Help! Daughter has buyers remorse

Parents Forum
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<p>My D’s former boyfriend had a similar experience. He wanted a small-midsized, suburban college with nice weather. He also wanted he & D to go to college together. Their lists ended up with 3 schools that overlapped, and 3 that did not. He convinced D to apply ED to one of their colleges - and because she was sure it was her first choice anyway, and we thought it was a great fit for her, we allowed it. His parents would not allow him to apply ED to keep his scholarship options open, so he applied EA. In the end, a nearby large, urban, northern univ with a unique and well-respected program in his major offered him a large scholarship and a spot in their honors program. It was too good to turn down, so enrolled. </p>

<p>All summer he was “down,” because his friends (including D) were so excited about their colleges and he was not excited about his. He felt like there was something wrong because of that.</p>

<p>When D left for her college, 800 miles away, he went into a deep funk. His college was one of the last to start, so he was sitting home alone while everyone else had left and was facebooking how great their college was. When he finally got to his college, he was still in a funk. He was texting D virtually non-stop (I have the phone records). It was cold, city life was stressful, he didn’t like the people there, etc. His parents finally told him he could transfer anywhere he wanted - EXCEPT D’s college. </p>

<p>D tried to be supportive, but eventually got tired of his being so dependent and smothering her. So at Halloween, she broke up with him. As she suspected, it was the best thing she could do for him. His roommates and new acquaintances at big urban U rallied around him for support, and since he no longer spent 24/7 with his face in his phone texting D, he made new friends. In 2 months he had a new GF from his univ, got involved with other friends and activities, and now he is happy as a clam.</p>

<p>Point being - he was so busy looking at what he DIDN’T have and how his school wasn’t what he wanted that he didn’t look at what he DID have and what was right with his school. </p>

<p>This only worked because his parents stuck to their guns that this was the best school for him professionally and financially.</p>

<p>So, OP, your D isn’t the only one who isn’t “excited” about her college. She needs to remember WHY it was on her list originally - she had to have liked something about it or she wouldn’t have applied - and give it a chance.</p>

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<p>Cathmom, I’d also, as others have suggested, explore with her the reasons why she’s feeling this way, what she sees as her options (and any you see), etc. Right before my son left for college, he was extremely down, both in general and on his choice. I suggested we review just why he was going to this school, and he said, “Because I didn’t get in anywhere else.” WHA-HUH? Oh, yes, he did, and I was shocked at his perception of the situation. He didn’t get into his top 3 choices (real reach schools) and had gotten waitlisted at several reach schools, so this may have shaped his current thoughts. </p>

<p>I pointed out that he’d gotten into a highly ranked LAC that he had decided not to even do Accepted Students Weekend at. “Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.” And a top-ranked state school (OOS) that he’d decided against for his current choice of an excellent small LAC. “Oh, yeah, I hadn’t thought about that one.” And so forth. </p>

<p>He’s a smart kid, but I think the emotional roller coaster of the admissions process and the anxiety of leaving HS friends for an unfamiliar place had warped his perceptions. And now, four years later, he’s graduating from that LAC and going to a top grad school. He absolutely adores his school and all the friends he made there. So I’d take time to just explore your D’s feelings and perceptions about what’s going on. That may be all the action needed–maybe not, but it’s worth a try!</p>

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<p>Gap year!</p>

<p>taking a gap year is not a fall back position, it may be what’s best for all kids. Work, volunteer, travel and then show up to your freshman year more mature and ready to get more out of college</p>

<p>[Harvard</a> College Admissions § Applying: Taking Time Off](<a href=“http://www.admissions.college.harvard.edu/apply/time_off/index.html]Harvard”>http://www.admissions.college.harvard.edu/apply/time_off/index.html)</p>

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<p>I love your attitude. I would freak out even when I know better with these kids. Gap year is a good idea if financial aid and the best slate of schools is what you want. There will be a list of schools in May with openings and she should peruse it, but it is more limited than what she could choose if she waited for the next admissions season. She can also sit on what she has as well.</p>

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<p>How about Eckerd College in Florida?</p>

<p>They have rolling admissions, and I know of someone who last year was also not wild about her choices and applied mid-April.</p>

<p>She was accepted at Eckerd and visited, although she ultimately decided to attend the school she wasn’t thrilled about.</p>

<p>Here is my trip report on the school:</p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/eckerd-college/677790-eckerd-trip-report.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/eckerd-college/677790-eckerd-trip-report.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>I do not know your daughter. What I do know is that some high school girls are downright giddy about most everything. However, my daughter was not. She never got that “This is It!” feeling from a college visit. She never thought any school was perfect and I think that it was extremely difficult for her to be around all the excitement. She, by the way, is very happy with the school she chose.</p>

<p>Is it possible that your daughter just is a little more shy and less exuberant about her decision? Could she just feel as though she should be as happy as everyone else–even if that really isn’t her personality? Just my two cents…</p>

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<p>I had this exact same situation last year with my daughter. Applied to and was accepted at 12 colleges (yah, I know). We visited almost everyone of them! </p>

<p>she decided that she wanted to stay closer to home and would go to our State school. She was not thrilled, but she was glad she made her choice. But I kept feeling like she was not telling me everything, so I kept digging. In mid-April last year we made one more trip to Iowa State…she spent the night and when she got in the car the next morning, she was sparkling! She would not stop talking…thought my ears were gonna bleed by the time we got back to Chicago.</p>

<p>LOL So we got our money back for our housing, less a small penalty and sent in our request for housing and acceptance to Iowa State on the last day of April! </p>

<p>All in all i believe it worked out exactly as it should have. She LOVES her campus, her friends, her classes and she cannot wait for the next adventure.</p>

<p>Sometimes they just don’t know how to verbalize exactly what they feel they are missing.</p>

<p>I think that both sides of this are valid. However, I do agree about trying to avoid the transfer process. Little scholarship money, tough to make friends and it is stressful starting all over again. </p>

<p>Good Luck to you both!!</p>

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<p>^^Go Cyclones!</p>

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<p>Thank you all SO MUCH for your insightful responses. It really is possible that the “right” answer for one is the wrong answer for another - that’s what makes something like this so difficult. I can only do what so many of us do and that is go by my gut. In our case, I think I need to let this play out a little bit. She has spent the weekend researching schools in Texas, where we have family in 3 cities. It’s a nice compromise in that she would get to spread her wings but would know that she had some back-up (plus a few places to go if she needs to get away for a weekend). I’m going to make a few calls tomorrow, to see if these schools still have spots available. They all have rolling admissions but we’re allowing for the possibility that some of them may have no room left.</p>

<p>I set some ground rules and one of them was that my costs couldn’t increase. She actually found one school (attended by my nephew & his now-wife) that would cut my costs by $10M a year! Anyway, we’ll see where this leads us. At least she will be able to say that we gave this a fair shot (albeit a quick one). If it takes us past May 1st, then I think the worst that could happen would be that I would lose the $300 I have paid to school #1. </p>

<p>Again, thank you all and I will post again once we have an answer. In the meantime, feel free to post any additional suggestions for great schools in Texas that might still have room for one (small) girl from the Midwest.</p>

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<p>If she feels like she needs to change things - please let her do it. I didn’t and I still regret it. Please, please let her do this. If her gut is telling her this is wrong, she needs to change.</p>

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<p>It might be tough to go to a school with only luke warm interest. Is she serious enough about not wanting to go there that she is willing to do a gap year, maybe taking some community college classes and working?</p>