@MYOS1634 imo, your post wasn’t unreasonable. I know of half a dozen large, conservative, religious homeschooling families who absolutely use the eldest girls as free babysitters and who, moreover, do not expect or encourage the girls to go to college. The girls are expected to find husbands early, have babies, and emotionally support their husbands. Reading the OP’s post, I am reminded of one family I know of in particular - the oldest girl in that family left home at 19, got a job, and is still trying to raise money to go to any kind of college that will take her. She was never taught much at home (because she was in charge of her nine younger siblings) and the parents refuse to give her any kind of records or help her at all in any way since they view her as a sinful and ungrateful daughter for wanting to go to college instead of becoming some man’s “helpmeet.” The OP doesn’t sound like she is in that extreme of a situation, but it does remind me of what is expected (free babysitting and submission to men) of the oldest girls of certain families around where I live.
Sometimes there are families that support the stereotypes, unfortunately. Of course there are many many many many homeschooling families who do not look anything like the stereotype - the vast majority of the homeschooling families I personally know don’t. That doesn’t erase the ones who do, though.
@Leftyloo98 I think, as you have stated, the best option right now is to go where they will pay for you to go (and thank them for paying, because that is indeed a huge gift), work hard, get great grades, then transfer with scholarships and/or loans if possible. Don’t give up on what you want to do - it may take you longer than you would like because of the transfer situation, but you will get there!
Okay so a update on things, I told my parents that I would stay at home for this year and just commute and they were of course okay with that. Then I was accepted into our community collage for the term that starts in may but then they said i couldn’t start in may because i had to help with our family business for the summer !! I’m just getting tired of putting my life on hold to help them when I have pulled more then my weight for 19 years !! Is there anything i can do to make them change their minds or just go along with what they want !?? Thank you!
Can you put college first and do a few hours? Can a sibling take more summer hours at the business?
Do they pay you when you work at the business?
What’s your EFC?
Have you talked with your grandparents?
Thought about your parents’reasons (financially struggling, want to keep control, cultural, etc?)
Why can’t you take a class or two and work during the summer? That seems reasonable. I worked close to full time at at a restaurant while attending school full time. It was tough, but I did it. Be firm, remind them you’re an adult, that you have goals, and that you will be able to go to school and work.
@JanieWalker, you seem to have an agenda, though I’m not sure why. I live in a neighborhood where all the kids go to local public schools (except for two homeschool families, mine included). Guess what? Most of them don’t go to college after high school, and if they do, they go to the local CC or possibly the local state university. Many have children both in and out of wedlock, many are low income, and many stay home with their parents. You seem to think that only conservative religious homeschoolers don’t go to college and have babies. People are people; what you see in one group of people, I see in another.
I too live in an area where most (albeit not all) the local kids go to public schools. Most of the college bound kids where I live go to the local state college or local cc’s. Just like your area, where I live, many young women stay close to home, are low-income, and CHOOSE to get married instead of going to college. So no, I don’t seem to think that only conservative religious homeschoolers stay home and have babies.
In my previous post, I stated that I personally know of several homeschooling families (all conservatively religious) who expect their oldest female child to babysit a multitude of younger siblings for free (and to get married young instead of getting an education), therefore, again, one poster’s musing about this particular young lady perhaps being expected to do some free babysitting was not a totally off-the-wall thought. Such situations exist. Me stating that they do, in defense of someone else’s musings, does not equal having an agenda. I include the conservatively religious aspect because in those specific families I know, part of practicing their religion is to encourage the early marriage and “helpmeet” status of their daughters (which explains the reasoning behind the expectation that the oldest girls babysit the younger siblings…it is partly seen as practice for their own motherhood). So I guess my “agenda” would be this - to explain why the person who brought up this possibility wasn’t bonkers to do so.
As for the separate subject of young motherhood/marriage in general - it is one thing to choose, of your own accord, to marry young and have babies (or not to marry and have babies). Nothing wrong with that, of course. It is quite another to be pressured against going to college by your parents - especially when you have stated you WANT to go to college - and to have your parents thrust their expectations of young motherhood and marriage onto you. Thankfully, the OP doesn’t seem to be in that drastic of a situation.
I will echo a question above - are your parents paying you for your work?
Or, do they consider you working at the family business your way of earning the money for college (which I would consider fair enough)?
If they are paying your tuition then you will have to go with their terms. Looks like you will need to commute/work the family business while taking a part-time courseload. Alternatively, you could leave home, get a job, and save up for college and then attend wherever you want to go that you can afford with reasonable loans/financial aid. That last option is difficult but I have done it myself and I have seen others do it.
Don’t give up on your long-term goals - you will get there. In the short-term, you may need to do what is best for you and your parents financially.
@JanieWalker The OP in this thread has not stated that the parents are conservative, Christian, or that she cannot attend college. All of your comments are your projections onto the posted situation.
The student has posted the parents need her to help with their business and to babysit and that the local school is the only one they will support her attending. The student has posted that she would have to pay rent to the grandparents. Finances are obviously not equal. Rent, food, transportation vs living at home and attending for free.
@MYOS1634 didn’t even qualify the comment with conservative, Christian, or homeschooler (which are more offensive stereotypes.) It was, “I’m worried your parents may want to use you for free babysitting and prioritize that over college (that happens in large families, especially if the eldest is a girl).”
There are plenty of poor, small ps families where an older sibling is expected to help babysit a younger sibling while parents work or where an older sibling’s college attendance options are limited bc the parents need support. Finances and family dynamics/culture are at play here. This is not an issue that pertains to just family size or homeschooling.
The OP has stated that she has already been accepted to the local school, so apparently the parents must have provided the transcript (and must have had one readily available) bc otherwise she wouldn’t already have an acceptance.
There is another side to this story, the parents, that completes to picture. (Is their business a summer-heavy profit based business? Is that why they are opposed to summer vs fall and insist that they need her help this summer? ) It sounds like there are issues of disagreement between the OP and the parents, but nothing has been posted that actual clarifies the picture and all of projections are simply conjecture.
Community colleges frequently have classes that run outside of 9-5 hours. I would ask them if you can take classes in addition to working, starting in May, and if they will pay the tuition. Community college classes are usually pretty easy, so often people can manage two or three classes a semester, plus working. If they say no, I’m nervous that when the time comes to pay the tuition for September to start college, that they will find an excuse not to, to keep you dependent upon them, working for free for them (I suspect), and helping out with the younger children.
If you enter the National Guard, it will pay for any state college’s tuition, plus a stipend. And if what you want is nursing, that is an extremely desirable field for the military, plus you would get lots of hands on practical training during your service time, so that you’d be very well trained and highly marketable. Might be the way to go. Wouldn’t it be nice to be independent, and just come home for Sunday dinner when you can, rather than be in the situation you’re in now?
Another oldest of 8 here! But I’m a mom who homeschools teens now. I remember well what you are feeling.
May I ask the reason your parents say they want you home and at the close school? Are they concerned about your maturity? Be honest. Are they concerned about the secularism of the two schools?
Careful of taking advice from anyone who doesn’t know ALL aspects of your situation…
@Mom2aphysicsgeek maybe you find the comment about large families and babysitting offensive because you are sensitive about perceptions of homeschoolers, so let me chime in.
It doesn’t matter what kind of school, the dynamic in large families OFTEN delegates parental responsibilities to the older children, particularly older girls. Period. As the 4th of 9, but first girl, I was my mother’s “Right hand” until my sophomore year of HS. Playing 3 varsity sports AND working 20 hours a week AND getting straight As always in public School was not good enough. My Dad told me, as he drove me to work one day, that he was disappointed in me, because “everything you do is for yourself” and “you don’t help your mother out”. When I received a full ride to a prestigious LAC, my Dad said “do what you have to do. Why should I be proud of you? Your mother could use your help here”.
When I went to Japan my jr. year, My homestay family clucked in sympathy when I told them I was the “Cho-jo” of 9. It means first daughter, but the literal translation is “boss-girl” or “top-girl”. It is not just common, it is universal.
It is also not uncommon for a teenager to become frustrated that her own responsibility in not getting herself pregnant is kind of moot when she is nevertheless saddled with responsibility for someone else’s uncontrolled fecundity. Does that sound bitter? You bet. Not every person who has a kajillion kids is the calm, organized, Matriarch type. Some are emotionally immature people who “love babies” - especially NEW ones, and give scant thought to further dividing already scarce resources of time, attention, money, and yes, even food. The best thing for the OP is to put some distance between her own needs and those of her parents. Community college and a PAYING job is probably the first step. I agree that the military is a good option to consider- once you sign those papers, Mom and Dad have very little control.
The above is not conjecture, I am taking it from the OPs comments that she has “more than pulled (her) weight for 19 years”. She is frustrated at having to live someone else’s life. It stinks when your parents don’t plan or dream of a better future for you. It stinks even worse when they are actively obstructing it. I really wonder if the fall term will be any different for the OP. Personally, I think she should find a job that offers housing or a community college that offers housing, and get a paying job if she doesn’t want to join the military. Or ask her parents for a receipt for her deposit to the school for the fall.
@Leftyloo98 I’m getting to this thread late because I rarely check the homeschool section any longer, but today is a very hot day outside so…
Anyway, have you called or gone to School B and talked with Financial Aid/Admissions? It’s entirely possible that they might have a suggestion for you. At the ps where I work we sometimes get kids who want to go to college, but mom/dad will not support that choice for whatever dumb reason (including wanting to “keep” their offspring as “free help”). There are sometimes schools or outside programs that try to assist such students. I can’t guarantee a thing, but I’ve seen wonders done. It’s at least worth checking out. The worst they can tell you is no.
I wish you the best of luck. Like you, I’d be trying to get away. If they don’t support college, then I’d see if I could get myself a paying job (not with them) and save for my own apartment - living with friends at first if need be. I have absolutely no respect for parents who try to control adult children in these sorts of ways. There is a time to fly from the nest unless YOU choose to stay because it’s what you want. Not having money is one thing (and completely different). Many families will work with their kids to figure out what can be done. Using money as a control is something else entirely. It’s not worth it to cave in IME. Break free and fly.
