Help Editing My College Essay

<p>Florida State University is more than just a world-class academic institution preparing you for a future career. We are a caring community of well-rounded individuals who embrace leadership, learning, service, and global awareness. With this in mind, which of these characteristics appeals most to you and why?</p>

<p>I used to be uncomfortable telling people my age what to do. To be honest, the thought of ordering anybody around made me nervous. So if someone had told me in my freshman year, the first year I played for the varsity soccer team, that I would eventually be the captain, I probably would have laughed or blushed or both. I certainly would not have believed them. Diffidence has long been a flaw of mine, and it was not until recently that I was able to truly overcome my insecurities and exhibit leadership. </p>

<p>It all started when my coach approached me in my junior year asking me to organize Senior Night for the soccer team. This was the first time this level of responsibility had been entrusted to me, and it was only made heavier by the fact that the celebration was for my senior friends, the ones I respected and looked up to. The whole situation had put me into a sort of panic, especially since my coach gave me less than twenty-four hours to get everything in order. I had to scramble to get money together from the other underclassmen players and rush to delegate the important tasks that I would not have time to do. The event turned out well, and ultimately I gained a new perspective on the leadership abilities that I had not known I possessed. This opened my eyes to a wholly new set of opportunities.</p>

<p>When my coach again approached me during summer workouts, it was for a position on a different level from just organizing Senior Night. He wanted me to be captain of the soccer team in my senior year. This was a huge responsibility which would, in essence, hold me accountable for all of the intricacies of team management, including the scheduling of practices, fundraising for soccer camp, and organizing tryouts for the new underclassmen potentials. It was strange, but I found the prospect of these new tasks to be stimulating and exciting, and I embraced them with a newfound energy.</p>

<p>Diving headfirst into being a captain was in a lot of ways a terrifying experience, mainly because I was not accustomed to being the one sought out for advice and counsel. But for every time I felt nervous or unsure, there would be a parallel time in which I felt the sureness and inspiration of my new authority. My journey through the last two years really chronicles the maturation of an individual ready to face new challenges and embrace leadership in all its forms. I feel that I have truly become a student ready to face the challenges of the collegiate level, more specifically the rigor of the Florida State University community.</p>

<p>Also, I’ve been given advice to fix the opening sentence, but I don’t know how to do so.</p>

<p>“I used to be uncomfortable telling people what to do.”</p>