<p>Now it's late May. My child, who got accepted to the LAC of his dreams, is now thinking that he wishes he'd gone to a state university instead. Why? It's cheaper and it's more "amorphous." He's afraid that if he tries going to the college he worked so hard to get into, it will mold him in ways that may alter his identity. It's too late for him to defer, and I believe the other school has already filled up for this year. And my gut feeling is that the dream school was actually a great choice for him. I suspect he's just panicking and worrying that the other kids will be pretentious. Any advice, parents???</p>
<p>Don’t most kids have buyer’s remorse???
Mine certainly does! She is a slow-to-warm kid anyway who does this all the time and I KNOW this summer will be filled with anxiety and angst but once she gets there she will be just fine. I am a semi-tough love advocate with her. Good luck!</p>
<p>Ask him whether he thinks He is pretentious. Why should the other students be? Most likely, they are just like him in most ways.</p>
<p>I think this is not so much a case of buyer’s remorse as of cold feet. College has finally become real and soon rather than a dream or a goal. He’ll be getting out of his comfort zone, he’s ll be leaving home and facing the unknown. Lend a sympathetic ear, do fun things together, plan on what to buy for the dorm, etc… If there is a website for admitted students, encourage him to check it out and contribute to it, if possible.</p>
<p>Thank you, guys. He did go on the admitted students’ site–I think that’s partly why he feels so intimidated/disdainful/nervous. I am a little worried that on that kind of board, students are trying to impress each other as much as connect (because they’re all nervous teenagers, too).</p>
<p>Sounds like buyer’s remorse. Remind him that if he doesn’t like his LAC, he can transfer, and it would be far easier to transfer from his LAC to the public than to do the reverse.</p>
<p>More than likely, his concerns will blow over if you don’t take them seriously. After all, it’s not as if this is a life or death situation.</p>
<p>Let me ask you a question: is this the first time he’s ever second-guessed himself? Is this the first manifestation of anxiety? I can’t judge his concerns but you can by putting them in the context of the him you know so well. I have a hyper-achieving child who defines perfectionist anxiety. If she weren’t anxious and second-guessing herself about something, I’d get worried. If your kid has always been sure, never anxious, then you give more weight to his worry.</p>
<p>That’s a thought, Lergnom. No, he doesn’t usually second guess himself. So that is something I should think about.</p>
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<p>Of course it will! It will raise his critical thinking skills to a new level, it will expose him to a campus culture in which everyone strives for achievement, it will challenge him to develop a life of meaning instead of a mere income. Those things are fundamental identity influencers, and that’s what justifies the cost. He doesn’t have to become a neo-hippie or intellectually geeky. There are athletic teams, there are artists, there are techies, and often, there are techie artist-athletes! Tell him to push through the buyer’s remorse (my D had it too - sobbing and all), and trust the instincts that got him into one of the most special places in the entire world of higher education. If it was the college of his dreams, and he was the applicant of its desires, he’s meant to be there.</p>
<p>Endicott, is it possible to visit the dream school again while summer classes and/or research projects are underway? Not for the purpose of dragging out his decision (which is made, right?), but for the purpose of meeting some current students and maybe hanging out in the cafeteria to chat for a while. Current students have already found a place in the pecking order and are less likely to spend any effort posturing and trying to impress or one-up him (at least, that’s been my observation so far).</p>
<p>Maybe the Admissions staff would be willing to hook him up with a student host who’d introduce him around a bit, even host him overnight. I bet he’d find the experience reassuring… and knowing a few familiar, friendly faces on campus sure couldn’t hurt him at the start of the semester.</p>
<p>gadad is right, any school is going to mold him in some way. He should try it and change if he does not like it. Perhaps it is like a true/false test, go with your first gut feeling (he applied and got in – so there is a match), don’t over analyze it, or you frequently change the answer from the correct one.</p>
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<p>Good heavens, we’re talking college here, not plastic surgery!</p>
<p>As a young adult smart enough to get into a top LAC, I’m sure he won’t allow himself to be molded in any way he doesn’t choose.</p>
<p>Thank you, people! I feel so sure that this is the right place for him. Even now, he has nothing really nice to say about the other school except that it will be (basically) easier. He’s used to being in the top of the heap, and now I think he’s feeling like a fraud, that everyone else reads more than he does, knows more than he does, is more passionate about books than he is. I really think he’s selling himself very short. They did choose him (and yeah, GAdad, I think we know what college we’re talking about here) very specifically because of his passion. I really feel that at that college, he’s going to get very specific help and attention or his own unique passions. Surely lots of kids are terrified of going wherever they’re going, right? It’s strangely reassuring to think that your daughter was sobbing and then she got to love it.</p>
<p>Remind him that all of those on the Facebook page are trying to make themselves seem worthy of being there. A lot of insecurity and exaggeration running around the boards this time of year. If he liked it when he visited, he saw it in it’s more natural form. Also, there is something about the anxiety and pending separation that just gets to some more than others. Friends all planning together to go to the local school while he is gong off may make him feel even more separated. They may be giving him those little jabs out of jealously, too. </p>
<p>Let him know you will stand behind his decision to transfer if he is really not happy after he gets there and gives it a fair chance. But his anxiety is a natural reaction to the unknown. It is what he does with it when he gets there that will be important.</p>
<p>A lot of kids are worried about the academics; can I succeed, will it be too hard for me, will I flunk out, will all the other kids be smarter than me, etc. Take a look at the graduation statistics and the freshman to sophomore retention statistics. If it truly was difficult for accepted kids to make it, those figures would show.<br>
I wouldn’t worry about this buyer’s remorse phase - it is just a phase. I would worry (or encourage action) if after a semester at his LAC he still feels that way.</p>
<p>He is probably intimidated because the school he chose has a reputation of academic powerhouse, and he is not sure he can cut it. The fact that they accepted him means that he can. There could also be some peer pressure from his friends who feel like they are going to have four years of fun at the other school.
His first semester is pass-fail, which takes off a lot of pressure. He can try a variety of classes, and see the expectations and the level of work involved. I am sure he will be just fine.
And yes, I am sure he can transfer to the state school if he decides in a year that he made mistake - but not the other way around.</p>
<p>I went to a Freshman parents’ panel. There were famous Harvard profs on it; and every single one of them told of struggling through freshman year. Maybe they were exaggerating their struggles in order to reassure parents, but it is not uncommon. I know I struggled!</p>
<p>When I suggested going on the admitted students’ website, I was thinking more of students sharing tips about housing, fun things to do, ECs, not students trying to impress one another and reassure themselves the college did not make a mistake in admitting them! So maybe you tell your son the students are not pretentious, just insecure–just like him!:)</p>
<p>Endicott - D1 got into Harvard EA from an unexceptional rural county HS, was thrilled, accepted and pulled all her other RD applications, said “OMG, what have I done?,” went through a period of self-doubt, met other students who were going and found them all pretty cool, then found that almost all of the school’s admits wonder at some point “Was I an admissions committee mistake?” She got there, found that everyone does in fact work very hard, but that when it’s the dominant cultural norm of the place and everyone’s doing it, it doesn’t seem so hard. If I’ve got the right college, it’s a peer institution of Harvard’s so I’d guess that most students there go through the self-doubt phase too. It’s also got a 4-year graduation rate of over 90% (and three percentage points higher than Harvard’s), so the admissions committee is pretty good at sizing up the applicants they admit. :)</p>
<p>Maybe you have alittle bit of fear, too, I think most parents do, even if they don’t admit it. Fear and anxiety from now until September are really common. Sometimes I think the kids sense it, too, so my advice (if you do have a niggling of fear) is to try to tamp down yours to help you offspring. If you have no fear, then know that the fear and anxiety pervades these kids whether they are going to the Tier 3 school 45 minutes from home or to a Tier 1 school 1,000 miles away.</p>
<p>Endicott,
My kid graduated from the school you are talking about. They don’t make mistakes in their admissions. 
The kids are NOT all pretentious. My kid couldn’t be further from that description and I met many of his friends. Please PM me if you want to talk further. I think that your S is going through what many kids go through at this time of year-buyer’s remorse.</p>