Help for Introverted Kid Who Doesn't Get the HS Awards

Parents Forum
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<p>Once again, my brainy D was passed over for the awards passed out at the HS assembly (Harvard Book award, whatever other college book award, school awards given by nomination from other students voted on by teachers, etc, etc) despite being top 5, best math and science student (no awards given), lead in the school musical, 1's at state solo and ensemble festival (choir director won't even announce this on the school announcements because she is the only student who even goes to this competition). She was devastated again. My heart is breaking. She is the reserved kid in class who is "nice" but not the extroverted, smiley kid who kisses up to anyone. She glows on stage, but is the thinker in the class. Her GC remarked to us at our meeting earlier this spring "I guess ... doesn't get the recognition she deserves here." This, WITHOUT our prompting. Of course, he does nothing to help.</p>

<p>Anyway, I was wondering if there might be some "outside" awards she might apply to that could help build her confidence. Of course, her teachers would never tell her of these since she's "invisible". I found the NFAA ARTS weebiste and will ask her to look at this. All you wonderful parents know so much. Can you help her?</p>

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<p>Quiltguru...I totally get your situation. I have posted here how at our school, often kids at the top of their game are passed over in terms of recognition here, oddly. I won't get into all that now. </p>

<p>I just want to pick up on your mention of the NFAA ARTS awards. Like your teachers, ours would never tell her of these, even though they receive information about them. But we found out about it on the musical theater forum on CC in fact. And so my D did apply/audition this past fall and actually was an ARTS Merit Award winner for the category of musical theater. She was the only winner in any category from our state even. I don't even know if our school knows she won (they know she auditioned as we made the video at school and they saw us doing so) and they surely don't care though you'd think the music department would take pride in it. At the last music concert a few nights ago when the music dept. head and chorus teacher talk about each graduating senior to the audience, she simply said about my D that she had so many achievements that we'd be here all night if she mentioned them and we wish her well next year (after mentioning for other kids who got into All States, etc. etc. which she has done and more). I don't care about that really but there was no mention of this award or any of her state awards which I don't recall anyone in our school ever getting for voice as she has. This is just a comment and not a complaint. It is typical however. There was something else far more disturbing that happened to my D that night at the concert which I have thought about venting here and did not get around to it but it fit totally into the comments I have made in the past here about this sort of thing. Maybe I will share it later but don't want to on this thread.</p>

<p>But that's the scoop on the ARTS awards and I recommend your D go for it!! There are several categories she might even try for. My D wanted to in more than one category but just could not fit it in with all her college auditions and applications at the time plus was in a musical 50 miles away every night. But she did audition for the musical theater category. If you have any questions specifically about it, give me a try.</p>

<p>Susan</p>

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<p>try looking here:
<a href="http://www.academiccompetition.org/contests.html%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.academiccompetition.org/contests.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

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<p>Here's a completely different approach. If you have some community papers you can send press releases and pictures about your D. Yes, it could be construed by some as bragging, but if the school isn't going to give your d the credit she deserves (especially the music dept.) you need to get it for her. </p>

<p>It can be as simple as "Susie Smith, a junior at Anywhere High School was named the Lead Vocalist in the Blah, Blah Blah Competition on May 31st. This is the 2nd time Susie has been selected to receive this honor". Or you can call the reporter who covers the local schools and let them know of your d's accomplishments. </p>

<p>You may also want to contact the State Chorale competition to see if they send out press releases and supply them with the names of your community papers. Once others start to see you Ds name in the papers they may start to look at her with new appreciation.</p>

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<p>Been there. My DD won first overall in Decathlon Region Honors Division, First in UIL Region Social Studies, Second UIL State SS, first in State (2 years) Citizen Bee, and did NOT get a SS award at graduation. I went to the department chair, and talked to her. Our school is only 4 years old, and my D made their reputation - they cite her accomplishments in new student orientation, etc., yet the school has done nothing to honor her. I asked how they chose the people - 4 teachers separately pick one student each with the highest grade in their 1 senior class! Now, my DD had very high A's in all her SS classes, but in senior year, one student beat her by one point in each of her 2 classes. They do not meet and decide who was best overall (all 4 yrs.). Pretty inane, isn't it? Dept. chair said DD had not been her student, so she couldn't nominate her. She also made the remark that they knew DD would get lots of rewards, so perhaps they were trying to spread the wealth and give it to someone who probabaly wouldn't get any. This happened to DD with the DAR award - after nominations, teachers came up to me and wanted to know where her name was ont he ballot, because they wanted to vote for her - but no one nominated her. Some asked her teachers, and they all said they knew someone else would nominate her, so they gave it to someone else who might not get it. Now, she might not have won, but she never even had the chance! They call on her whenever they need her for something, like going to competitions and represent their dept., but they don't acknowledge her accomplishments. About the awards, again, I found out math did it the same way, but the teachers that had the val knew he was the best in math overall, and they went to the senior teachers and made sure he got it. I spoke to DD's competition sponsor, and she said she couldn't say anything, because she didn't teach seniors. But she will talk to the chair and others and see if there is a better way. The problem is the perception of the awards by the dept. is divergent from that of the parents and students. The kids all came up to DD and were appalled that she hadn't gotten the award. They were also astonished that another girl had not gotten the science award. The award is called the SS or Science award, etc., but according to teachers it is a class award. Our dept. (I teach in the same school) gave DD the foreign language award (the only one she got), but we set up standards for overall 4 year participation). We give awards only to students who showed enough interest to get to AP, scored 4-5 on the test, and had high A's, and take other factors into account, such as taking more than one language, etc., and the languages with more than one teacher get together and compare notes before we choose. There were no surprises with our dept. (We had had the argument about giving it to students who ordinarily would not get an award, but shine in our dept., and we finally decided not to do that, but give it to the most deserving, even if it meant they might get all the awards - when they found out what happened to DD, the rest of the teachers decided that we were right after all - you can't count on what someone else may or may not do). The administration definitely needs to establish guidelines instead of letting the depts. do their own thing. Once I explained to DD what happened, she felt better. She is also the shy type who as sal has been passed over numerous times for awards. I never come to school and throw my weight around. DD does her own thing, and does not cozy up to anyone. She finally decided that one day, she will show them all when she meets her goal of being the next Condolleezza Rice. Interestingly, her sponsor for State Ctiizen Bee won a monetary award for working with the State champ - she received the books in the mail and gave them to DD, then drove her to competition. She even said she would feel funny taking the $, since she did nothing - my DD did it all. In front of my DD, another teacher asked her if she would be giving the $ to my DD, and she said she would if she weren't so poor! So, you see...I have always said that kids expect and deserve fairness from adults bit this world isn't fair, and DD has finally realized that her own accomplishments will have to suffice. She has won all kinds of things, but they don't seem to acknowledge that, either. It's what's inside and DD's self esteem that is carrying her. You can't change the system, but you can help your DD feel good about her accomplishments, and not rely so much on outside reaffirmation. It isn't easy, and quite frankly, this whole situation seems to have hurt me more than it did her. She has moved on (as will your DD) but it still bothers me. I wish I had some magical words with magical solutions, but it sounds like your DD and mine are twins, and I had none, either. Even winning didn't solve the other situation.</p>

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<p>My daughter is in the same boat (see thread...are HS awards important). She is top 6% of her class and the only top student who did not receive an award. ALL of the others did (and some multiple awards...not saying those kids were not deserving, they were). The GC at my kid's school says "she's so quiet". I felt like saying "SO WHAT!" Bottom line is DD knows it is unlikely that she will receive any school awards...period. She got academic excellence awards in all classes except history (got a B one marking period). She was first chair all state oboe, plays in two precollege ensembles at the Hartt School (and was asked to play in a college ensemble which needed an oboe...couldn't do it because of schedule but it was nice to be asked), NHS, and a scholar athlete for her two sports seasons (swimming and track)and works in the HS office daily as the before school receptionist (so the teachers ALL know her...). She's a nice kid who doesn't toot her own horn loudly enough, I guess. At this point she says it's not important, and I am inclined to agree although I know her feelings were hurt when she was not invited to the awards night. Sad when a 17 year old says "it's the same kids every year who get the awards". Even the kids know!!</p>

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<p>My freshman is also the same way. Though he is a top student, he is very much hidden by the more flamboyant, extroverted kids. He was not recognized at his middle school awards ceremony except for in math, and I found out later, that he had not been the first choice the way the awards were decided upon. The math teacher overrode the first choice, and he is priest who does not deal with anything other than the primary criterion. I think there are many of these kids.</p>

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<p>This thread proves that high school awards are meaningless because deserving students are passed over again and again. I'm speaking as the mom of one child who might have been separated from thumper1's d at birth, another who received an excessive number of awards last week, and a third who has yet to even be invited to awards night (this is the one who already has her Oscar acceptance speech memorized, btw). I know the hurt, disappointment, and resentment that can result from these events all too well. </p>

<p>I think those who question the powers that be about the award selection process are brave indeed. I once asked casually about selection criteria at the end of a cordial pre-college-search meeting with my oldest d's GC, who immediately became stuffy and defensive. (In fact, she responded as if I had proposed sacrificing a live chicken on her keyboard.) She assured me that she had no idea how awardees are chosen (she coordinates the annual ceremony, btw, and is a real power player in our school's administration, so I think she may have been ... um ... fibbing), and that I "wouldn't get anywhere" if I wanted to pursue the topic. </p>

<p>Well, I didn't and don't. I think the best thing we can do for ourselves and our kids is to cultivate an "oh, how nice - but essentially worthless" attitude toward high school awards. A piece of paper stating that you're the outstanding history student at your high school doesn't mean a thing, to college adcoms or anyone else. That big blank section of the application asking for a list of awards and honors is a bit intimidating, but kids get into excellent schools every year without being able to fill that big blank space. And the prizes that might really grab an adcom's attention aren't handed out at high school awards night.</p>

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<p>quiltguru - We are right there with you. Wednesday evening we will be attending "Senior Celebration" or as H calls it "the night we pay $15/each to eat hors d'oeuvres and watch other peoples' kids get awards." S won first place at State Science Fair; we were told by his History teacher that he was "one of the top kids I've had in my career" etc. etc., but never an award. In middle school, he was one of several (altho not many) who received recognition for achieving Honors every single term without exception, so I am hoping there is a similar thing for HS, because as you say, they do feel a sting sitting quietly in their seats as the same kids jump up for award after award.</p>

<p>None of this affected our S getting into the college he wanted, and getting a great merit award and admission before matriculation into the Engineering Honor Society. But, as you say, it still hurts.</p>

<p>I won't say he was devastated, because it has come to be what he expects. He was devastated earlier in his school career, more by failures in the athletic arena. The good news is what NorthStarMom said to me many moons ago, and I like to pay it forward. Kids like yours, mine,evitajr1's, jamimom's frosh, thumper1's have developed something which those "routine winners" don't have - and that something is resilience, the ability to be self-motivated without the outside recognition, the perserverance to go forward "despite." These characteristics will put them way ahead of many others who have so far never known the type of disappointment our kids have faced. When those kids are no longer the biggest fishes in the pond, they may not know how to deal with such setbacks. Our kids already know. I have truly and deeply benefited from NorthStarMom's insight on this and hope you will too.</p>

<p>fwiw, we did do what nunofyer suggested re PR in our local paper. There is an area for these pieces, so though they may be "brag" pieces, they don't look absurd and after all our kids have EARNED them. We did it for the college scholarship/Honor Society thing worded just about as nunofyer.. suggested. It has generated positive comments and he has felt good about that.</p>

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<p>Even though seniors may not get all-peer recognition at an awards ceremony, many of our parent booster groups recognize students at end of year awards dinners. We had one last Thursday for our music and performing arts kids. Every senior was acknowledged and there were awards for excellent to quirky kids in the band (marching and concert), jazz band, orchestra, choir, musical and fall play. Parents were invited as well and we celebrated together. </p>

<p>My kids are the B students that are/were the backbone of the music and performing arts programs. The ones that will not take any regional or state awards but enjoy what they do, and in our award program those kinds of kids are acknowledged when they are seniors. </p>

<p>We give what I call buy a book scholarships for any student that goes into college with a music major and all the directors tout any student that went on to a higher level competition. A couple of students gave off the wall awards to their peers. For those of you that have a parent booster group but do not have an end of the year ceremony, it's a great thing to start. Ours is a catered dinner that costs about $15 person and is held at a close by college. We charge the students $10 and adults $15. I understand the baseball team has a cook out at the coaches home and girls soccer has one at the high school. Just a thought.</p>

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<p>Goodness, it's been impossible to get on to these boards in the last 24 hours. Yes, I did send press releases from a couple of her distinctions to the local paper. But the local paper is heavily biased toward the public schools and doesn't publish info from kids in independent schools, so it never got in.</p>

<p>It seems, not surprisingly, that this has struck a common chord and similar emotions in many of you. Please understand that I'm not trying to find spurious awards for my kid to make her feel good. That is not the point. I'd like some pointers to competitions that can make an entrant feel that the competition is at least fair and awards given NOT according to popularity or parental or student arse-kissing. I appreciate the link given below to science and math competitions since this is an interest of hers and will explore them. Yes, these kinds of kids are resilient and she ultimately will do fine when she gets out of this insular environment (I know my hubby and I did). But it is nice to show them that somewhere, sometime these kids will be rewarded for excellence.</p>

<p>soozievt, I tried to PM you, but your box is full . Could you PM me with info about NFAA ARTS and your D and the story about her last concert, if appropriate?</p>

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<p>quiltguru ~ perhaps your D can win some AP-related awards? Also, I second the idea of newspaper coverage, as this was a surprisingly effective recognition boost for my S. And Texas137's list is awesome (I just forwarded this list to my D).</p>

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<p>When D went to her awards ceremony 4 years ago, one of the highest acheiving girls we know wasnt present or honored (only honoree's were invited).Going to Harvard (URM,too) Intel science, etc,Music,etc. Seems it was a case of each department thinking one of the others would "cover" her for awards.
While it might sting at that time, in college it becomes meaningless.No more popularity contest (except for frat/sorority stuff I suppose) for awards,etc.</p>

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<p>Yes, we (son and family) endured a night at the "awards banquet" while we painstakingly watched the same 3 to 5 kids get up 5 times each, if not more. One would think that the faculty could spread these awards around a bit more - some of them are quite arbitrary in nature yet everyone seems to want to only choose the top few students. If nothing else, they should not invite everyone to the awards banquet when they know the awards are so limited. My son has been extremely involved and despite putting hours and hours into his high school, received nothing of recognition. It was heartbreaking. At graduation, the students hear about scholarship awards from different funds, mostly memorial funds. Again, nothing for my son and in all honestly at least half of the scholarships went to students who are not going on to college. Why? Because the families who choose the recipient know the student or the student's family - it's just plain political. It was heartbreaking again to listen to the list of recipients knowing that my son was hoping to be recognized in some way and walked away empty handed. The amounts are small - most are about $250 - but to see kids who did nothing for the school in 4 years get them over someone (not just him) who gave so much is just sad. One of the teacher's who came to our grad party yesterday told us that the families choosing recipients see school spirit as "cheerleading" and "playing football". I suppose they just don't understand things like Harvard Model Congress, IRC, Mentors for Violence Prevention, Senior Council, Lacrosse, SADD, Golf, Political Action Club, newspaper, attending school council meetings, fundraising, being club or class officer, and so on and so on, as having anything to do with keeping the school spirit. Duh. Another painful experience, watching the 10 "honor grads" who have unweighted averages above 90, 5 of whom never took an honors or AP class in their entire career, walk at the front of the line wearing medals of honor. My son and some of his friends, who have slightly under 90 unweighted, but well over 90 weighted, were not recognized for challenging themselves by taking ALL honors and AP classes for 4 years. Thanks for letting me vent!!! Who else can one complain to without sounding self serving or belittling of the others!!!!</p>

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<p>IMO the high school awards do not mean that much, and not getting them would sting mainly if parents put a lot of stock in them.</p>

<p>Many of the high school awards are simply popularity contests or go to students who do kiss up a lot. Those awards also don't make that much difference when it comes to things like college applications, particularly applications to competitive colleges.</p>

<p>When it comes to the very competitive colleges, even awards like National Merit don't count that much because so many applicants have gotten that honor. Certainly for those top colleges, getting a high school book award (even if its the book award named after the college the student applies to) doesn't really matter. </p>

<p>I don't think that the way to cope with a kids' lack of awards from their high school is to try to get them in position to get attention from a local paper, etc. All this does is, I think, make the kid think that awards are super important and their parents are ashamed of them unless they get some.</p>

<p>I think that it's far better to place emphasis on whether a kid did their best in their activities, whether they pursued activities that taught them about themselves and the world, whether they have made a positive difference in others' lives. Those are the kind of things to celebrate. Having started a successful community service program, having raised an amount of money for charity -- these are the kind of things that are real achievements to be proud of -- regardless of whether a student gets an award for those achievements.</p>

<p>If a kid decides to go after awards, then steer them to going after awards that are based on achievements that aren't based on popularity. For instance, getting an award for winning an academic games competition, breaking a sports record or winning a history fair or science fair award is something that is based on what a student really did.</p>

<p>S, who is one of those quiet, hard working kids, actually did get an award from one of his organizations a couple of weeks ago. It was a total surprise. It was for a project that S had done major work organizing and implementing. </p>

<p>We were happy about the award. At the same time, though, what made us happiest was not that S was recognized for what he did, but that he did something that made a positive difference in the school. He didn't do the action to get an award. He didn't even expect any recognition for it. If he hadn't gotten recognition, that would have been fine with us because what really mattered was that he had made a nice difference.</p>

<p>Meanwhile, when it comes to college and scholarships, what will most impress them anyway is what he did, not whether the school gave him an award for the activity.</p>

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<p>I still look back and find it quite funny that the top senior girl got the Smith book award and the top senior boy got the Harvard book award, even though Harvard has now been co-ed for quite some time and the boy was about 6th or 7th in the class behind all the very smart girls! DD deserved to get one of these awards, as #2 but, instead, we just laughed at how completely out of touch her school still is! These hs awards are pretty meaningless to 17-18 year olds who have it together enough to be deserving. I think if we, as parents, don't make a big deal of it, our kids will chaulk it up to one more thing their high school screwed up and move on.</p>

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<p>"Meanwhile, when it comes to college and scholarships, what will most impress them anyway is what he did, not whether the school gave him an award for the activity."</p>

<p>I definitely agree with this statement by Northstarmom and wrote about that idea on the other thread when we were all discussing these issues. Achievements are what colleges want to see and achievements do not always involve an award. But if the kid really did something worth noting, that is what will count. There are ways to show achievements on the activity list/resume. There are many activities where there are no awards possibly given out, as well. </p>

<p>Rileydog, I hear ya about the top ten kids at graduation including several kids who took no Honors or AP classes in high school who were ranked above all the kids who took the more challenging classes. That is exactly what we have had here too. It is all unweighted GPA and rank. While admittedly my own daughter was ranked first in the class last year and had taken the hardest class load and then some, it was harder to achieve that ranking when it is unweighted and the way it turned out was that there were several kids in the top ten from the easiest courses who were ranked above who most think of as the top or most accomplished seniors. The girl ranked third for example, took no honors or AP courses but was able to maintain close to straight As. I do think kids who take the regular track deserve recognition for their achievements in their classes but to use a ranking system that puts them higher than those who took the more challenging classes, does NOT encourage kids to challenge themselves. My D felt strongly about this, even though she did end up ranked first. She felt like you do about it and she developed a policy with regard to weighted grades for rank and worked two years in developing it and presenting it to faculty and eventually the school board who passed her policy which starts with the class of 2006 as she wanted other kids who came later to benefit and to be encouraged to take the more challenging courses and be recognized in terms of rank for having done so. Also at our graduation, local scholarships were named as well as ones from colleges in state so it is not like scholarships won from out of state were mentioned but we know it and that is all that mattered to us. We are kinda used to the deal here. </p>

<p>Our school, over the years I have had two kids go through it, really seems to go out of its way to NOT recognize the most accomplished students and goes overboard in political correctness and recognizing those not at the top. Almost every situation here has pointed to that mode of thinking. Just commenting. We are used to it and simply chalk it up as "more of the same". In this regard, glad we are almost done with it all.
Susan</p>

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<p>Fellow member of the club. The thing that does hurt is that a lot of these senior awards are monetary and small amounts add up to ... computers, books, etc., but beyond that is the feeling when a student starts out that their community/high school/whatever is behind them: recognizes their talents and wishes them well. With s. we sat through three hours of watching all manner and stripe of kid get awards so that s. could receive an athletic participation award. I won't go into how wonderful he is and all that he has accomplished and don't wish to denigrate those who did receive local scholarships and academic awards, but it did make me one very happy mom (no tears!) at graduation that he was leaving a system that didn't appreciate him. His younger sibling is an 'anointed one' so likely she will leave with the support of her school. It forces us to be philosophical and as a practical matter I've stopped (well, almost) contributing to local scholarships - that is one way to protest. I do not share this with anyone other than very close friends because it would be seen as sour grapes. Maybe it is. I sit back and watch the whole 'pageant' now with a jaundiced eye. It's just high school and the world has a whole different way of recognizing and reacting to kids.</p>

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<p>The night before the awards ceremony I told my D whatever happened just remember she had already won the prizes that count by her college admissions. Now I am planning to use the results, what she won and what she didn't win, as an example to explain that these kinds of situations come up all the time in life and what's important is the same thing that's important when that first labor contraction hits, Have A Strategy. In this case, decide if you care or not, decide if you care enough to do things in the way of the awarding institution, try your best, and then at the end either enjoy what you win or learn from the loss. You always learn more from losing than winning.</p>

<p>I also told her studies show that those who peak in high school frequently suffer in later years. Good thing she won neither everything or nothing:)</p>

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<p>First of all, it's not fair to declare that "all these awards are meaningless" (plus it smacks of sour grapes) because some of the awards certainly go to deserving students, while other awards do leave us, and many students, going, "huh???" </p>

<p>What you should realize is that for many of these students winning their high school popularity contests will be their lifetime peak. This is as good as it gets for them. Let your quiet, talented sons and daughters plod along as they proceed to the top of their college and professional careers. The 20 year high school reunion will be a revelation. </p>

<p>Not to mention, all these senior awards are too late to affect college admission anyway.</p>