<p>zagat
Yes, I did kind of get out of control here sounding more negative about the boy than I/we are...I think I've just been frustrated. D and I have a great relationship...very open...so she knows some of the concerns we have but by the same token we are welcoming and inclusive with him...including him when it seems appropriate. Re his college...it's 1 1/2 hours from our town, but he came back practically every weekend. This is one concern...there's so much world out there for both and we think it's best for both to experience it...but like citygirlsmom said, we can't really keep them from making those mistakes. Thanks!</p>
<p>Triplemom, I'm no expert since I'm still in this stage with my kids but I'll pass on some advice from an older and wiser friend.... try to avoid treating every significant other as your next son-in-law. Try to be neutral.... you are friendly and welcoming to all your daughters friends (and your other children's friends.... regardless of gender, regardless of the type and nature of the relationship). Keep a warm, pleasant tone, don't behave as if he were auditioning to join the family, don't over-react if you're not happy with where the relationship is going.... he's your daughters friend, not her fiance.</p>
<p>I found this to be wise advice. First, because it's hard as a parent to see our kids doing something if we're not 100% on board-- but you never know if your disapproval is going to throw them closer together, or if the dynamic is such that your antipathy (not to him personally... but the situation) is the fuel that makes the relationship work. So don't fuel that fire.... just stay friendly and non-judgemental. Second, because these early relationships usually don't last, and the last thing she needs is your voice in her head if she's trying to break it off. Third, it saves a lot of wear and tear on the middle aged body and heart if you don't invest in every boyfriend, even if some tend to hang on longer than you'd like.... they come, they go, and do you really have the emotional strength to keep up with it all?</p>
<p>Sounds like your daughter knows that if she wants to talk you're there for her... so back off and let this thing die a natural death without you hovering.</p>
<p>^^^ "try to avoid treating every significant other as your next son-in-law. Try to be neutral...." EXCELLENT advice and something I figured out around about girlfriend #3.</p>
<p>blossom</p>
<p>Excellent post, something I've been struggling with
thanks for passing on the advice!</p>
<p>triplemom, I apologize if my post sounded overly harsh. I didn't intend it to be that way.</p>
<p>My view is different from everyones here, but Ill give it because maybe there is something in it that you might find useful.</p>
<p>I think all this stuff really depends on what sort of relationship you have with your kid. If, for example, you have made awful-choice-after-awful-choice when it comes to these kinds of things, then if you all of a sudden start criticizing your kid for doing basically the same things youve been doing all along, it is will obviously cause problems. But if youve proven the wisdom of your views over a long period of time, so that your kid respects what she sees in you, then I really dont think there is any problem at all with giving your kid an opportunity to benefit of your well-proven wisdom. You sound like a pretty cool mom to me. So I think it safe to assume youre this latter sort of parent.</p>
<p>At this point, your kid is the president of her life. But I dont think it is wise for any president to act without wise counselors. So, Id put the thing out like that to my kid. Basically, Id just say something like this:</p>
<p>I want you to know I respect you, and that I know your life is now your own. Ill shut up if you want. But you need to know I love you and want to advise you on stuff I think is important. Obviously you dont have to follow my counsel. But I am wondering if maybe you might at least like to know what my counsel is so that you can think on it and see if maybe there is some truth in it?</p>
<p>If she gives the green light, then Id tell her my honest opinion in pretty much the way youve laid it out here. Id be absolutely clear about it too with not even a shred of emotion-- strictly business. And I would support my view with facts. Then Id reiterate that I am behind her however she decides to live her life, that I am just acting as counselor, motivated by love, but one who is well aware that I have no authority to demand anything. I would let her know that as one of her counselors, I thought it was my duty to give this point of view, and that she should do with it as she thinks best.</p>
<p>My view is, parents are still parents no matter where their kids are or how old they are. And if we have good relationships with our kids, there just ought not be any harm with our sitting down over coffee and hearing from one another about stuff in our lives. Yeah, sometimes we dont want to hear the stuff we are told, but being pleased with the news aint a realistic part of the deal if you are gonna let people be honest enough to help you. What good is a counselor who is too afraid to tell the truth as he or she sees it?</p>
<p>So I say if you can establish enough trust so that your kid can sense that nothing you say will be said for purely selfish reasons that she can sense you actually see potential problems with this guy (I see them too, based on what you are saying), and that you think she should be aware of them, I say do it. Just keep encouraging your kid to reject your view if she really thinks that is what she ought to do. Also encourage her to accept your view if she honestly thinks it has merit. Maturity is in doing what you think is right, despite that youd rather not. Just be prepared. If your kid rejects your view, you cant get all bent outta shape. Just say, Okay madam president. Im always here in case this doesnt work out (or even if it does), to help you come up with new strategies.</p>
<p>My goodness. I hope even when I am 90 that my kids will still want to kick the can with me to see what I think about things. They dont have to follow it. I just want them to hear it, in case I really do know what I am talking about.</p>
<p>Thats how I see it. Sorry for the rambling. Just dropped off my kid today. Mind spinning like mad. I may have said stuff here I dont really mean. So, please try to cut me some slack. :(</p>
<p>blossom....wonderful advice...he's been the only BF so far so i haven't had the come and go experience...he goes, but comes back again! (lol) Sometimes she wants me to be even more inclusive than we already are as far as he is concerned and after reading your comment, I'm glad that I've tried to stay somewhat neutral...thanks again, great advice.
19382: thanks.</p>
<p>THANK YOU! You and I are right on the same page....yes, I do feel I have the type of relationship with her that I can and do want to help guide her...I I LOVE your analogy of being a counselor or advisor, that is just what I was hoping to learn....what type of role I should assume now. I am so comfortable with that line of thinking...I am so proud of our daughter and the wonderful adult she will soon be. I am lucky to have a close, loving relationship with both my own mother and my mother-in-law....I seek advice often and always appreciate their wisdom...I, too, hope that my kids will want to "kick the can" with me when I'm 90...actually I hope I make it to 90!Thank you so much for your honesty and perspective. I will sleep well tonight. :-) Hope everything goes well for the one you just dropped off...it's an adjustment...for everyone. Thanks again for taking the time to share your wisdom. I'm constantly learning, wanting to be the best parent I can be.</p>
<p>Well good. The kids may not always wish to hear what we have to say. And that’s okay. The important thing I’d like mine to know is that I am a resource they can lean on if they wish it. Once they know that, then I have no need to be pushy. They’ll come to me when they need. But my goodness! Wouldn’t it be a travesty if they were in a bind but never approached us because they thought we approved or thought we never really thought of these things, or that we’d just be too emotional, preachy, or whatever? I’ve been shifting to counselor mode for the last few years. Now, the thing is pretty much finished. I’m down about it. A part of me wishes I could have what I used to have all back again. But, it’s time. Generally, we, you and I, and many parents like us, have done good enough. We can let ‘em go now.</p>
<p>How did Dylan Thomas put it?, We can “go gentle into that god-awfulness”? Hmmmm. Actually, Thomas encouraged us NOT to go gentle into that god-awfulness. If I recall, he wrote:</p>
<p>Do not go gentle into that god-awfulness,
Old parents should whine and rage all the doggone day;
Rage, rage against your feebleness.</p>
<p>Though at this time wise folk pursue childlessness,
Because their words were being ignored they
Do not go gentle into that god-awfulness.</p>
<p>Good folk, the last wave “bye, bye”, crying how in perfectness
Their children would learn should they stay,
Rage, rage against your feebleness.</p>
<p>Civilized folk who buy sheets with carelessness,
Only to learn, too late, of the “extra long” way,
Do not go gentle into that god-awfulness.</p>
<p>Sad folk, who think they are due a little tenderness,
Some understanding on that fateful day,
Rage, rage against your feebleness. </p>
<p>And look at me, pert near a doggone mess,
Don’t curse, but bless my loud tears, I pray.
I can’t go gentle into that god-awfulness.
I must rage, rage against my feebleness.</p>
<p>LOL (how elegant!).</p>
<p>Triplemom, I thought I would address another concern you raised: my daughter's bf came to visit her this weekend at college and I expect that it is likely they will be seeing each other on alternate weekends (his college is in Boston, hers in New York). I know that after bf arrived on campus, my daughter went to a party (with him of course). I don't get the impression that bf's presence as a visitor limits her participation in college life in any way -- in fact, I think it may be less of an intrusion than if she had a boyfriend close by or was open to a new relationship and perhaps dating different guys regularly during the week as well as weekends. If anything, she will be motivated to focus on her studies during the week, and when the bf is around they will probably participate in whatever social activities/entertainment is slated that weekend on campus or in whichever city they are visiting. I don't think either one of them would enjoy spending all weekend shut inside a college dorm room -- they will be out and about, eating meals in the dining hall or local eateries, being a part of campus life. My d's father also mentioned that he felt more comfortable about the idea of her attending the party with her boyfriend to look out for her -- he had the idea that it was a wild frat party though my guess is that is just a father's overactive imagination -- but the point is that in his eyes, unknown strange college men present more of a risk than the kid we've known for 2 years now. </p>
<p>As to the roommate thing: it will be worked out in a way that the 2 can amicably agree on -- if they each have their own boyfriends and agree to alternate weekends -- well, it may not be your cup of tea, but it sounds like a fair trade to me. </p>
<p>I think we feel more positively about my d's bf than you feel about yours -- in our case, I don't quite see him as being a good candidate for a husband (but agree wholeheartedly with blossom's advice) -- but he is a very nice, intelligent young man who treats my daughter with respect and obviously adores her. I figure the relationship will last as long as it lasts, and for now - I know who my daughter is with, I know his parents, I know something about his background, etc. If your d. wasn't with her current bf, she would likely end up dating someone you don't know.. who could be more to your liking or who could be a whole lot worse. As they say, "better the devil you know...."</p>
<p>Total rathole comment ... I'm not sure if this is just me and my friends or the changing of the times. I would never in a million years have told my parent if someone was coming to visit for the weekend ... not because I was trying to hide anything from them but because my day-to-day life was no longer their business ... just as they didn't tell me what they were up to day-to-day.</p>
<p>3togo, Interesting perspective. I think there's a difference between not wanting to share information ("my day to day business was none of their business)and not being interested in asking for it ("just as they didn't share their day to day business.) I wonder if your parents wouldn't have told you "in a million years" what they were doing day-by-day? Or perhaps you weren't interested enough in their lives to ask? Ahhh, the difference in perspective between a parent and a child! JMO,but I hope I don't live to see the the day I say my kids "so what's up this weekend" and they say "none of your business". ;-)</p>
<p>question, if son brings girl home to visit for a weekend, do they share a room and bed?</p>
<p>this is going to come up for many of us, so wondering what parents attitudes are going to be...</p>
<p>will it depend on siblings in the house, will we put him on the sofa? would it matter how long they were going out? </p>
<p>they are adults, and I am not sure how I would be to be honest, if D was 19 and having sex in the next room</p>
<p>this is something we need to perhaps think about....jsut something to stir up the mornng conversation</p>
<p>
[quote]
Our next practice which will be run by Michael will take place this coming Monday at 5 p.m. at Warren field. Our next practice will be next Thursday at 5 p.m. at Warren field.
[/quote]
I almost wrote the following the first time I wrote ... I agreed to call my parents at least once a week so Sunday afternoons were our typical time to talk. If I called them every week and every time they innocently asked "what are you up to?" ... I either am always telling them what I'm doing or selectively picking what to tell them. </p>
<p>At this point I'm both a child and a parent but would describe the dynamic a little differently than the child not wanting to tell them. As my kids become adults I hope to maintain an open and honest channel of communication wth them and I hope they volunteer a lot of info to me ... and I hope to avoid communicating in a way that they interpret as my needing to know the details of their day-to-day life.</p>
<p>My mom's weekly "what are you doing?" question was probably an innocent conversation starter ... just as her request to know how to reach me in an emergency is a legitimate concern ... taking literally I was then supposed to tell my parents if I decided to head to my friends home for the weekend and frankly, that was none of their business unless I choose to tell them ... just as they do not now owe me their iternary before they decide to go somewhere with friends. The thing my mom never got is the odds of me telling her something had to be 100 times better if she didn't ask than if she did ... and I don't think that is that unusual for an 18-22 year old working their way to independence.</p>
<p>citygirlsmom:
you raise what i'm sure will be an interesting topic....if the two students are at home for the weekend would they share a bed? I'll weigh in....in our household, no they would not be invited to share. I brought my boyfriend (now my husband of 25 years) home many times during college and not only didn't my parents offer to have us share, we didn't expect it or resent it not being offered. My H and I feel the same way now about our kids. What they do when they are away is one thing, but I think it's just fine for parents of college age students to expect for their values, morals, etc. to be respected in their own home. I suppose, however, that as a child ages and is totally independent (as in financially) and is living together as a couple but still unmarried, I would have no problem with treating them as the adult couple they are when they visit my house. My H and I were 23 when we were married and neither of our families invited us to share a room, let alone a bed when we were visiting in their homes BEFORE we were married. I tend to think that was the right thing to do.....in many ways, those were the good old days....there was a strong regard for the institution of marriage. A friend mentioned to me recently the old saying "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free"....haha....there's probably some truth to that. I'll be interested to hear what others think about your new topic!</p>
<p>Okay, so I am the old fashioned one here. NO way they would be sharing room or bed in my house, especially if there are younger siblings in the house. What they do when they are away at school you can't control but you can control your own household. I agree with triplemom11 on all points. It's about respect. If you were talking about a financially independent couple who are out of school and are in a living together relationship I might feel differently but that is not the situation you describe.</p>
<p>Agree with posters above. Have one son married now and even when they were engaged, they did not share a bed in our home or her parents' home when visiting---though I'm sure at their schools it was a different situation. If I had an adult child who was living independently with a lover, then it might be different---I hope I don't have to deal with that situation.</p>
<p>I am interested in why so many of us have a problem with our kids’ having unmarried sex in our homes, but seem fine with their having unmarried sex at school. Why be so adamant about it in one place, and not in another? I understand we feel we have a right to ban this behavior in our homes. But why do we feel this desire to ban it?</p>
<p>I know the answer to this for myself. But I am curious how others have come to their views.</p>
<p>It's a don't ask, don't tell situation. :).</p>
<p>D wouldn't even dream of thinking she could sleep with a boyfriend in my house. If she brought one home, there would be beds for them in separate rooms,and I would lead him into his room, and make sure her stuff went into hers. Perhaps she wouldn't ask, because she knows I wouldn't approve at college or at home. The rules are clear. If she does, and I don't know, I can do nothing about it, but she knows without my saying anything that it isn't anything that I approve. If I thought it was going on at college, she would know because I would tell her I disapprove. Ifsomething isn't right in my home, it isn't right at college, either.</p>