<p>For those of you who believe that Helicopter Parenting a) doesn't exist b) is solely an epithet used to tarnish parents who are for good reason more involved or c) is something good for the kids . . .</p>
<p>"Administrators point to parents who have fixed their childrens problems their entire lives. Now in college, the children lack the skills to attend to even modest conflicts. Some parents continue to intervene on campus. </p>
<p>":Constant cellphone connection means parents jump in too quickly, says Sarah English, director of housing and residential life at Marist College, in Poughkeepsie, N.Y. Some go directly to the source, Ms. English says: It surprises me when students say, My roommates mother called and yelled at me, and I think, Are you kidding me? I cant believe parents call students. Ten years ago, I never heard of that. "</p>
<p>This article is nonsense, it’s actually irritating. The good old days when we could work out our problems</p>
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<p>That’s not what I remember. When I was in college 30 years ago there were plenty of roommate conflicts. It was nobody’s fault, it’s just hard to live with someone. I also remember on occasion when a conflict got to be really big a parent might intervene to try to bring some reason to the situation. It usually helped, at least it didn’t make anything worse.</p>
<p>There’s some truth to the old adage, if you want to lose a friend be their roommate.</p>
<p>More than 30 years ago, I had a roommate whose alcoholic mother used to call our room on the phone at times when her daughter was not there and ramble aimlessly to me for long periods of time – often about her daughter’s deficiencies.</p>
<p>The current system, where each roommate has a cell phone and the presence of a shared landline is increasingly unlikely, has its merits.</p>
<p>Hey, back in the dark ages we didn’t have phones in the dorm rooms. There was one phone at the end of the hall. If you were lucky, someone might answer it and leave a note on your door “BCNM” or “GCNM.”</p>
<p>Translation: Boy called no message, Girl called no message</p>
<p>Oh, please, what a load of, well, let’s go with hogwash.</p>
<p>20 years ago I had a suite mate whose mother called our RA constantly and many of the college students in our dorm did not have a “let’s sit down and talk about it” attitude.</p>
<p>In fact, the RA’s at my son’s college receive far more training in conflict resolution than what was required for RA’s at my college and I would imagine that is true at the majority of colleges.</p>
<p>There never were the “good old days.” Let’s move on!</p>
<p>I agree. I had a freshman roommate who locked me out of my room most Friday and Saturday nights for several hours. The RA thought we should talk it out (me: “Don’t lock me out”…her: “whatever”). My parents were totally uninvolved…it would have been great if some adult had stepped in to help. I think the dorm staff would have been more responsive instead of expecting me to solve it on my own.</p>
<p>There were many ways you could have taught her a lesson without crying to some adult figures. I’d start with asking for dinner/movie money so you could go out a few hours on her dime. </p>
<p>We had the 1 house phone per floor. All agreed that if you were not in the message was to be you were “at the library”.</p>
<p>Of course. Because if her reaction to a request to not be locked out was “whatever”, then surely she would have happily handed over $40 per weekend. </p>
<p>svm, I completely agree. All it would have taken was one RA visit, “If you keep locking your roommate out, I’m going to have to call the Dean/your parents, etc.” Problem solved. Our dorm had floors with weak RAs where things were fairly miserable for a lot of people and floors with strict RAs where problems got solved quickly. It’s no brainer.</p>
<p>Come on barrons. An RA isn’t really an adult, they are a fellow student and their job is to intervene in just this type of situation. It is a job, they are getting paid for it, and telling two roommates to talk something out when that has already been tried and not worked is the same as doing nothing.</p>
<p>I was lucky in college to have had two very good RAs and I saw them intervene in some difficult situations. They were wonderful, set just the right tone and helped some of my fellow dormmates through some difficult days or in some cases got them outside help.</p>
<p>Nothing like somebody knocking on the door for half an hour to spoil the “mood”. There are so many ways to make this not OK. Not sure of the timing–locked out from 7-12pm or Midnight to 4 am? If it’s early I don’t know why you would really want to be in the dorm from 7-12 on Fri/Sat night anyway. If it’s late night it might mean raising the ante a bit. You could just be sure to be back first and just not leave. One of the best things about UW was not having to live in a dorm at all. 1 and done and get your own place with your own bedroom. Dorms are pretty much for young kids anyway. Nothing like having your own private pleasure palace.</p>
<p>Does some of this have to do with the fact that some students are not ready for a roommate? I think that more students with emotional and social problems are going away to 4 year schools than they did in the past, but I don’t have statistics to prove this theory.</p>
<p>I know someone who is going to go to college in 2011. I know that this student is not going to get along with any roommate. The roommate and the RA can negotiate until they are blue in the face, but it will not make any difference. This student has trouble respecting boundaries. He will not keep his hands off the roommate’s possessions and he will fiddle with electronics until they break. He won’t steal, but he will play with things that belong to his roommate without asking permission to do so. His parents do not let on that they see this as a problem, and I know that they plan for him to go away to a 4 year school. They are not going to pay extra for a single, when the school sees that perhaps it is “necessary”.</p>
<p>I do think it is partially because a lot of families are a lot smaller than they used to be. I came from a family of five kids and I don’t really think I know what personal privacy is and as the middle of five, I had to learn to be flexible to survive. Now, I have two children and because one is a boy and one is a girl they have always had their own bedrooms and they cherish their personal privacy. My daughter, who can be rather picky, sometime surprises me with being too rigid. Fortunately, she recognizes this problem and is trying to be more flexible.</p>
<p>Am I a helicopter ? Maybe. But my friend, she asked the family doctor to write a note so that her son can get a SINGLE with A/C. So, he was the only freshman in senior dorm with A/C. I don’t think it’s a good idea for the only child.</p>
<p>@ Barrons - Our standard sorority house answer, when a parent called on a weekend morning and a sister was, um, elsewhere, was “She went out to breakfast.” No cell phones in those days - definitely a blessing sometimes!</p>
<p>I find the article contradicting and confusing-Is it about helicoptering or the effect of evolving communication media on conflict resolution? Are the conflicts about nothing and too easily resolved for parents to become involved or are they actually escalating because of lack of communication skills?</p>
<p>I am more interested in the effect, for better or for worse, evolving communication media and technology have on different relationships. It’s not just cell phones, it’s also facebook, texting, sexting, skype, twitter, etc.</p>
<p>I have to say that I have had times that I would have liked to say something to a kid that was reportedly acting out of line, but I really don’t think it is a good idea, and I don’t do it. This would not come out right; there is an perceived power difference in parent to someone else’s kid that really is not right.</p>
<p>The lock out thing is annoying, and I had this done to me by a roommate, and I also woke up to the sounds of the same roommate with a guy in the room (ugh). I wish I would have had the nerve to tell them to get a hotel room then. Our RA’s were not too useful, and it does sound like RA’s get more training now than they did back then. I do not actually find value in trying to live with someone who is selfish and unconcerned with someone else’s feelings in terms of keeping them out of a shared room or waking them up to behavior that should be kept private. Yes, if you get a roommate who is at least courteous and considerate then there may be something to be learned from living with a stranger, but unfortunately if you get a doozy, the most you gain is bad memories and ugly stories. Unless they build more singles on most campuses, there is little to be done.</p>
<p>Has anyone ever successfully handled living with the type of person who would throw you out of your own room? If you have success stories, now is the time to share before the next group go off on their journeys.</p>
<p>No real confusion. The article basically states that the advent of mass personal communication exacerbates the “helicopter parent” situation. Years ago, although there have always been some, they weren’t as intrusive or all pervasive as they can now be. BITD, one house phone, one RA per floor and we worked things out. A lot of kids don’t know how to negotiate anymore with texting, etc.</p>
<p>I shared an apartment with a girl Jr year who’s mom would call early in the morning looking for her. She was generally at the boyfriend’s & my list of responses were: “In the shower”, “early class” or “has paper due, so at the library working on it”. Then I would call boyfriend’s apartment to let her know to call mom. Her family only lived 30 minutes away and one morning they called early to say they were stopping by to drop something off on their way by. Think I used ‘in the shower’ that day, so I called her to get back over ASAP.</p>
Now, I have two children and because one is a boy and one is a girl they have always had their own bedrooms and they cherish their personal privacy. My daughter, who can be rather picky, sometime surprises me with being too rigid. Fortunately, she recognizes this problem and is trying to be more flexible.</p>