are -- if we allow them to be.</p>
<p>amdgmom, school mentioned in my post #18 was small (~2500 students), also religious in foundation</p>
<p>And, I am thinking that the "immediate family member" in your case is not a grandparent, but a sibling or parent. IMHO, the "grandparent died" syndrome many are referring to here doesn't apply.</p>
<p>I have a feeling that if my daughter were to read this thread, she would feel utterly vindicated in her firm insistance on traveling to her college and attending orientation by herself, without a parental unit in sight. </p>
<p>Keep in mind that we are dealing with a young person, age 17 or 18, attempting to adjust and make friends in a new place, on his own terms. It is not so much the message but the impression that it creates -- to inform the RA, as suggested, is to create an indelible first impression in the mind of another young person that new student (who I shall refer to as NS). is particularly vulnerable. RA will then approach NS with delicacy -- for example, in an endeavor to be sensitive, RA may be guarded and avoid joking around in NS's presence. Different ramifications can be imagined, but the point is, NS has been saddled at the outset as "NS-with-dying-relative". Everything NS does will be viewed in that context.</p>
<p>FWIW, my kids did lose their grandfather last year, and it was certainly a time that brought the family together, and a loss that each child dealt with in their own way. We shared a lot and talked a lot, but I didn't feel any need to say anything to any of my daughter's teachers -- I assumed that she would bring it up if she felt she needed to. My son had to deal with the problem in the work place, letting it be known that he had to leave one planned company event early to travel to visit his grandfather in the hospital, and also letting co-workers know that he could be called away at any time -- since my son worked in a management capacity, that meant training others to take over if he was called away. It IS a big deal, but it isn't something that most young adults need to have their parents address for them. </p>
<p>My daughter's method of dealing with it was really to go into denial -- she needed to shield herself from the emotions by deliberately not thinking about it -- which illustrates another pitfall of too much information being disseminated. It would not have helped her to have well-meaning friends and adults in her life ask how they could help or how her grandfather was doing -- that simply would have continually reminded her of the one thing she didn't want to think about.</p>
<p>Well this is May, your S will be in college in September and you have posted about notifing some one or ones in that college about some relative's possible or probably illlness or death five or more months from now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</p>
<p>Now your latest post was to belittle MCHS comments.</p>
<p>You are obviously either overprotective of your S or do not have confidence in your S being able to speak for himself when and how necessary.</p>
<p>MCHS was on the target, many other posters are willing to offer encouragement for your concern, that is nice of them, but IMO not nice for your S.</p>
<p>Having sent 5 children off to college and another this fall, I can offer this advice, listen to MCHS; comments, they are closer to the reality that you must begin to face. Your S is at college and for many acticts on his own. Step back and do not speak to anyone at the college. Get the information about support elements at the college, they are available now on the website. Althought your S is probably well aware of your tendncies - surprise him allow him to handle how people at his college deal with him.</p>
<p>Do not proclaim to his new world that he is a 'Mama's boy' or the equivalent. You might be pleasantly surprised at how well he handles himself.</p>
<p>It's not some relative. It's an immediate family member receiving chemo and radiation for metastatic cancer.</p>
<p>However, your point is well taken about people treating him differently. That is the last thing I want as he begins a new and quite exciting phase of his life. We live in a small town, and he is often asked how "D" is doing. </p>
<p>I am uncomfortable about your comment re: "my tendencies." We don't even know each other. His school has asked parents to notify them if there are any family issues that may affect the students, so my notifying his academic advisor doesn't reflect my tendencies. I talk to his teachers only during conferences, and have never (but never!) spoken to his soccer coach except to say 'Hello.' </p>
<p>As always with CC, I learned a lot today. My OP asked the question: is it appropriate to give advance info to the counseling center or someone associated with his residence hall? Probably not. And if we are truly blessed, things will be in remission by then, and it will be a moot point. Wouldn't that be grand?</p>
<p>I don't think you need to worry about being a helicopter parent no matter what you do. You are having a serious family crisis and deserve compassion from your son's school no matter who you talk to. You can certainly feel comfortable with whatever you decide. Helicopter parenting refers to parents handling their children's day-to-day life which certainly doesn't apply here.</p>
<p>There are some illnesses that last more than 5 months--cancer is one of them. And sometimes, it is incurable. I very much hope this is not the case here. But chemo is no fun. It has its toll. </p>
<p>And as someone who is used to dealing with smaller size institutions of higher learning, the attitude of MCHS who is teaching at some large university is one reason why I am glad that my kids chose smaller size schools. Fwiw, I have never ever contacted my S's profs--some of whom happened to be old friends from graduate school. But had my family faced the issues the OP is currently facing, I would seriously consider alerting my S's dean about it if I saw that my S was deeply affected by them.</p>
<p>amdgmom, my very best wishes to you and your family. I will keep my fingers crossed for the chemo to work.</p>
<p>AMDGMOM: There is a definition question that is asked!</p>
<p>What is the definition of the terms minor surgery and major surgery?</p>
<p>Answer: Minor Surgery is what happens to You!</p>
<pre><code> Major surgery is what happens to Me!
</code></pre>
<p>I do appreciate that to you it is a close immediate family relative.</p>
<p>But to the college, or a RA or a counselor or a Professor is would be a relative of your S, their student or dorm member.</p>
<p>The term "tendencies' might be mislabeled, I do not pretend to be in your shoes, however you seem to have recognized the gist of the comment. Your S will be a new person to everyone he meets at his college. Unless there is some overwhelming factor that demonstrates to you that your S wants or needs your interception, it would be far better to allow him to travel that road himself.</p>
<p>Marite: your comment about cancer is true, but the presumption that this knowledge is needed to be directed towards myself is erroneous. </p>
<p>I had a bacholar brother who I was the caregiver and transporter from Doctor to Sloan-Kettering to hospital as he fought and lost to Stomach Cancer as did two of my cousins Their deaths followed that of most (10 of 13) of my Mother's brothers and cousins. So my family, like many others, knows the in and outs of that fearsome disease.</p>
<p>My comments were directed to how this S would be seen at his college. The tragic circumstances are just that tragic and sad, but not the subject of the inquiry.</p>
<p>When I developed cancer in my sophomore year of college it was part of the process of being a cancer survivor to learn to cope with the impacts it had on my daily life. This was an earlier and simpler era, of course, but my parents never would have contacted anyone at school on my behalf so long as I was able to do it myself, and fortunately I was. My advisor was a huge help in advocating for me and it strengthened my relationship with my research supervisor when she came to me concerned for my emotional well being.</p>
<p>Your child is not the cancer patient, but your child is also coping with an event that is outside of his or her control, perhaps the first time they have had a close family member this ill. It is a life lesson to learn to advocate for yourself honestly and sincerely and in a way that strengthens you for the next time and the next that you deal with things of this sort. My approach would be to empower my child by encouraging them to discuss it with their academic advisor and/or residence advisor. Being open to discussing your feelings and circumstances allows you to feel less alone.</p>
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My approach would be to empower my child by encouraging them to discuss it with their academic advisor and/or residence advisor. Being open to discussing your feelings and circumstances allows you to feel less alone.
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<p>That, of course, would be ideal. But I have known students who did not do so and waited until things came crashing down to seek help, either academic, or personal. And when such thing happens, it takes a lot more effort on the part of everyone to try to resolve the ensuing problems.
Amdgmom's knows her child best. My own take on this is that it is not being a helicopter parent to mention this issue to a dean or advisor if the student is too shy to mention it--of course, if the student is opposed to it, that would be different.
I've heard of LACs where profs actually phone a student if s/he has not showed up in class because s/he overslept! Such LACs are miles removed from the type of school another poster taught at. At these LACs, the profs and the administration DO want to know the student as more than a warm body in the classroom and a set of blue books and term papers.</p>
<p>Teaching your child to be someone who knows how to ask for help and advocate for themselves is a basic life skill. I know there are kids who are shy or timid and if the child in question is painfully so, and the parent knows it, well then maybe they should take this one on. But, having the conversation by him or herself with the advisor or dean gives that adult a chance to begin a relationship which could really be of great help to a student in crisis...well before the crisis begins. This is why pediatricians like to get to know kids before they come in with a high fever, for example. </p>
<p>Of course this parent knows this child and will ultimately do best by the child. But I think, if there is the opportunity exists to plan (and it doesn't always) then the plan should be for the child to self advocate-- if at all possible. </p>
<p>It seems to me the biggest problems arise when on some level, any level, the parent gives the message to the child to just 'buck up' or worse, to hide the truth, and that is obviously not the case here.</p>
<p>I apologize, and certainly didn't mean to be harsh at all. I just wanted to convey how professors feel about parents who get involved in their students' issues. In fact, at my university, this has become such an issue that we are specifically instructed that we are not to communicate with a parent without written permission from a student.</p>
<p>Perhaps I misunderstood the level of involvement you were proposing: If you are concerned about your son's mental health, for example, I certainly think it's fine to contact the counselling office to make sure someone is keeping an eye on him. I just don't think it's a good idea to contact his professors or even his advisor. If this were my kid, I would strongly urge him to do that himself. </p>
<p>My point was really made out of my concern about students and my total belief that they can handle things themselves--and out of a knowlege that their professors are people too, many of them moms and dads, who -- even at very big universities -- are willing and eager to provide whatever support we can for our students.</p>
<p>p.s. -- even at large universities, professors care deeply about their students. if i have a kid who misses more than one class, i e-mail to find out what's going on. If I have a student who I worry is having issues with substance abuse, I give the counselling office a heads up. When i have a student who's dealing with a difficult issue (and there's at least two every semester) i make myself totally available -- taking him or her out for coffee, lunch, etc. I have spent lots of time wiping away tears from the eyes of upset kids. Most of my colleagues do the same thing. We teach college kids because we like them, respect them, and care about them.</p>