I don’t know if I can post this here, but please help me.
About a week ago a classmate asked me to go to prom with him. I don’t really talk to him outside of class and I don’t like him in a romantic way either. He is a foreign exchange student, and they don’t have prom in his country. I wasn’t planning on going to prom since I’m kind of reserved, and I don’t really like school dances or anything that goes along with it. I don’t have many friends, so it would just be and him. I don’t know if he has other friends that he’ll want to hang out either. So, he asked me out in class. It wasn’t anything big. He just said that he really wants to go, but he doesn’t have a partner. I didn’t want to tell him that he could go alone or with friends, and before he asked me to go with him he asked me if I am going to prom at all. I did tell him that I had no intention of going and that I don’t really like school dances. I am pretty sure that he doesn’t have any feelings for me, but then again I don’t know anything. I said very reluctantly because I didn’t want to say no to the foreign exchange student. I even took two days to reply. But, now I really really don’t want to go to prom, and it’s not even about him. People keep telling me that I will regret not going to my senior prom, but I am not really that kind of person that has the time of their life in high school or that cherishes their teenage years. I just don’t want to make him feel bad and tell him that I only said yes as a formality. I don’t want to spend $80 on a ticket, at least $200 on dress and shoes, or $100 hair, nails and makeup. I don’t think it’s worth it since I have no friends or really like the guy that asked me.
I think it’s about changing your mind after you’ve already said yes.
Think about this from his point of view. I imagine it took a lot of guts for him to ask you. He finally did. He waited for two days, and you said yes. He probably didn’t breathe for those two days, but you said yes.
For you to change your mind now… I don’t know, I just think it would be really unkind. Kind of like that school that accepted your application saying there’s been no mistake, we’ve just changed your mind. We don’t accept you after all.
You don’t need the $100 on hair and makeup. You may be able to find a cheaper dress; ask around and see if anyone has one (What size are you? We have a few around the house.)
I don’t think you’ll necessarily regret going to prom. But I do think you may regret being the kind of person who does this to someone else.
I agree with bjkmom. You had two days to work through all that, this wasn’t a snap decision. Forget the $100 on hair, nails, and makeup. Do your own or ask someone you know. My D18 did her own and was fine.
If you live somewhere with the Nextdoor app or any number of websites, you can find a huge amount of prom dresses for sale, gently used. Amazon also has great prices. Shoes don’t have to be expensive either. Try DSW, their clearance usually has at least a few fancy shoes. Or borrow a pair.
You don’t have a good reason to cancel and part of growing up is honoring committments. Plus you might have more fun than you think. I’m an introvert and usually dread things then end up being happy I attended. Worst case, schedule something you do enjoy for the day after so you have something to look forward to.
I agree with the above . If you had just blurted out yes and then, on reflection, changed your mind, that would be different than waiting two days to accept. I think it would be cruel to disappoint this boy, whose expectations don’t seem to be romantic but who wants an experience he would not otherwise have.
Did you speak with your parents during those 2 days? Are they willing to pay for your ticket? Did the boy offer to pay for it?
My’s D prom dress was gorgeous and it cost $25 at a consignment shop. I got her shoes at DSW and a local salon offered a hair and nails deal for prom that was reasonable.
As adults, we often have to do things we’d rather not socially. Consider this good practice and maybe, maybe, you’ll actually have fun. In all honesty, the best part of my prom for me was realizing that in another month, I’d never have to see most of the people there ever again.
Even if you don’t have a great time, you’ll be able to look yourself in the mirror and be happy with the person you see. The money and time that prom will cost are well worth what you’ll gain in self respect.
I’m with everyone else. You took your time and said yes. It’s totally unfair to this boy to change your mind now.
Go to resale shops, borrow a dress, wear something you already have. Friend or family can do awesome with hair and make up. It doesn’t need to be a big deal expense.
My daughter and her friends went to resale shops and got amazing stuff for cheap plus it was fun for them. Don’t need $100.00 on anything. Even if you don’t have friends maybe there are “groups” of people meeting somewhere that you can go /meet with so it’s not just you two. Be nice but make it clear that you are going just as friends and then let that little part of you go and have some fun. BTW - it has nothing to do with if this boy is foreign exchange student or not. I had a girlfriend that I went to the prom with (whose my wife now). But I had a great friend that just happened to be a girl. She didn’t have a date and told me that as a friend and I suggested, why don’t I just go with you if your not asked. She just broke up with her boyfriend. We had a good time. My girlfriend was friends with her also and I told her if someone else asks her I will be fine not going. We had a great time,even though there was no romantic interest, just friends.
My son 2 years ago went with 12 boys and got a limo. There was a group of 12 girls that got a limo. We are like… Why don’t you all go together but they just met at the prom. From my understanding most people going just went as friends with very few that went as girl /boyfriends.
IF for some reason you have no intention of going… You need to tell this boy very soon like tomorrow at school. He will need time to build up the courage to ask someone else out. You should take it as a compliment that he asked you.
You said “Yes” to him, but your fear is about you. Fear may be strong but I think that’s part of it. Go with him and be open to having a good time. You may surprise yourself and like it.
Aside from this situation, a very important attribute in life is being dependable / trustworthy which requires one to do what they say they will do. Sometimes it’s painful to follow through but if you commit to something by saying “yes”, you really need to follow through regardless of your feelings (unless it’s something that puts you or someone else in harms way).
Just challenge yourself and go through with it. You’ll be glad you did.
This is about doing the right thing. You already know what that is. So will you do the right thing or will you walk away. Your integrity is something you should value. You can do this. You should do this. And you should do it with a smile on your face.
I agree with all of the above. He asked you to go as a friend. Don’t worry that he thinks it’s a “date.” Just go and have fun.
You don’t have to spend a lot of money. If you already own make-up and nail polish those won’t cost you anything. You don’t have to have it professionally done. If you own dress shoes, find a dress that goes with them. Every consignment shop and used clothing store has them. If you don’t have dress shoes try your local department stores or Payless. It’s only for a few hours one night. It can be a fun experience if you let it.
Do the right thing: live up to the commitment that you made. It will be a fun four or five hours of your life, and you won’t see him again after the school year ends.
If you were my daughter, I would tell you this as someone who has hosted an exchange student:
Don’t think of this as you going to YOUR PROM. Think about it as sharing culture with this student.
They come here and are surprised that there really are football players walking around in varsity jackets like in the movies. That people actually go to football games. That people go to parties and actually use the red cups like in the movies.
So here is this kid…he wants to experience American PROM! He has already gone through the anxiety of “asking someone to prom.”
So put on your anthropologist hat and take him through the experience.
Set boundaries: Tell him that you are going as a friend, which means you don’t want any kissing, etc.
Decide what you will spend. You don’t have to get your hair or nails done. You can re-use a dress or ask your parents to get you a new one. Maybe you pay for your ticket.
If he wants any “extras” like limos or such, he can pay for them. Tell him that it is customary for the guy to get the girl a corsage (if you want) and take pictures (or not if you don’t want that)
Decide if you will do any “after prom” stuff…I suspect not so use your parents as “bad guys”…“No my parents totally won’t let me!”
Use the dance to explain everything to him…“First we take pictures…” and “then the king and queen are crowned”
If you dont’ know what to talk about, ask him about his country and what kind of things they do there in HS. Ask him about what is impression of American HS was before he came. Ask him what was the most surprising thing he has learned. Ask him what is his favorite and least favorite American foods. Ask what he has done this school year.
You may have some anxiety…as you go to college you will need to deal with new situations. Here is a chance to practice…you know it will only last 4 hours!
First of all, I’m sorry that high school hasn’t been a great experience for you, and I hope that college is better. It often is. I agree about keeping your commitment. It’s just a few hours out of your life! As far as makeup goes, I have a few suggestions. Check local makeup places such as Merle Norman. Our local store ran a special on prom day makeup for $25 if you scheduled in advance. But if you bought any makeup worth that amount, they waived the fee. Other similar stores might have similar options. One of my daughters was very involved in theater, and one of her younger friends who loved doing makeup did my daughter’s makeup and that of several other friends just for fun for prom. Beauty schools often are an inexpensive way to get an up-do if you have long hair but want to wear it up (a good worry-free way to do your hair for prom). Be open to putting together a group of people to go with – they don’t have to be your best friends. Perhaps this exchange student knows of a few other people/couples to include? A lot of people feel more comfortable going in a group for all kinds of reasons. Prom is more fun in a group, especially if you aren’t romantically involved with your date. For one of my daughter’s proms, we hosted a dinner for 4 couples. The other parents were very grateful – and every one of them contributed a dish, so I didn’t have to do much. We invited the other parents to come over after the prom-goers ate, so that photos could be taken. The kids were having such a good time that they didn’t want to leave and missed the first hour of prom. The parents hung out for even longer. Afterward, my daughter thanked me and said everyone enjoyed the time at our house more than the prom, which was crowded and hot. She said that her friends who went out to eat felt more rushed and worried about spilling food on their dresses/tuxes. (We told the kids to come casual and that they could change at our house, if they wanted: most of them did so.) I know that every parent wouldn’t want to host something like this – it’s just an idea.
Well, I suppose by now you have made your decision, and I hope you are happy with it. In fact, I hope you decided that you could, indeed, play “anthropologist “ at your own prom; it sounds like a good way for you to experience your own HS event on terms that make it more…removed from the expectations that so far seem not to have proven true for you (best years of your life, etc.)
But. I have a son who was reluctance to ask anyone, out of fear of rejection. When I walked him thru the old-school method of having his friend ask her friend to ensure a “yes” first, he did ask someone. it’s Jr and Sr year, and it worked out fine. They had said yes under no pressure, and with an intermediary.
But I also have a daughter who got a surprise “prom-postal”. She camemoff the bus after school with a bouquet of roses, which she then threw violently into the trash before bursting into tears and running upstairs. She had said “yes” because he was a friend, and it would have been “awkward” and “mean” to say no. When she was STILL crying at bedtime, I said enough. SOMEONE is going to be upset. You have been upset for 8 hours straight. If you aren’t going to look forward to this and feel better about it, tell him now. He has time to ask someone else, and maybe he won’t spring it on the next girl. But honey, you NEVER have to say yes because of pressure or to spare someone’s feelings, when you really REALLY want to say NO.
This is also an important lesson, important, in the #metoo era.