Help For Struggling Freshman?

Colleges and Universities A-Z University of Alabama
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<p>Once he fell behind, he just stopped turning in work.</p>

<p>I went through this in college. It’s a vicious cycle: You start despairing that you can catch up, and then you just give up. Your self-esteem nose-dives. In my case, coming from a working-class background, I also felt unprepared for college. Everyone else seemed so much better prepared than I was. </p>

<p>The poor kid. My heart goes out to him. I hope and trust he will get the counseling and tutoring and loving encouragement he needs to make a fresh start. <em>He can do it!</em> I work with a very successful six-figure-salary art director who was put on academic probation after her first semester at FSU. She improved. He can, too. Countless other kids have gone through this. He’s in my prayers. God bless and happy New Year!</p>

22

<p>Did we ask if there’s a GF in the picture? Sometimes having a new love in college can be a major distraction, too.</p>

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<p>Whew! </p>

<p>Thank you for the thoughtful posts and PMs. I’ll reply to the PMs individually, eventually. But thank you, CC.</p>

<p>I knew it was a risk posting about a struggling student amongst such a large community of honors/gifted families, but I think the risk paid off. Your ideas and links will be helpful. </p>

<p>DS was not Crimson Edge (the program for entering freshman with at least one major flaw on the record). Although his class rank in our prep high school was quite low, his ACT 26 placed him comfortably in the middle 50% of the student population. </p>

<p>I’m trying to approach this with as much optimism as I can muster. I was honors at U of Illinois Urbana Champaign and had a disastrous freshman year, ending up on probation. I don’t remember getting off probation with the help from my parents – it was my problem to solve, or not. I made several changes, climbed out of the hole I dug for myself, graduated, and ended up with a reasonably successful career. (As you might expect, here in Huntsvegas we’re surrounded by brilliant engineers, scientists, and professionals – many of them work for me.) </p>

<p>Despite the horrific grades, and even considering the “full-retail” price tag, we’re going to try one more semester – with several updates to our contract:</p>

<ol>
<li> Tell your roommates. They may be able to help, and they deserve to know either way.</li>
<li> Meet with your A&S Advisor in the first week to find out what grades are needed to continue beyond this spring.</li>
<li> Meet with somebody in CAS ([Center</a> for Academic Success - The University of Alabama](<a href=“http://www.ctl.ua.edu/default.asp]Center”>http://www.ctl.ua.edu/default.asp)) to talk about last semester and plan for success this semester.</li>
</ol>

<p>Other than that, I’ll just encourage him to take care of Body, Mind, and Spirit.</p>

<p>Let’s see, other odds and ends from previous posts and questions:</p>

<p>– He has been screened for various mental, physical, and social conditions and challenges (privacy, please.)</p>

<p>– Although he has good ACT scores, high school was tough (see my posts to other threads for some details if you’re curious).</p>

<p>– No GF.</p>

<p>That’s it. I’m happy to continue to discuss DS, but I’d actually rather read posts about experiences and success stories from others. </p>

<p>Can an RA help with this sort of thing? Are there reputable college “life coaches” at CAS, other departments, or in Tuscaloosa proper?</p>

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<p>Billthepoet: your honesty and openness is amazing. I will as time permits go look at previous posts about your sons High School struggles. For now I will say that while my daughter had a successful first semester, we are acutely aware of her weaknesses, time management and if she hits a road block she becomes embarrassed and retreats rather than finding a solution.
The only request we had when she chose Bama was that we had access to her grades, so hopefully I could spot an issue before it arised. The other thing D did this semester was utilized us to aid her alarm clock, waking up is a struggle regardless of bedtime. This was her choice. Some may say this is helicopterish, I say some kids need a gradual release into the world.</p>

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<p>Ok so my son had a difficult first semester at a different school, for him it was too many classes and not being fully prepared at his HS for college level work. He is on scholarship. It was not disastrous but it was bad. His U has an academic forgiveness program where you can retake up to 2 classes and the first grade falls out of the gpa calculation. It stays on the transcript but is not affecting his GPA. We dropped him to four classes instead of 5 in the spring. Spring semester was much better. Then the fall came. He was lethargic and had a hard time focusing, studied forever but did poorly on tests. We had him tested for ADD, which he ended up having and realized in the process that he had severe hypo thyroidism. I could not get him to drop a class. He took 5 that fall. The meds helped but not with enough time for him to salvage the semester. Ended with less than a 2 for the semester. He had interviewed through the coop program and had gotten a coveted position at a Huntsville firm and was supposed to start that next spring (we are from huntsvegas as well). They suggested he stay at school for another semester and he never heard from them again. To say he was devastated is an understatement. Everyone knew he was supposed to coop that spring. He went back to school, had to unsublet his apartment and worked hard. He did well, brought his grades up and got another coop position at a different firm that next fall starting the next spring. He is a EE. We figured out some of his challenges but another was just how he worked. 5 classes was too much to juggle. He only takes 4 a semester now. That Christmas break we told him that everyone fails/falters at some point in their lives whether by their fault or not, and the ONLY people in the world who do not have a chance of being successful are the ones who give up. We said dig in and push through. Find out what works for you. He had to learn to ask for help and use the resources available. Getting him to realize that there is more than one path to the finish line was hard. Some of the most successful people in life learn the hard way that they have to work for what they want. As much as I hate that he went through all of that and that your son is struggling as well, I am so glad that he had that experience because he is a much better student and person for it.</p>

<p>Hang in there and we will be rooting for you both!</p>

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<p>Can an RA help with this sort of thing? Are there reputable college “life coaches” at CAS, other departments, or in Tuscaloosa proper?</p>

<p>I would say that an RA isn’t going to help with this. It’s outside their parameters and they have their own courseload and responsibilities.</p>

<p>As for life coaches in Tuscaloosa, I don’t know of any, but maybe there are. Are these therapists who do this?</p>

<p>I would add another item to the contract…complete visibility for on-going grades. That means when he gets a grade for something, he shares that with you. Whether you need a screenshot or whatever to “back up” a claim that he did well, is up to you. I don’t think asking for complete visibility is too much considering. Both my kids would instantly text me with a new grade on something…and I didn’t even ask for this.</p>

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<p>Well Bill, I did help my DS with some of his assignments that required some organization, which is his weakness. He called often to brainstorm ideas for English and History papers, and would email rough drafts for help with grammar. He does have a learning disability, so none of this kind of support came as a surprise. After a couple of semesters, he had much more confidence and didn’t need much help. I tried as hard as I could to show faith in him while privately dreading a repeat of failures. If I could change anything, I would have been much more involved the first time he went to college. Also, he seemed to handle 12 credit semesters better than 15.</p>

<p>I’m glad you’re giving him another chance. Good luck!</p>

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<p>Bill I really support the idea of finding some sort of professional who can work with your son. This might be a learning specialist who knows how to teach study and life skills or it might be a therapist of some sort. My son leaves therapy each week with a plan of attack for whatever hurdles are in front of him. He has learned to set up schedules for himself with manageable tasks. That said, it takes supervision on my part to keep motion going forward. There are moments I question whether I should just let him figure it out and experience natural consequences. There are people reading this thread who have exactly that opinion. But I can almost guarantee you that opinion comes from the ignorance of not walking this journey. I know this because my older child is a self motivated high achieving double major and I can see now how arrogant I felt about my parenting skills as reflected in her successes. This has humbled me and caused me to look at parenting in a really different way. There is no guidebook for a struggling child – there are only small steps and trying to do your best to help him find his way. It is easy to become overwhelmed by what needs fixing and to forget what makes your kid awesome (for example, my son is the most compassionate person I know). I am just starting my search for a therapist for him if he makes the choice to attend Alabama next year. I will pass on what I am able to find.</p>

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<p>WhitLo, you are so right. Except I had my challenging kid first. When my UA DD came along, I simply marveled at how easily all things school related came to her. But I knew it had nothing to do with me or my parenting. Have to admit, some of the overly proud parents I live near are hard to take.</p>

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<p>Of course, none of us knows what burdens and challenges any individual has faced and overcome to make their way in life.</p>

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<p>I like the life coach idea or someone that sits down with them once a week to plan out a plan of attack to reach the goals for that week. My D is needing something like this, or it is going to be me making numerous trips to Bama this next semester. D1 is the kid that was labeled “gifted”. This kid at the age of 2 did things that we didn’t really pay attention to but others were like, “WOW! She is VERY smart!”. She was in the G/T magnet starting in kindergarten and did all IB and AP in high school. We won’t discuss the last semester of high school, I’d have to hurt someone. Everything came easy to her without much work or effort. A few times she would “struggle” but when it hit, she was fine. D2 was our kid that had to have reading help starting early, before kindergarten we noticed she was not catching on to some things and started having a tutor work with her. Lots of struggles in elementary school and a few “come to Jesus” meetings with the school staff. Once we got her into a better school she has soared and now the kid that struggled to learn to read loves to read and public speaking. She was the one that learned early to ask for help. D1, UGH! </p>

<p>We will be sitting down with her this week and laying it on the line with her. I know what some of the issues are. Some are being taken away from her. We have basically told her we let her go and do everything her way and this is the end result. This semester is going to be done our way. Told her she is more than fortunate that we can afford this lil adventure she is on. Brought it to real life and told her what we will spend for these 2 semesters is more than some of our own employees make in a year. I’ve copied the info posted already about the tutoring services available. Now it is going to be a 'YOU MUST GO!" No exceptions! Go meet with the advisors, regularly! It is just so agravating with a kid that we know can do it that just did not apply herself. We are thankful for her summer grades that helped with the situation. </p>

<p>Bill, we so feel your pain. It is heartwrenching when we want so much for our kids. Best of luck and prayers that the outcome of this next semester is a much brighter one.</p>

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<p>Texasncmom – I’ve heard it called “the curse of the gifted” except both of my kids test into that label and are still polar opposites in their work habits. There is a lot of new research and publication about the role of grit and persistence in success. My daughter has it in abundance and my son seems to have almost none. I flat out told him once that his IQ had no meaning at all if he never learned to use it and apply it.</p>

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<p>As one with a very high IQ, I have OFTEN thought it a curse I would gladly trade for a QUIET MIND. I AM NOT KIDDING OR SAYING THIS LIGHTLY.</p>

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<p>During my time at UA, I’ve known many students who suffered from depression and other forms of mental illness, along with those who did not, but had difficulty adjusting to college life.</p>

<p>Some thoughts which immediately come to mind:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Having depression and other forms of mental illness does not mean that one will get poor grades. Some very depressed people have 4.0s as getting good grades is a coping mechanism.</p></li>
<li><p>Many of those who aren’t successfully adjusting to life at UA will spend a lot of time interacting with friends from “home,” particularly those who attend universities near said home. While it’s perfectly fine to keep track of what is going on elsewhere, one needs time to meet people at their own college.</p></li>
<li><p>People close to the person who is suffering from depression or other forms of mental illness are often affected by the other person’s trials and tribulations. This has happened to me multiple times when people I thought were friends would act mean towards me as a result of their own trials and tribulations. Those who are doing their best to be supportive do not deserve to be lashed out at.</p></li>
<li><p>Really research the background of mental health professionals and don’t be afraid to switch providers. This is very important, especially when some counselors will try to push their personal beliefs instead of treating the individual with professionalism and empirically tested methods. This is especially relevant for those people who are LGBT+ or who don’t follow the predominant religions in the area. Some of the stories I’ve heard from friends about specific counselors are disturbing to say the least.</p></li>
<li><p>Sometimes it’s not the person suffering from depression or other forms of mental illness would be a lot better off if were not for specific people or attitudes in their life. It’s not uncommon for specific individuals to aggravate depressive tendencies or other forms of mental illness in a person. Oftentimes the best way is to remove oneself from the situation, be it changing rooms, withdrawing from a class, or discontinuing participation in certain activities. </p></li>
<li><p>There is help available, often in the most unlikely places. Sometimes the best course of action is to take a break. Some people go fishing, others go downtown to watch an art house movie, etc. It depends on the person as to what works best, but leaving ones apartment or dorm room every now and then to do a fun activity can help a lot.</p></li>
</ol>

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<p>I told my kids, and the kids I advised in the sorority: semesters go by fast. Unbelieveably fast. If you think you might be having a problem in a course, GET HELP RIGHT AWAY. Don’t wait! A couple of weeks could make all the difference.</p>

<p>Also, I demanded to know my kids’ passwords so I could review grades (and spending habits). Had they not given me their passwords, I wouldn’t have paid their tuition/dorm/food/sorority/fraternity bills. I never looked at e-mail (at that time, that was a separate account) but I kept close tabs on grades and money. I wanted to spot problems before they got worse.</p>

<p>One thing we learned in my sorority’s adviser training is that 18-19-20-21 is the age that mental problems often show up - depression, OCD, manic depression. Not saying this is the case with your son, but the HUGE changes that come with going off to college could set up depression in the most stable people. </p>

<p>You want to reassure him, encourage and partner with him to help him find his way.
God bless you both.</p>

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<p>I like Longsx3 approach. Bill, from everything I have read here I can tell you are an awesome dad. I like the life coach idea. This type of follow-up on a regular basis may help him stay on track. </p>

<p>I think that Longsx3 brings up some good points- maybe some of the things some of us do might qualify us for helicopter parent status- but if it works, then so be it.</p>

<p>I like the idea of monitoring a kid’s grades on a continuous basis. Hey- if I am footing the bills then I get to make the rules. Everyone gains independence at their own rate. I know you can’t verify if your S is going to class, but a close watch on grades might throw up red flags that he is not turning in work, etc. </p>

<p>Like Longsx3, I may have to be my daughter’s wake up call when she goes off to college. M2CK also has a valid point that 8:00am classes are not for everyone. Did that play a role in your son’s grades? </p>

<p>I hope that some of the information given by the Bama parents is helpful to you and your S. I particularly like the words of wisdom from the poster (sorry can’t remember the name) who told their child that the only way you lose is by giving up.</p>

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<p>One more post to share a few links, then we’ll let this slip to page 2.</p>

<p>Again, thanks for the positive feedback and thoughtful comments, on this board and in PMs. </p>

<p>Our “contract” was updated with clear and verifiable steps. Here is where we are:</p>

<ol>
<li> Meet with your college advisor in the first week. Be honest, and find out what grades you HAVE to get to stay in school.</li>
</ol>

<p>Results: DS met with his advisor yesterday. His spring semester grade threshold for staying in school is achievable. He needs decent grades, but not straight A’s. </p>

<p>As for the larger discussion, DS choices ranged from straight-out withdrawal to cutting hours to withdrawal and reapplication after community college success. </p>

<p>Since DS was a Duke TIP kid and had a strong ACT, the advisor thought it was realistic to try again from within the university system. </p>

<p>His concluding recommendations were the same as our family plan steps, continued below.</p>

<ol>
<li> Visit Center for Academic Success (CAS), Osband Hall. [Welcome</a> to the CAS Online Tutori](<a href=“http://www.ctl.ua.edu/Appt/index.html]Welcome”>http://www.ctl.ua.edu/Appt/index.html). </li>
</ol>

<p>[Results: Don’t know yet, he’s supposed to go there today or tomorrow.]</p>

<ol>
<li> Visit the UA Counseling Center and ask for help. 1000 South Lawn Office Building (1101 Jackson Avenue) or call (205) 348-3863. Tell them the same things you told your advisor and CAS. [Counseling</a> Center](<a href=“http://counseling.ua.edu/index.cfm]Counseling”>http://counseling.ua.edu/index.cfm)</li>
</ol>

<p>[Results: Don’t know yet. DS has agreed to talk to someone at the counseling center to begin the self-inspection necessary to understand what happened last semester and why.]</p>

<p>Other odds and ends:</p>

<p>– At least 1 roommate knows, so soon they’ll all know. I hope this helps. As far as I have been able to determine, they’re students in good standing.</p>

<p>– I have full access to myBama, but I don’t plan to be hyper-vigilant. It really is his college career. High stakes game, I know. </p>

<p>– The University wants kids to succeed! [New</a> Students](<a href=“http://newstudents.ua.edu/advicefresh.cfm]New”>http://newstudents.ua.edu/advicefresh.cfm)</p>

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<p>Might I also suggest the following:
-If your son has any 8AM classes, consider switching sections, many students do not do well in early AM classes. Usually the final exams for these classes are early morning and for those students who are not morning people, this can make a difference.</p>

<p>-Go over the reading material for the class fifteen minutes before the class begins. Usually, reading ahead is also a good idea to know what is coming down the pike. Schedule classes with a break in between, so that you can do this.</p>

<p>-Try a lighter schedule for one or two semesters.</p>

<p>-Have your son start an exercise routine. This can help to release tension and be a positive experience.</p>

<p>-Initially, take classes in subject materials that he is interested in. Students usually do better in these classes and right now he needs to build his self esteem back up.</p>

<p>-Call him in the morning to make sure he is up and ready for classes. Be bright and cheery on the phone, say something positive about the day ahead. Yes. this “might” be helicopter parenting but he needs your support right now</p>

<p>-Set a schedule of Skype sessions -perhaps once a week (or more often), I truly believe that Skype is a great way for parents to “see” and assess their students wellbeing. I believe that you can more easily tell whether he is happy, sad, tired, sick, or not eating. This can clue you in to how he is really doing while keeping him from feeling lonely or homesick. If he calls and you stay connected awhile (perhaps even when he is folding laundry), this “connection” could give him an opportunity to discuss classes, his week and perhaps any issues that have come up. Some students are slow at getting out information, so staying connected via a Skype session allows them the time to open up and talk.</p>

<p>I am wishing both your son and you the best of luck in dealing with these issues.</p>

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<p>Good luck to you and your son.</p>