I tried to search the forum for threads about this, but no success.
Daughter and her SO will be freshmen at colleges 4 hours apart. They have decided not to attempt to maintain a long-distance relationship. Thus she is very sad about anything relating to starting at her new school … even while shopping for dorm furnishings and preparing for orientation … because it will mean leaving her SO behind. We were hoping she would be looking forward to the new experience (besides not having to live with Mom and Dad!) but this seems to be inhibiting her from engaging.
Any suggestions, experiences, or words of wisdom? No doubt many of you have been touched by this. Thanks in advance.
She’s mourning the upcoming loss of the relationship. It’s very understandable. Give her some extra hugs. Tell her that you understand and that you’re there for her if she wants to talk about it. Once the school year starts and she’s living in the dorms and develops a social life and makes some new friends, her mourning will likely wane and fade away. She’s never been to college before, so she doesn’t realize that breaking up with the boyfriend isn’t going to be the end of the world. But to an 18 yr old girl, it’s not only a big deal, but THE biggest deal ever, especially if he’s her first serious relationship.
Her attitude might change a bit during/after orientation.
Best not to say too much. Highly likely that whatever you say will be “all wrong because you don’t know anything about it.” She will snap out of it by mid October. Just a guess, really.
No words of wisdom, but I am here to commiserate. My S recently began his first relationship and is not interested in thinking about or planning for school this fall. They will be closer together than your D and her SO, but without cars, and with demanding majors, I doubt they will have much time to try to see each other. I have no idea if they’ve discussed whether to try to keep this going or not. My only plan at the moment is to be supportive of his wishes. If they want to try to keep seeing each other, I’ll try to help make that happen. I’m finding this especially upsetting since S is not a talker. I can only imagine what’s going on in his head.
There is a lot of emotion wrapped up in going away to college. Both my D’s were alternately excited and terrified about going away and all the planning involved. For D2, there is a SO and an upcoming long distance relationship involved and that has added particularly to the terrified side of things. I think it just adds to the unknowns. Give your daughter extra time to deal with that side of things, while helping her see that the unknowns may very well be good things–at least that’s the approach we are taking. For our D, she seemed to hit a turning point recently and began looking forward instead of back, with a more positive attitude. I’m hoping that continues.
Be happy they are breaking up. There is nothing you can say or do to make her feel better. This is her personal loss, she is going to have to mourn it in her own way.
Dd went away to freshman year leaving her bf still in hs. He picked a different college, she transferred, everyone pooh-poohed, three years on they are still together.
OP, if your DD and her SO have decided to break it off, I would let it play out and if she brings it up, be sympathetic but non-committal. Maybe there are incidents in your past that you can relate? Loves that I have lost, blah, blah and talk going forward, etc.
I think folks are probably right about a lot of different emotions … it’s a big school, no other friends going there (a few acquaintances) so it’s undoubtedly intimidating to her sometimes, as well.
Support your child but allow her to mourn the end of her relationship. It is what it is. I won’t comment on the breakup (or any relationship). Give her space.
Also allow her some breathing space in this college thing. She just finished applying, visiting, and choosing a college, as well as prom (if they went), high school graduation, and possibly more highlighting that a big part of her life is ending. Breaking up is one more event in this transition. She is probably unsure what her life holds the following fall for the first time. It’s okay if she needs/wants a break from thinking about dorm furnishings.
Last summer, D and her BF delayed making any decision about their relationship. They didn’t want to think about it. Going away to college was a big deal and I think they just couldn’t process one more decision. So, they tried the LDR. That lasted until October. D realized the LDR was interfering with her experience. But the two remained friendly and in touch. Over winter break, they reconnected but remained broken up. Now, they appear to be back together. This summer, they are more comfortable with the fall separation - they know better how to handle (or not handle) an unknowable future.
Kids going off to college are experiencing a few major life stressors at the same time; moving, changing schools (about the same as a job change) and relationship changes. While difficult, making this change before she starts school will give her time to deal with it before her other changes occur. There will be no wondering where their relationship stands and she will be able to focus on a new school, new classes, new friends etc… Let her deal with the grief of a relationship ending and do what needs to be done to prepare her for her new adventure. Best wishes.
In my freshman dorm I remember seeing the hometown BFs & GFs end, one by one all year. The last holdout lasted until Spring. My friend regretted putting his social life on hold that long for no reason. Probably right to end it now, it will be sad, as will losing many things that seem important now. I agree with the above that by October, probably sooner, she will be living a new life that will seem distant from this one and this will no longer hurt. Best wishes with this!
Although it is very likely that by October or November, both your daughter and her SO will have moved on in their lives, it may be best not to mention this because there is a possibility that it may not happen.
Although it is atypical, the two of them might decide that the relationship meant more to them than they realized, and they might get back together and try to make a long-distance relationship work. And, although it’s difficult, they might succeed.
I speak from personal experience. The summer before college, I got involved with a guy two years older than me who went to a college six hours away from the college where I would be going in the fall. We went off to school with no commitment and with the intention of dating others. But we ended up visiting each other despite the distance and resuming our relationship. Two years later, he enrolled in a graduate program at my university, in part because we wanted to be together. And two years after that, we got married.
If my parents (or his parents) had told us that it was good that we weren’t planning to continue our summer relationship after the new semester started, I would have resented it later when things turned out very differently.
If this were my child, I would praise her for her wisdom in ending her relationship before starting a new chapter in life. I’d remind her that right now, all she knows is what she is feeling in the moment. The rest is pure imagination. She is imagining being overwhelmed or lonely in college, but these feelings will likely not be the reality once she gets there.
If she has gone through similar transitions in the past, remind her how well she coped, and the positive steps she took to get through a hard time.
Oh, that’s too bad. It sounds like they took the “mature” road, probably listening to what those around them were suggesting or expressing, and your D may now be having second thoughts. Its stressful enough to go away from home, start with a new school, and now do it without your SO. I think I’d go with the “everything happens for a reason and take it day by day and see where the future road takes you”.
FWIW, my D and her BF schools are about 2.5 hours apart from each other and I thought for sure there would be a “turkey drop”. Nope. They manage to see each other about once a month. Then D decided to stay at school and do research for the summer (4.5 hours away) and again I thought “well, he’s not going to like this, it’ll be the end”. Nope. He has already driven up there twice to see her and she’s coming home 4th July. I think some “kids” can make the long distance relationship work if they aren’t the type to need 24 hour reassurance. I would never have thought this to be true but my 25 year old niece who went away to school for 4 years leaving her BF behind except for holiday weekends and summers just married that high school sweetheart last weekend, so it can happen
Best of luck in sorting this out. I hope she manages to put a smile on and take a positive approach to starting school.
I would simple be a sympathetic listener and just encourage her in whatever ways she seems to need support. They may get back together in the future and you want her to remember that you were supportive of her emotional turmoil, not the decision to break up.
My dh and I started dating in high school. He is a yr older than me and went away to college. His mother told me I was ruining his future and college experience bc we didn’t break up before he left. Dh and I have now been married for 30 yrs and our relationship with his parents has never been close. (They interfered in other ways as well, but my main point is that comments do impact relationships in the future.)
I think a lot of “Oh, yes, this is tough…I think you two are making a mature decision but yes, a tough situation” kind of words.
My DD did that with her BF who was going to college when she was a Senior in HS…THey both really liked each other but he was going to school in the Mountain states and she was on east coast…but now they both have new BF/GFs
My daughter broke up with her boyfriend just after high school graduation (after a 2 week vacation with his family) but it was already a long distance relationship (we’d moved during high school) and he spent at least a year pressuring her to go to college in California (which wasn’t going to happen). I was doing the happy dance as I’d been afraid she was going to spend all her time plotting how to visit him. He still hung on until she got another boyfriend and then blamed me for the breakup.
Now this daughter is in another long distance relationship as the boy she met in the college town doesn’t live in town anymore. He moved back home and it is about 2.5 hours from school and 4 hours from our home. Last summer she worked in a camp in the mountains and spent the summer trying to figure out how to see him. This spring she did an internship and he rode a BUS 25 hours each way to see her. She’s living in his town this summer but it is back to school this fall for her and I really want her to go to a semester abroad next spring because otherwise I think she’ll get married and I don’t think she’s ready.
Other daughter is the opposite, separated from her college boyfriend for the summer, but she’s going there for a week in July and he’s coming here in august, and then she’ll fly back with him and they’ll drive to college. He graduated in May but is returning for a masters. Next May they’ll have to decide on life as she’ll still have a year left and he’ll be looking for a permanent job.
