<p>My parents and I have not gotten along very well this past yr and today I just had a huge fight with my dad and he basically said he wouldnt pay my tuition for Duke anymore now - *** should I do??? On the Duke website, it basically says you can't declare independent student status if the reason is that ur parents wont pay. I dunno what I should do at all - my aid next yr is basically only $17000 in grants and loans. I dont have any savings. What the hell am I going to do. The way I see it is I basically have 3 options: 1) call Duke and ask what I should do. 2) Take the yr off and apply to UF next year as an incoming freshman - I have 100% tuition there and its the best public school in my state, but I still dont have any $ for dorms and food. 3) apply for rolling admission at a tier 4 school where I can get $ for tuition and additional scholarships. Please help me, Im lost.</p>
<p>Jeez sorry to hear that. I would immediately </p>
<p>1) Call your counselor at the Duke University Financial Aid Office and explain the entire situation tomorrow. </p>
<p>2) See if you can reconcile with your father. A threat like that can create a permanent void between you and your parents.</p>
<p>Ive tried reconciling so many times --- for the past yr, whatever it has been whether its been my fault or not, I still said sorry to them but I cant stand it anymore. My dad is really old fashioned (Chinese) in the sense that the father is always right and the kid doesnt know jack **** so whatever it is its my fault no matter what. Ive sucked it up for a long time now but today I just exploded cuz I couldnt stand it anymore</p>
<p>uhm..... you should have waited another 2 months to explode................
by the way, is ur father serious ???? not to give you any money???</p>
<p>I would'nt be surprised if he was serious. I just got threatened by mother 2 minutes ago. Basically, she's not happy that I want to major in Public Policy and Political Science. Apparently, "there is no job in it". She says, "I will not pay for this stupid stuff." She assumes she knows everything just because she has lived longer.</p>
<p>This is quite ironic considering I provided advice to the OP a few hours ago. I'm leaving now to go punch my wall. Excuse me.</p>
<p>Graduation from HS, and letting go (kids of parents, and parents of kids) are the very stressful issues that are at the core of what is happening with both of your families. Parents know that the end of their influence is imminent, and they are not always happy about that. They feel that paying the bills still has them in charge of what you will be doing. To some extent, they have a valid arguement. They know that it is a huge sum of money to finance a college education and they want to know that at the end of 4 years you will be a competitive applicant in the job market. They want some reassurance that you will not be arriving back on their doorstep unable to get a job, and looking for financial support from them. Whether the issue is other children to put through school, or retirement, they are nervous about that part of the scenario.</p>
<p>Try to compromise. If public policy and political science are your thing, perhaps you can double major one of those with economics or something that would give you a better entree into the job market. Investigate what the internship possibilities are in your areas of interest to see if Duke has done well placing students during the summers. Show them that you are just as interested in getting a job after graduation, and being independent, as they are for you! </p>
<p>Most of all you need to keep communicating. You need to talk about the responsibilty you have as a student to do well. Clearly you have done very well academically to have been accepted at Duke. They must be proud of that or you wouldn't be enrolled for the fall. At some point you were in agreement about where the deposit would be sent. Assure them that you are going to listen to their advice, and DO listen!! </p>
<p>It is a hard thing for parents to send their children away to school. We worry about their safety, their health, their emotions--and we miss them terribly. At the same time, whether you want to admit it or not, you are a little nervous (maybe even scared) about what it will be like to be so independent. There are so many unknowns: roommate, dorm life, difficulty of the courses, time management, money management and so much more. You don't want to seem nervous--and you may not even want to admit it to yourself. But it is healthy to talk about all this, and to let your parents know that you will continue to make good decisions, and will communicate with them often!</p>
<p>It will be a long summer if you avoid talking about these things--just remember that they love you, and only want what is best for you--at the same time they still feel "ownership" because of the amount of money that they are investing.</p>
<p>We have done this once, and now are going through this again with our S going to Duke--but we are confident that they will continue to do well because they are serious about their studies. We also recognize that choosing their own direction will keep them interested and focused on what they are doing. If you discuss that with your parents, they may better understand that letting you choose the major will mean that you will be more likely to do well in it!</p>
<p>Good luck--just keep communicating!!</p>
<p>
[quote]
Graduation from HS, and letting go (kids of parents, and parents of kids) are the very stressful issues that are at the core of what is happening with both of your families. Parents know that the end of their influence is imminent, and they are not always happy about that. They feel that paying the bills still has them in charge of what you will be doing. To some extent, they have a valid arguement. They know that it is a huge sum of money to finance a college education and they want to know that at the end of 4 years you will be a competitive applicant in the job market. They want some reassurance that you will not be arriving back on their doorstep unable to get a job, and looking for financial support from them. Whether the issue is other children to put through school, or retirement, they are nervous about that part of the scenario.</p>
<p>Try to compromise. If public policy and political science are your thing, perhaps you can double major one of those with economics or something that would give you a better entree into the job market. Investigate what the internship possibilities are in your areas of interest to see if Duke has done well placing students during the summers. Show them that you are just as interested in getting a job after graduation, and being independent, as they are for you!</p>
<p>Most of all you need to keep communicating. You need to talk about the responsibilty you have as a student to do well. Clearly you have done very well academically to have been accepted at Duke. They must be proud of that or you wouldn't be enrolled for the fall. At some point you were in agreement about where the deposit would be sent. Assure them that you are going to listen to their advice, and DO listen!!</p>
<p>It is a hard thing for parents to send their children away to school. We worry about their safety, their health, their emotions--and we miss them terribly. At the same time, whether you want to admit it or not, you are a little nervous (maybe even scared) about what it will be like to be so independent. There are so many unknowns: roommate, dorm life, difficulty of the courses, time management, money management and so much more. You don't want to seem nervous--and you may not even want to admit it to yourself. But it is healthy to talk about all this, and to let your parents know that you will continue to make good decisions, and will communicate with them often!</p>
<p>It will be a long summer if you avoid talking about these things--just remember that they love you, and only want what is best for you--at the same time they still feel "ownership" because of the amount of money that they are investing.</p>
<p>We have done this once, and now are going through this again with our S going to Duke--but we are confident that they will continue to do well because they are serious about their studies. We also recognize that choosing their own direction will keep them interested and focused on what they are doing. If you discuss that with your parents, they may better understand that letting you choose the major will mean that you will be more likely to do well in it!</p>
<p>Good luck--just keep communicating!!
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Hot damn! Thanks for the advice it made me feel so much better. :)
Also, even though I am hesitant to engage in further conversations with my mother, I suppose I will start one--soon. My problem is I have to much pride to really pursue one, and I tend to be smug when I think or know I am right--case in point, yesterday. I just get tired of my mother spewing the same rhetoric.</p>
<p>Also, as you advised, I went and compiled about 30 pages worth of internship/employment opportunities for Duke students. At least, she cannot say I am unprepared. Once again, thanks for the advice, and I look forward to meeting your sons. I am sure you did a good job.</p>
<p>I dont know if I am even qualified to try to console you. but I guess to the extent to which I can identify with your situation, it does strike a very poignant chord. Money is always a major issue with college, that is why there are so many options out there...the last and most unpleasant of which is, of course, loans...I know it comes like a kick in the pants...but it seems that you have gotten so far just to give it up (by that I dont mean that, should you end up going to UF, you would have NOTHING, I just mean that if you started at Duke, it would be a shame to finish at a less reputable school). It also seems like your parents (and I presume parents is more like short hand for "father") might be trying to exert control over your life, but it does not seem like they are out to ruin it...perhaps if they understood the full impact of their actions they would be more...I dont know...understanding...willing to compromise...gosh, I dunno what else to say...keep up your strength...there are always more options open than one thinks.</p>
<p>Majayiduke--are you the oldest child? Our D, who will be a junior (not at Duke) sounds similar in nature (the "smug" thing you referred to)! We had lots of little arguments during her summer before going to college. It gets better. The parents learn to let go a little more as each month passes--especially if you keep emailing or calling them on a regular basis. There is nothing I enjoy more than getting a call from our D in the middle of the day while she is walking to a class. It's usually rather brief, and not always about anything in particular, but it's just great to chat for a little while and make that connection!!</p>
<p>Our S who is going to Duke, is less likely to get into any arguments, but I have seen the signs of the tension we are likely to see as the summer progresses, and he is closer to leaving. He is very excited about Duke, but he is not as excited as his sister to leave home and be 100% independent. That seemed to be a burning desire for her! </p>
<p>Do your best to have those conversations with your mom this summer--she will be so glad you want to talk. Include her in the shopping trips to get things for your room, (especially if you received some gift cards for graduation--then you'll be paying!) Try to fit in time for a couple of lunches out together--conversations are easier over food (and people don't usually get into arguments at a restaurant!)</p>
<p>It's great that you printed out that info about the internships, etc. Your parents will know that you are serious about what you want to do!</p>
<p>Good luck!!</p>
<p>irishforever: </p>
<p>Lol yes I am the oldest child in the household. You are right about the talking aspect. My mom always keeps mentioning that she we should talk more since I will be leaving in a few months. Apparently, she feels I spend too much time talking to friends who I will see a great deal this summer and next year. Thank you for the advice.</p>
<p>Keep in mind that your mom is really going to miss you, but can't say that too often because she knows that you don't want her to keep repeating it all summer!! It is so hard to let go--you will find that you miss home more than you expected to--though you may not admit it the first year! Our D was actually more homesick during her soph year!!</p>
<p>I was the oldest daughter going to college, and know I was very much like our D and you--couldn't wait to get away (lots of responsibility as oldest D of 4!!)--I can totally sympathize with how you feel! My own mom still wants to tell me what to do (more often than I care to discuss!) She still hasn't completely let go!! LOL--now I am far enough away that I can usually ignore it--but love her very much no matter what!</p>
<p>Just an update - basically, I sat down and talked it over with my parents, even tho I dont completely agree with what they said, I tried to explain to them my situation and it turns out that things are somewhat patched up. I'll try to keep my cool next time, otherwise things might just go permanently awry.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Much better! </p>
<p>Keeping your cool is exactly what you should do in a situation like this. Wait it out....they're your parents,they want the best for you..don't forget that. Anyway,I'm glad it worked out! :)</p>
<p>Now..don't do anything rash between now and August..:p</p>
<p>I'm so glad to know that you had that good conversation, leejwcc. Keep talking about everything this summer. You know they are proud to have you going to such an excellent school--it's not always easy to listen to your kids say they don't need parents for advice, or input of any sort--just the money! I'm sure that isn't how you are, but just be sensitive to what they are feeling about you leaving!!</p>