<p>Our DD (18) is a college freshman. She seems to be adjusting fine but to our surprise has allowed her BF to visit and stay over with her every other weekend so far. For a variety of reasons, DH and I would like to see her move on from this relationship so that makes this especially hard for us. However, our biggest concern, is our worry that she is not allowing herself to become fully acquainted with her new college life. We didn't express our disappointment after the first visit thinking it was just a timing thing and not something that was going to be a habit. Wondering now if that was a mistake...maybe our silence made her think we approved?</p>
<p>Bottom line is we think part of the benefit of going to college is that it forces one to learn to get along without the familiar. As noted, we'd just as soon not have them be dating at all; but of course, we expected he might visit at some point but not regularly. Mostly, we don't want him to interfere in her ability to become established and successful at her college. The fact that as a junior he is still in the habit of leaving his college community with regularity, we feel, is not healthy. We don't want that attitude passed on to her. He can be very possessive; we're not sure who's suggesting he visit. I'm sure he knows the more he's seen with her, the greater the likelihood that other guys will keep their distance. Of course, we wish he'd give her some space and let her find her own way...I know that's scary...he plans to marry her (that idea mortifies us)...but it is the fairest thing to her. If it's meant to be, she'll realize that as she finds other meaningful relationships to compare....which is much better than feeling forced to stay with the first one you meet.</p>
<p>Should we talk to her about it? Any suggestions on how to approach the subject without totally offending her? I know this boy has been telling her for several years that when she goes to college "your parents won't have anything to say about us"; "they won't have any right to tell you/us what to do", that sort of thing. By the way, she is an adorable, smart, lovely, popular (HC queen, etc) type of girl....a great catch....so there's no reason why she needs to just settle for any guy.</p>
<p>We know we can't control things, but don't want to inadvertantly make her feel we agree with the choices she is making now. Please advise. Also, for those who have been there, do these HS romances tend to go by the wayside?</p>
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do these HS romances tend to go by the wayside?
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<p>Yes, I think most of them do. Speaking from my 3 children. One married his high school sweetheart after 8 years of dating and the two of them attending different colleges (and both got very involved in their respective schools). D. finally broke up with controlling high school boyfriend after 1st year in college--boy said alot of similar things to what your D's bf is saying. Youngest went through freshman year with much emotional turmoil--on and off with girl and finally seems to have broken things off this summer.</p>
<p>My advice is to listen when she wants to talk, give advice if and when she asks for it--but try (believe me I know its hard) not to say too much and let her figure it out. My D. admitted to me after the fact that she had been trying to break up with boy for a year because of his put downs of her family and his controlling ways--but didn't want to tell us as it would add to her stress, having to talk about it. With my son, it was different---he wanted to talk and get a "girl's" point of view. Step back, don't criticize the visits--if she wants to see him, she will and just won't tell you if it will upset you.</p>
<p>Maybe ask her about the activities that she is involved in at school or might want to get involved in? About other kids she's meeting, etc.? Urge her to get involved with the school and with others there, talk about the benefits of getting to know different kinds of kids with different backgrounds as being a big part of the college experience, etc., without once mentioning the bf?</p>
<p>The problem, as I see it, is that if you really liked her boyfriend and approved of the relationship, you wouldn't be criticizing your daughter's actions at all right now. There's nothing abnormal about a couple who are attending different colleges frequently spending weekends together.</p>
<p>In your post, you say things like "Bottom line is we think part of the benefit of going to college is that it forces one to learn to get along without the familiar" and "our biggest concern, is our worry that she is not allowing herself to become fully acquainted with her new college life." </p>
<p>But you also say things like "For a variety of reasons, DH and I would like to see her move on from this relationship" and "he plans to marry her (that idea mortifies us)..." </p>
<p>You're mixing up two things here -- a general concern about how a relationship could affect a college student's life and the more specific issue that you can't stand this guy.</p>
<p>I suspect that your negative feelings about this specific relationship are a lot more important to you than the idea that a romantic relationship with a student at another college would impede your daughter's adjustment to college life. And I think your daughter knows it, too. Therefore, I think you really will offend her if you bring up the subject.</p>
<p>In my experience, most HS relationships don't last long once college starts. However, in this instance, the BF is already halfway through college; this is not really a HS relationship. When I went to college, I also had a BF two years older than me, who was starting his junior year at another university. The relationship did not die (although perhaps our parents hoped that it would). We've been married for 30 years now.</p>
<p>Not to put too fine a point on it but I assume she is on birth control? That would be my concern at this point.<br>
I am also wondering about her financial situation. I had an older BF when I was in college and I lived off campus. I worked part time and paid for a lot of my own living expenses, not tuition but food etc.. I am NOT suggesting that you cut off any financial assistance but are you as parents sending her some mixed messages? If she is fully dependent on you for everything than her BF's argument that "you don't have anything to say" doesn't really hold water.</p>
<p>i think that you should listen to her and not judge before hearing. She could be very involved with school and activity AND also have a boyfriend who visits. If you keep making negative comments to your D, you could just drive the two of them closer and injure your relationship with her</p>
<p>Thanks for your insight. Your post was very helpful to me...sounds like you've been down a similar road and it's good to know how things might turn out.</p>
<p>It is hard, hard, hard when you dislike your child's significant other. triplemom, I understand how you feel and hope the situation resolves itself in a way that's best for your daughter. I do, however, agree with those who counsel staying out of it. It sounds as if the bf already has some issues with you ("your parents won't have anything to say about us"). Although you can see that your daughter could enter more fully into her new life at college without the old boyfriend, your objections could lead her to dig in her heels and shut you out.</p>
<p>I actually like my oldest d's bf as a person, but he isn't a very good boyfriend (takes her for granted, doesn't consider her feelings and wishes to be as important as his own, etc.). When they went through a very difficult breakup, I said several negative (but entirely true!) things about him that I've regretted since they reconciled last year. She must have shared some of my feelings with him, because he has avoided us ever since (as if it was his job, in fact). </p>
<p>Thanks for your post. I must disagree with your assessment...I think you misunderstood some of what I wrote...your quote left off part of the sentence that the fact we aren't crazy about this kid makes this situation more worrisome for us...I didn't say it creates the worry. So, I disagree that we would not be troubled at all by the frequent visits if we liked the guy. I'm sure we would still be disappointed that she's not being given the opportunity to fully adjust to her new community. Sounds like you were in a similar situation when you were in college...congrats on the 30 years together...I'm glad everything worked out great for you. Also, I didn't mean for it to sound as though we hate the guy....my comment that it mortifies us that he plans to marry her wasn't intended to suggest he's horrible, but rather that we find it healthier for people to have several relationships so that they are making an educated decision about who to marry when the time comes.....especially when the "first love" is rocky, I'm sure most parents would feel better about the situation if their child has dated several people and still finds the first to be the best...if that makes sense. If she chooses him in the end.</p>
<p>what struck me is that he's a college junior, this relationship seems to have already survived past the point where most would not have. Did he go to college outside of your town?</p>
<p>I agree with frazzled, many parents live to regret seeming negative about a bf. It's will be hard for your daughter not to see your comments as critism of him. OP, your comments here do come off as your not liking the boy. Are you sure your daughter hasn't picked up on this?</p>
<p>Just for the record, I was worried about roomie when we moved our D in...ALL the pictures she brought (she went a week early so they were already on the walls) were of her BF who's only an hour away...roomie suggested that D and BF use the room. I advised our D against that because I knew roomie would want the favor returned and with him that close, it could turn into a weekend thing. She our daughter was "sexiled" last weekend. Roomie is gone this weekend...but still....I'm probably really sounding like MY MOM here (lol)....regardless of who's inconvenienced, I don't think it's the right thing to do.</p>
<p>This was my first attempt EVER at posting on any type of forum and some of the replys seem kind of harsh, although I know everyone means well. YOURS, however, was kind and to the point...you understand where I am coming from and I appreciate the support. I agree with all that staying out of it is best...I was really just wrestling with whether or not my silence was sending the message that I thought it was great for them to share her dorm room...no matter how great the guy, we wouldn't find that appealing...especially the first week of freshman year! Ditto fully on the part about liking your D's BF as a person but not a boyfriend...that's exactly where I'm coming from...and you'll be proud...every time they've broken up, I've held my tongue and not said exactly what was on my mind....thank heavens. We are very friendly people...popular with our kids friends, so I have no doubt if this is what she wants when it's time to choose a mate, we'll accept him with open arms. Thanks so much again.</p>
<p>triplemom:
I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. I really didn't mean to. I would say the same thing to my kids, though. I'd probably be disgusted about the bf visiting (or maybe disappointed is a better word), but I'd be even more disgusted if they had been inconsiderate to their roommate.</p>
<p>I can understand the concern...its natural...and I think it is healthy to come here, a neutral place, to </p>
<p>get advice
vent a little
hear other's stories
clarify our own thoughts
see one is not alone
talk about stuff without making our spouse crazy</p>
<p>WHile it is not the end of the world, we all want college to be that place where our kids see ALL the possibilites- in relationships, activities, education, etx., and when we see that they are limiting themselves from experiences that might help them grow, explore and open up their worlds, it is tough to watch the world perhaps not being as large as is possible</p>
<p>this may be a great relationship, it may not, but as parents, so long as everyone is safe and they student is holding up their end of the bargain by attending classes, getting passing grades (especially if we are footing the bill and signing on the loans-don't care if anyone says it is not my business, they don't have to get straight A.s but should be passing), anyway, if they miss out on some great friends, etc. that is a choice they made, and now is the time to learn and make mistakes, and realize that maybe sometimes their choices may not hav been the best ones...and hopefully not get hurt in the process....</p>
<p>it is tough being a parent...we have to let go, but we are also the ones who pick up the pieces....</p>
<p>We obviously have differing views. I don't consider a "controlling parent" to be one who still wants to influence good morals and sound judgement! If the general view is that 18+college='s complete maturity no wonder so many mistakes are being made.</p>
<p>Hey thanks and NO PROBLEM...I didn't think you were being harsh...I agree but don't feel sorry for roomie...she unfortunately brought it on herself.</p>
<p>wow....so eloquent and right on target. thanks so much...i do feel better...in the whole scheme of things it's not that big a deal but you know how it is, sometimes things we think are fine are not and by the time you realize, it's too late...that's the hard part of parenting.</p>